Married at First Sight is back on our screens to keep us occupied while the weather gets colder — and naturally, we’re already obsessed.
One of the couples that has sparked the most digital discourse is the wedding between recruitment consultant Sarah and team-building host/wannabe rapper Dean (and for all the wrong reasons).
In addition to what was quite possibly the worst ceremony of all time (who on earth would want their husband-to-be to rap their wedding vows?), Sarah has faced the wrath of the internet after she made it palpably obvious she’s not attracted to Dean.
While on their honeymoon in the Maldives, a producer asked Sarah if there was anything Dean could do to try and elicit some romantic feeling. “Get some tattoos and lose some weight, maybe?” she replied, before telling Dean she hadn’t dated a “bigger” person before.
Attraction can build over time for some (but not all) couples, but it was pretty clear that, for Sarah, she didn’t have any sort of spark from Dean from the offset. She openly said she was “put right off” when he started one of his signature raps on their wedding day — suggesting neither his looks nor his personality really did it for her.
Still, her comments have, understandably, upset a lot of people. And let’s be clear: a person’s weight has nothing to do with their attractiveness. I, like many others, don’t agree with how Sarah expressed herself — regardless of whether you fancy someone or not, they’re still a person with feelings and deserve to be treated with respect — but I do think there’s a point to be discussed here. I mean, it’s obviously pretty crucial you should fancy your partner, particularly one you’re expected to be with for life.
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Sure, we all try to take the moral high ground and wax lyrical that ‘it’s not all about looks’ when it comes to meeting The One, but if we’re really, truly honest with ourselves, they play a fundamental part, particularly in the beginning. It’s what distinguishes our romantic connections from our friendships.
The initial frisson of a spark, which sees us pursue someone romantically, has been proven to exist. Numerous studies have indicated that physical attractiveness tends to be a more important factor when it comes to dating than traits like personality, education, and intelligence. Meanwhile (and unfairly) a lack of attractiveness was associated with negative qualities.
A study from 2011 found most of us, consciously or not, view a moderate level of physical attractiveness as a “necessity” when it comes to forming relationships. This doesn’t mean that matching up to the supposed ‘beauty ideal’ is essential in relationships — we all have our own subjective preferences and there’s certainly no one-size-fits-all approach to attractiveness.
Those of us who have been in long-term relationships will know that, yes, attraction may fade over time. However, couples that stay together have built upon this initial foundation of attraction to have trust, shared values, and memories together that are now entwined. As Duda and Bergner note in their 2017 study, couples and those that really go the distance have sustained commitment to a partner’s best interests, and are maintaining intimacy and pursuing shared enjoyment together. Falling in love is easy, but staying in love appears more taxing. That said, there is no love to maintain if you didn’t fancy each other in the first place.
Again, Sarah didn’t do herself any favours in the graceless way she dismissed Dean (and she has since clarified her position on social media, writing: “I take full accountability for the things I have said, even if they don’t always reflect how I would normally express myself. This was a unique and intense environment, and I did my best to remain honest and open throughout”). But it is annoying that, when it comes to heterosexual relationships, it tends to be women that are expected to settle for a ‘nice guy’ that they aren’t attracted to.
As one study shows, women tend to feel their standards were met less fully in relationships when compared to men. It ultimately leads to overall dissatisfaction in relationships; compared to male counterparts, women reported a greater discrepancy between the importance they associated with various standards and the extent to which the standards were fulfilled. Why should we have to settle as women, particularly as research indicates men certainly aren’t?
It’s clear that, unless there’s some sort of huge twist on MAFS, that Dean isn’t right for Sarah — and that’s okay. You don’t have to find everyone attractive, and Sarah is allowed to have a preference. Likewise, Dean will likely tick a different woman’s boxes in the future. Beauty is, after all, in the eye of the beholder.
Kimberley Bond is a Multiplatform Writer for Harper’s Bazaar, focusing on the arts, culture, careers and lifestyle. She previously worked as a Features Writer for Cosmopolitan UK, and has bylines at The Telegraph, The Independent and British Vogue among countless others.
