Thankfully, dating apps now have a range of different descriptions for identities and gender — and it’s a great (and helpful) thing for people to have new ways of articulating what they’re into. But it still helps to read up on what, exactly, all these different terms mean. After all, it’s important to be on the same page!
While you may be aware of the better-known labels under the LGBTQ+ umbrella, as well as terms like ethical non-monogamy, there are always new identities to discover. For example, one identity you might not have come across yet is sapiosexual (though it doesn’t sit under the queer umbrella, FYI).
So what does sapiosexuality mean, and who identifies as sapiosexual? We’ll take you through the basics. And while you’re at it, why not learn about being asexual, skoliosexual, and demisexual, too?
What does it mean to be sapiosexual?
Being sapiosexual essentially means that you’re primarily sexually attracted to intelligence, with intelligence being the most important quality you’re attracted to in another person, coming before any other attributes like gender or appearance. So, this means that sapiosexual people can also be queer, gay, lesbian, bisexual, or pansexual etc. and they might also identify as genderqueer or non-binary.
Who identifies as sapiosexual?
Of course, anyone can identify as sapiosexual, and sapiosexuality doesn’t just apply to a specific gender. There’s no one type of person who considers themselves sapiosexual, but they’re likely people who are stimulated by quality conversation.
In 2022, The Hunger Games actor Jena Malone came out as pansexual and, in her statement, explained she’d also been vibing with sapiosexual as a descriptor. “I’ve been learning a new way to tell [my identity]. Using words to guide me not define me,” she explained. “That my sexual identity has more to teach and to tell me. Finding words that feel more right to explore in my telling. Pansexuality. Sapiosexuality. Polyamory.”
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Why is sapiosexuality criticised?
While it’s important that everyone feels safe and able to identify however they please, some people believe that those who identify as sapiosexual can’t be considered a marginalised group in the same way as other members of the LGBTQ+ community.
“Being LGBT or Q carries with it the huge weight of a history of cultural oppression,” explainsMeg-John Barker, a writer and internationally recognised expert on gender, sexual, and relationship diversity. “This includes many [LGBTQ+ people] — in their lifetimes — having been criminalised, pathologised, or subject to violent physical or emotional attack because of their sexuality,” they continue.
“It is still unlikely, if you are an LGBTQ person, that you will not have been discriminated for your sexuality/gender,” they explain, adding, “[and] around the world there are still many countries where you could be at risk of imprisonment or the death penalty.”
However, this kind of discrimination faced by LGBTQ+ people isn’t experienced by sapiosexual people as a direct result of their sapiosexuality, especially if they are otherwise heteronormative. Of course, some sapiosexual people date people of the same gender or of more than one gender, meaning they may be marginalised for being queer. But many people believe that being sapiosexual alone is not something that will mean you experience discrimination.
What it means to be intelligent
Sapiosexuality and the idea of finding intelligence attractive over everything else can also be thought of as problematic when it comes to how we determine so-called ‘intelligence’.
‘Intelligence’ is often thought of in a very singular way, i.e. the booksmart people who pass exams at school, and this idea of smartness can exclude people whose intelligence comes in different forms. It also causes problems in terms of ableism (discriminating against people with disabilities), and might be seen as not embracing neurodiversity (the variations in how different people’s brains work, like those with autism or dyslexia).
“The kind of intelligence deemed attractive by sapiosexual people may well be what we have been taught by our particular culture to regard as smart (e.g. rational, sharp, quick, intellectual — based on knowledge of western science and philosophy, etc.),” Meg-John explains.
“It is worth thinking critically about who deems this to be ‘intelligent’, who is excluded from being seen as attractive by such assumptions, and what other forms of intelligence we may be missing with such a narrow definition,” they add.
So, what turns sapiosexuals on?
Okay, you’re probably wondering what *exactly* gets sapiosexuals in the mood. Look no further: we’ve pulled together some choice quotes from the r/sapiosexuals community. Whether it’s professors, physics PhDs, or spirited debate, there are plenty of saucy scenarios to choose from.
1.“My boyfriend is in his last year of his physics PhD. I find that really hot and when we hadn’t been together very long and I still didn’t really understand what his PhD was about he explained it to me while fingering me. That and other times that he’s “talked nerdy to me” have been some of the hottest sex we’ve had.” [via]
2.“To me, it’s not just about sex. I fall in love, when I talk to intelligent women. It doesn’t have to be nerdy, but a strong curiosity coupled with thoughtful, reflected, confident, intelligent conversations gives me a tsunami of butterflies in my stomach! They don’t have to be deeply knowledgeable about a subject, but if I can sense an honest curiosity and I’m being asked intelligent questions, that throws me to the moon!” [via]
3.“I once masturbated to a professor lecturing about the benefits of the vitamin B12. I came at the part where they began to list various sources of B12. The list just grew and grew and the melodious pace of perfectly executed words got me. There was some things I didn’t know and it was so interesting.” [via]
4.“What draws me in and piques my desire for connection is the appeal to my intellect. A deep connection to writing, art, music, history, etc. will bathe my brain in sweet oxytocin.” [via]
6.“I need someone who would debate me, challenge me, put thoughts in my mind I never had. This turns me on, but also the intellectual satisfaction is so important and so rare and exciting for me that I can forgo sex with this person. I just need someone to give me intellectual orgasms.” [via]
Emily Gulla was Cosmopolitan UK’s Former Editorial Assistant/Junior Entertainment and Lifestyle Writer, covering celebs, TV and film for the site, magazine and video. She’s interviewed the casts of your favourite TV shows, from Bridgerton to Derry Girls and Stranger Things, as well as dozens of Love Islanders. She also loves getting stuck into long-read features, writing on all things digital culture (including her favourite topic: memes), and dating - having appeared on the radio to discuss dating.
Emily's work has also been published on ELLE, Women's Health, Harper's Bazaar, Digital Spy and more. She holds a First Class degree in English with Film Studies from King's College London, and even wrote her dissertation on Love Island. You can find Emily on Instagram and LinkedIn, and can see more of her work on her website.
Megan Wallace (they/them) is Cosmopolitan UK’s Former Sex and Relationships Editor covering sexual pleasure, sex toys, LGBTQIA+ identity, dating and romance. They have covered sexuality and relationships for over five years and are the founder of the PULP zine, which publishes essays on culture and sex. In their spare time, they can be found exploring the London kink scene and planning dates on Feeld.
