How well do you think you know your partner? Do you have their coffee order down pat, or are you still getting to grips with their siblings’ birthdays? Whether you’ve been dating for a few months or you’ve been married forever, it’s never too late to reignite the spark in your relationship by playing a question game together. While the actual questions can be lighthearted and fun, throwing in a few deep questions for couples can help you get to know your partner on a more intimate level.
“Human beings are ever-evolving, despite how well we believe we know them,” says Olivia Verhulst, a licensed mental health counsellor and Forbes health advisor based in New York. “It’s important to allow your partner to surprise you with new parts of them as you grow together — and to be curious about those parts.”
If you’re in a long-term relationship, asking deep questions can also help you keep the spark alive, Verhulst says. “Quite often, I hear people say things like, ‘When the sex life dies in a relationship, that’s when you know you’re in trouble’ — which isn’t always accurate,” Verhulst says. “I’ve seen more damage done when the curiosity begins to die.”
Sure, it may be a little intimidating to get all deep and vulnerable with someone, but having the comfort and safe space to do so is one of the best parts of being in a relationship. Asking each other questions can make for a cute date night for couples at any stage — plus, if you’re on the fence about Josh from Hinge, hearing their responses to deep questions may help you gauge if the situationship is worth it or not. You can ask different types of questions depending on your relationship timeline, but feel free to mix things up.
Here’s a list of 150 deep questions for couples to ask each other based on your relationship stage.
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Deep questions for new couples
If you’re in the early stages of dating, Verhulst says it’s the perfect time to ask questions that will help you set a strong foundation for the future. “Asking about their previous relational experiences and patterns can be valuable in developing a deeper understanding of the person and what to expect,” she explains. “This stage can also feel mysterious and sexy, which is a great opportunity to ask more playful questions about their hobbies and sexual preferences.”
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- What was your dream job when you were younger?
- What did you like most about where you grew up?
- What did you like the least?
- What’s your relationship with your family like?
- Have you ever been in love before?
- How would your best friend describe you?
- Who is someone in your life that you admire?
- What is your love language?
- What do you think is your best quality?
- What do you think is my best quality?
- Do you believe in soulmates or twin flames?
- What’s something people would be surprised to know about you?
- What’s a goal you’d like to accomplish someday?
- What would your perfect date look like?
- What attracted you to me when we first met?
- What part of my personality do you like the most?
- Can you see us together in five years time?
- Were you looking for a relationship when we met?
- How would you feel about going on holiday together?
- What are you most grateful for?
- Would you rather have a date night at home or a restaurant?
- How do you feel about regular date nights?
- Do you think I’d get on with your family?
- Do you think I’d get on with your friends?
- Is there anything you'd like to try in the bedroom?
- Do you have any sexual fantasies?
- When was the last time you cried?
- Would you consider yourself an emotional person?
- What’s the most important thing in life to you?
- How do you feel about pets?
- Do you have a dream honeymoon destination?
- What’s a red flag about you?
- What’s a green flag about you?
- What’s the most important characteristic you look for in a partner?
- What does self-worth mean to you?
- What does love mean to you?
- What are you looking forward to?
- Have you enjoyed being single?
- Do you prefer being single or in a relationship?
- What’s the longest relationship you’ve ever had?
Deep questions for long-term couples
“For couples who are dating long term, the future of the relationship has likely come up for one or more partners in a significant way — whether that be financial planning, family planning, marriage, or living arrangements,” Verhulst says. If you’ve been dating someone for a while, it may be a good time to consider asking the ‘hard’ questions about your partner’s needs and expectations, she says.
- What’s your favourite thing about our relationship?
- What would you like to change about it?
- What’s something new you’d like to try together?
- When is the closest you’ve ever felt to me?
- Where would you want to live someday, and why?
- How do you feel about living with someone?
- What would your expectations be if we lived together?
- How do you feel about buying a house together?
- How do you feel about getting married?
- Have you ever thought about having a family some day?
- Are there any chores you love or hate?
- How do you feel about splitting and/or combining our finances?
- What’s something you’re afraid to tell me?
- What are your job or career goals for the next year?
- What’s more important to you, career or family?
- Do you think we're a good match?
- How do you think we complement each other?
- Do you think it’s important to be able to spend time apart?
- Do you think we have a healthy relationship?
- Do you think we should double date more?
- Do you think we should do more household things together, like cook and clean?
- Do you think we both pull our weight in terms of chores?
- Have you ever felt like you’ve had to work on our relationship?
- What is one thing you wish we did more of as a couple?
- Where would you be if you hadn’t followed your dream?
- Do you believe in second chances?
- What’s been the best moment of your life so far?
- Past or present, is there someone you wish you had made amends with? If so, who and why?
- Who is someone you wish was still around?
- If you could receive closure from one person, who would it be?
- Where have you felt most accepted?
- What have you learned about yourself in the past year?
- Do you think we show up for each other enough?
- Has there ever been a time in our relationship when we haven’t given each other enough attention? If so, when?
- Which haircut of mine has been your favourite?
- What was your parents’ relationship like?
- Has your parents’ relationship influenced your own relationships?
- How have you changed since you were 20?
- How have I changed since we first met?
- What is one memory of our relationship you wish you could live in forever?
Deep questions for newlyweds or just engaged
While the newlywed stage can feel magical for many people, the ‘honeymoon blues’ is a real thing, too, Verhulst says. To ensure that this time in your life stays fun and exciting, she suggests asking deep questions that will allow you to connect emotionally, set a positive tone for the future, and get any thoughts or hesitations out there. “Ask your SO questions that address your concerns, such as, ‘How do you feel you are adjusting to newlywed life?’,” she says.
- Which part of our wedding (or engagement) would you re-live, and why?
- What’s your favourite memory of our early dating days?
- What part of married life are you most excited about?
- Is there any part of married life you’re nervous about?
- How do you feel like you’re adjusting to newlywed life?
- Is there anything we can do to make it easier?
- What do you want life to look like five years from now?
- What traditions do you think are important for us to have?
- What’s a daily routine or ritual we have that you’d like to continue in marriage?
- How will we keep our sex life exciting and fun?
- Who is a married couple that you admire and why?
- If we have a family, what are some values you want to instil in our kids?
- What’s the best marriage advice you’ve ever received?
- What’s the best piece of overall relationship advice you’ve received?
- If you could bestow a superpower on your child (or a loved one), what would it be?
- Do you want a big white wedding, or would you prefer a simple affair?
- Would you rather spend less on a wedding so there’s more for the honeymoon?
- Do you know who your bridesmaids/groomsmen will be?
- Why is marriage important to you?
- How would you define marriage?
- What’s your favourite part of married life?
- How would you like to spend our first anniversary?
- Can you remember who said ‘I love you’ first?
- Do you remember where we had our first kiss?
- What’s one random thing or event that you saw or witnessed recently that made you think of me?
- Do I have any silly or odd quirks?
- How am I like my family, and how am I different?
- What is the pain in me that you wish could be healed?
- What’s your favourite sexual memory with me?
- Name three things that make you proud of me.
- Name three things that you’re proud of yourself for.
- Is there anything that you feel like you can’t or don’t like talking about with me?
- Other than me, who is the person that you tell everything to?
- Are there any friendships in my life that make you feel uncomfortable?
- With unlimited money and all the opportunity, which passion would you pursue?
Deep questions if you’ve been married forever
If you’ve been married for a long time, Verhulst recommends asking questions that will remind you of your commitment to each other. “Your relationship may benefit from reminding your partner that you are still interested in ‘their world’ by asking questions about their day-to-day life,” she says, especially if you’re both busy and struggle to find time to connect. The questions don’t have to be mundane, though — explore topics that will help you both get excited about the future, too!
- What’s a song or playlist that reminds you of our relationship?
- What do you love about our life together?
- What’s an accomplishment you’re most proud of?
- Do you feel fulfilled by your work lately?
- What is your favourite way to receive love these days?
- What’s your favourite experience we had together this year?
- If we retired tomorrow, what would you want to do together?
- What are your favourite memories with our children and/or families?
- What does a happy marriage look like for us in this stage of life?
- Is there a way I could be showing up for you better?
- Are there any bad habits we have as a couple that you want to move away from?
- Are there any good habits that we should continue?
- What do you think I most appreciate about you?
- What do you think is our secret to a long and happy marriage?
- Do you think our children are proud of us?
- Do you think our children look up to us?
- What’s your proudest moment as a parent?
- What’s your proudest moment as a husband/wife?
- What are you most proud of in life?
- What gives you hope for the future?
- What legacy do you want to leave?
- What kind of world do you want for our children?
- When you look ahead, what makes you the most anxious?
- Where would you like to celebrate our next big anniversary?
- Is there anything you wish you could have done differently in life?
- Do you think we say ‘I love you’ enough?
- What do you value the most in life now?
- Do you feel fulfilled with your life?
- What’s the most important lesson we have taught our kids?
- What, in your opinion, is the biggest challenge you’ve faced in our marriage so far and how did you overcome it?
- Name three things you’re proud of in our marriage.
- Name three things you hope our children learn from our relationship.
- Do you think we’ve changed as a couple?
- Is there a time when you felt I understood you most?
- How can we manage conflict better?
Tianna Soto is a writer, editor, and professional wellness speaker based in New York City. Previously, she was a contributing editor on the dating team at Elite Daily and an associate editor at Her Campus Media. When she’s not writing, you can find her traveling, singing, and speaking with college audiences about mental health. You can connect with her on Instagram and Twitter.
