Contains spoilers for The White Lotus season three finale.
In a mediocre third season mostly about the perils of toxic masculinity, it was the women who stood out in The White Lotus. Whether that’s Parker Posey’s snooty, lorazepam-powered Victoria Ratliff (and her distinct North Carolina drawl), Aimee Lou Wood’s charmingly upbeat but doomed Chelsea, or, ofc, our bitchy blonde trio, Jaclyn (played by Michelle Monaghan), Kate (Leslie Bibb), and Laurie (Carrie Coon).
While the mean girls stereotype is kind of passé at this point, The White Lotus does a pretty good job of capturing the complexity of female friendships via the latter, especially in Sunday’s finale. After a week of bad-mouthing each other and eventually falling out, the friends have one final, reconciliatory dinner together. As they sit around the table and lie about all the ways they’ve enjoyed the holiday, Laurie cuts through the bullshit.
“That’s funny,” she says, “because if I’m being honest, all week I’ve been so sad. I just feel like my expectations were too high, or I feel like as you get older, you have to justify your life… and your choices. And when I’m with you guys, it’s just so transparent what my choices were, and my mistakes.”
Just as you think she’s about to tell Jaclyn and Kate that her biggest mistake was staying friends with them, she reveals that her holiday realisation is actually that it’s not her career, love, or motherhood that gives her life meaning, but time — and, specifically, her enduring friendship with her childhood friends.
“We started this life together,” she continues. “We’re going through it apart, but we’re still together, and I look at you guys, and it feels meaningful. I can’t explain it, but even when we’re just sitting around the pool talking about whatever inane shit, it still feels very fucking deep.”
Everyone's clicking on...
There’s lots of things to take away from this speech — that people’s lives aren’t always what they seem; that adhering to societal pressures on women to be beautiful, maternal, and loveable won’t necessarily make us happy; that friendships can sometimes bring out the worst in us — but what it made me think about is how every friend group should have a little argument once in a while, especially on holiday.
My big lesson from my little holiday argument
Case in point: back in 2016, I met a school friend in Bali at the end of her time travelling. She had another friend with her and I brought one of my uni friends. Three days in, we all got into a bit of a scrap. I won’t bore you with the specific details (it involves, inexplicably, amateur hairdressing, a throwaway comment, a crying argument at the side of a road, and one pair fleeing on the back of some guy’s moped) — but it was, on reflection, very silly and actually quite funny; the kind of absurd argument you have when you’re 21 and drunk on cheap beer.
We spent the next day separated into our pairs, ruminating on the tension we’d all felt those first few days, who was at fault, and what we should do about it. Then that evening before dinner, my school friend and I went up to our hostel roof to have it out.
Surrounded by fairy lights and soundtracked by “I Took A Pill in Ibiza” (2016… what a slay time for music), we made our apologies and laughed at the ridiculousness of the previous night. And then on we went with our holiday! Which, BTW, remains one of my best-loved trips — argument included.
Our fight wasn’t just about the minor annoyances we’d both experienced those first few days in Bali but, à la Jacyln and Laurie’s feud over Valentin, those annoyances brought up some deeper issues in our friendship, which we were finally able to address and move on from.
In many ways, it was good to have a fairly farcical blowout beforehand because it gave us a lighthearted entry into a more difficult conversation, just as Laurie’s revelation about her madcap night with Aleksei broke the ice with Jacyln and Kate ahead of her poignant monologue.
How to argue well with your friends (and what to avoid)
Holidays aside, arguing with your friends — like arguing with your partner — is healthy, and, in most cases, will only serve to strengthen your relationship. “Often when friends never disagree, one person is subjugating their emotions and opinions to the stronger character,” explains Jo Coker, a psychotherapist and the director of therapy and training standards at the College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (COSRT). “It’s good to be able to [express your frustrations], disagree, and hold differing positions, as it shows strength in the relationship when this can be done respectfully and as equals.”
That said, there are productive and non-productive ways to argue. “It’s always best to communicate honestly, but without blame or heightened emotion,” Coker continues. “So if your friend’s behaviour is upsetting you, you need to use ‘I’ statements, like, ‘When you laugh at me with other people I feel humiliated’. Also ask open questions: ‘How can we change this issue?’, ‘What would make this different?’”
The key tip? “Never confront an issue with a drink or it could go horribly wrong because emotions are heightened.”
There can also be such a thing as too much arguing — or too much bitchiness. “When arguments become overly personal, not about the issue, and full of ‘you’ comments, this can be destructive, punitive, and ultimately damaging to the relationship,” says Coker.
“You should be equal in the relationship and not have an imbalance where one person is always getting ‘picked on’. At that point, you may need to evaluate the friendship and consider if you wish to continue it.”
This is obviously a very nuanced, personal thing — and, as Jaclyn, Kate, and Laurie’s happy ending proves, fucking up in your friendships, saying spiteful things, or feeling disappointed in each other doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship is doomed.
Rather, it might suggest that you need to have a little (respectful) scream at each other. Just as long as you kiss and make up before your holiday dinner res.
