"You know what? I am done with bad boys," declares Lily James as Pamela Anderson in one of the opening scenes of Pam & Tommy. "Here we go, we've heard this before," her friend replies, with a whiplash-inducing eye roll. "I am. I’m so over the fights, the drama," protests James' Anderson, raising her glass for a toast: "From now on, bad boys are out, and good boys are in."
It’s a familiar scene for many, one which my own friends have experienced more times than I'd care to admit. "So, there's this new guy I’m speaking to..." is almost exclusively greeted with a collective, despondent sigh. The trouble isn't that there are too many potential love interests in my life, it's the quality of them – or lack of. Like Pam An, I seem to have found myself consistently gravitating towards, and even glamourising, drama when it comes to relationships.
Yep, when Machine Gun Kelly revealed he'd designed Megan Fox's engagement ring to symbolically inflict 'pain' if she takes it off, I was positively giddy. And, when Carrie finally had her (somewhat) happy ending with Big, my brain simply ctrl+alt+delete all six seasons of toxic relationship traits that had come before it. Quite honestly, I find these relationships aspirational. I'd brand myself a hopeless romantic, but perhaps my rose-tinted glasses are blinding me to the red flags... and maybe, it's time to take them off?
Glamourising toxic celebrity relationships has IRL impacts
From the very real celebrity relationships that play out in front of us, to the on-screen fictional romances we’ve idolised for years, the subtle – yet no less sinister – toxicities that litter these relationships have chipped away at our sense of what a healthy relationship should look, but more importantly, feel like.
"The danger in glamourising toxic relationships is that the toxicity and intensity gets normalised and we start to see these as a model for our own relationships," explains Dr Sarah Davies, counselling psychologist and author of Never Again: Moving On from Narcissistic Abuse and Other Toxic Relationships.
"Toxic relationships are typically very intense. Unfortunately, intensity is often wrongly mistaken for intimacy," Davies explains, noting that our confusion between the two has left us with a distorted sense of what real romance is. "Intensity and intimacy are, in fact, very different," she points out. "Intensity is immediate, and the intense chemistry that comes with it can lead people to become lost in an exciting fantasy."
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And, when it comes to the lives of celebrities – who have infinite wealth to spend on gifts and grand gestures, as well as an adoring audience that elevates everything they do with likes, shares and retweets – which play out on the stage that is the public eye, that intensity is magnified to an extreme degree. In turn, so is the fantasy we allow ourselves to become transfixed by.
With that in mind, why do we continue to glamourise – and get into – these relationships, especially if we already know that they're unhealthy? Somewhere along the lines (read: 2000 years ago), we all seemingly got stuck on the idea that 'love is pain' – something which I, for one, am certainly guilty of believing.
"We're told that love is supposed to be painful. That you need to have pain for it to be true love, that you can’t have one without the other," points out Caroline Strawson, a therapist and life coach specialising in healing narcissistic trauma and abuse. "The idea that 'love is pain' is a very old one," adds Davies. "It has early roots in religious concepts and images," she adds, highlighting how the biblical image of Jesus on the Cross symbolises perhaps the earliest concept of 'love is pain'.
"Jesus sacrificed himself and endured pain because of his love for his people," explains Davies. But, if you take a look at modern media – and real life relationships in general – it's traditionally women and femmes who make sacrifices when it comes to love. Take Euphoria's Cassie, for example, who in the midst of a clearly toxic relationship with Nate, screams through bleary-eyed tears that she has: "Never, ever been happier."
But, can we blame her? It's easy for us to see that Cassie's behaviour (and relationship with Nate) is unhealthy, yet would we actually be willing to call out the same behaviour if we saw it in ourselves? I'm not so sure.
The notion that 'love is pain' isn't the only thing about toxic relationships that's outdated, though. In fact, more often than not, these relationships rely on old-school gender dynamics, where 'good girl' meets 'bad boy' and thinks she'll fix him. With the good girl meets bad boy dynamic consistently being given a platform – from Grease's Sandy and Danny in the 1970s, or more recently Euphoria's Cassie and Nate – it's no wonder that our view on what makes a healthy relationship is warped.
In actuality, these relationships are the very opposite of healthy. "In 2022, the idea that 'love is pain' is a very unhealthy and toxic one. On the contrary, in healthy relationships, love is safe, unconditional, accepting, forgiving, supportive and healing," emphasises Davies. "Not controlling, rooted in fear, dysfunction or pain."
Are some of us more inclined to fall into the trap of glamourising toxic relationships?
As we know, the experiences we have during childhood map the blueprint for the rest of our lives – relationships included. "Most of us find we replicate early childhood relationship dynamics in our adulthood. Usually, the kinds of relationships we have witnessed or experienced growing up are typically what we are drawn to as adults," explains Davies. "If that is secure and healthy then great," she adds. "But, if we have grown up in a dysfunctional or unhealthy family system then we may be more likely to seek out familiar toxic relationships."
As for why we do that, the expert points out that there's often a sense of comfort in familiarity. Importantly though, Davies emphasises, "that's not the same as healthy."
In some cases, by replicating relationship dynamics that feel familiar – regardless of how toxic they might be – we may also inadvertently be creating 'trauma bonds' with others who have a similar history. "Toxic 'trauma bonds' are sadly sometimes mistaken for concepts like 'soulmates' or 'twin flames'," notes the psychologist. "This is often a factor that keeps people stuck in toxic relationships and repeating dysfunctional patterns."
On top of the psychological reasoning behind why we return to these kinds of relationships time and time again, there's a scientific explanation behind it, too. "The huge highs and lows that come with a toxic relationship actually affect our brain chemistry and can trigger a real addictive pattern," Davies says. "We crave another 'fix' of the high, exactly like a drug."
Reprogramming our attraction to red flags
With the rise of online dating, in recent years we've seen a boom in dating buzz words like lovebombing, negging, ghosting and gaslighting – the red flags that signal us to exit quickly – but how often are we taught about the green flags we should be looking out for? If you really think about it, the answer to that question is: hardly ever.
"There needs to be more information, articles and discussion about what healthy relationships look, sound and feel like," stresses Davies. But, while it's unlikely that producers and directors will cut toxic relationships from the the big screen altogether – after all, 'happily ever after' rarely makes for great TV – Davies suggests that, since much of our understanding of relationships is formed during childhood, this is when we should be learning about what makes a healthy love.
"There really should be more focus on the components that make for healthy relationships," she notes. "Ideally this should be taught in schools so we all have a model of this from a young age."
As for those of us who are long-past school age, what can we do to unlearn everything we know about toxic relationships and, more importantly, stop glamourising them? "Any relationship that begins like a fairytale, one that is highly romantic or intense, will at some point crash," says Davies. "There needs to be a reality check when the glamour and romance shifts into the grounded reality of a relationship. The reality is that romantic relationships are sometimes boring, there are ups and downs, and there are days that the quirks you once found endearing are now annoying. All of this is human nature."
The expert advises checking in with yourself – honestly – if you think you might be in a toxic relationship. "If your relationships are causing pain or negatively impacting your mental health, then it’s really important to consider the narrative you have and your ideas about healthy love," she points out.
"Healthy love is where we feel free to be ourselves, within the parameters of respect and appropriate boundaries. With healthy love we thrive. We feel safe, secure and supported," she emphasises. "Intimacy takes time. Trust takes time. Building healthy relationships takes time."
Ultimately though, it's as much about looking in as it about looking out, and Davies reminds us that: "Healthy relationships begin with the one we have with ourselves."
