From Taylor Swift’s girl squad to the lifelong best friendship of Carrie Bradshaw and co on And Just Like That, we’re constantly bombarded with imagery that women should have an established group of close pals.
But for a lot of us, things haven’t quite worked out like that in our friendship circles — and the constant romanticising of female groups of friends may have impacted us more keenly than we’d like to admit. The Office of National Statistics found that 56% of women feel lonely “at least some of the time”, with the ages 16-29 reporting the highest rates of chronic loneliness.
However, as relationship expert and coach Anna Williamson points out, it’s natural to find new friends throughout the various stages of our lives — and sometimes we can find ourselves wanting to expand our social circle as we enter a new phase.
With dating apps giving us the ick and an increasing number of people experimenting with boy sobriety, more and more women are now focusing on establishing solid, happy friendships over finding the ‘loves of our lives’. Recent research from Snapchat shows that more than half of young women are prioritising friendship over romance, with 31% of the 18 to 24-year-olds surveyed saying making new friends is one of their top priorities — so when better to find your next BFF than now?
And of course, Cosmopolitan UK has your back. So, read on to find out how to make new friends as an adult (without giving yourself the ick in the process).
FYI: you can also join our new clique-free (and totally free!) Club Cosmo community for events, socials, and opportunities to meet the Cosmo team, as well as other like-minded ladies. Your newfound girl gang is right this way...
Everyone's clicking on...
Ready to get out there? Great, us too!
Get out of your head
Unfortunately, yes, it’s possible to give yourself the ick before you even talk to your potential friend.
‘What if they’re really busy?’, ‘What if they don’t want any more friends?’, ‘What if they think I’m hitting on them?’ are just a few of the thoughts that might cross your mind when approaching a stranger, along with, ‘What if they don’t like me?’ But it doesn’t have to be that way, says Williamson.
“We need to be careful we don’t catastrophise, project, and overthink. It serves no good catastrophising about the what ifs.”
Instead, Williamson recommends being intentional about what you want, why you want it, and how you want to go about it.
If you need a confidence boost, Williamson has some advice: “Ask yourself, ‘What makes me a great friend?’, and really answer that to yourself. You go, ‘Because I’m loyal, I’m chatty, I’m interesting, I’m funny’.” Need to hammer it home a little harder? Write your plus points down in a notepad or on your phone’s Notes — seeing it in front of you can offer that extra reassurance and solidify that self-love.
Be natural
This tip applies once you’ve identified someone you’d like to be friends with and you’re both in the same room (maybe you attend a class together or perhaps you frequent the same coffee shop). When you go to make your move, Williamson says: “Be natural.”
“Use whatever you like about that person as a conversation starter (maybe you’ve connected over a mutual interest, or love what they’re wearing) and then you can ascertain whether there is rapport,” Williamson explains.
Get plans in the diary
Once you’ve found a connection, don’t be afraid to make your next step. “Be bold in saying, ‘Do you fancy nipping out for coffee after this class?’, offering to take that interaction to the next stage, which is perhaps outside of the activity you’re doing,” Williamson advises.
“You’re putting it out there, but you’re doing it subtly. I think by doing it subtly you will find you have a much more authentic and organic friendship that will start to blossom.”
Social media is your friend(ship finding tool)
If you’ve yet to find a kindred spirit in your local coffee shop or spin studio, don’t give up hope. You might find your next friend through your phone, via social media or a dedicated friend-finding app. Bumble BFF could be an option, says Williamson, as is finding communities of others who share your interests or life experiences.
For instance, why not comment under your favourite band’s latest IG post and ask if there are any other fans in your area going to their next gig? Or try joining a local community group on Facebook and posting that you’ve just moved to the area and would love to meet fellow new mums for a walk in the park. You’ll be surprised by how many others might respond and are in the same boat.
We’ve also rounded up some other great apps for making mates here. Just be sure to be as safe as you can when meeting strangers you’ve met on the internet: tell someone where and when you’re heading to meet them, meet in a public place, and ideally during daylight hours.
Don’t take a ‘no’ to heart
Once you’ve reached out to someone (online or IRL), what happens next is out of your control. But, if you’re feeling a little apprehensive, you might benefit from trying to put yourself in the shoes of the person you’re reaching out to.
“How would you feel?” Williamson questions. “Would you go, ‘Oh what a saddo, I can’t believe they asked me that,’ or would you go, ‘That was really sweet’?”
Of course, it’s possible you’ll be met with a, ‘No, thanks’. But try not to take it personally, Williamson advises. If it so happens that they say something worse, well that’s not the type of person you want to be friends with anyway. But there’s every chance it will go well. Plus, the more you put yourself out there, the less scary it all seems (think of it like a muscle that you’re building — the more you use it, the stronger it gets).
Don’t worry about giving someone else the ick
Now we’ve covered how not to give yourself the ick, are you likely to give your friend-to-be the ick? Urm, possibly. But remember you’re paying them a compliment, says Williamson, and “the flattery should far outweigh any ick”.
Remind yourself that lots of people are looking for new friends
If, by the end of this article, you’re still feeling a little overwhelmed, do remember lots of people are probably feeling the exact same way as you right now. A poll of 1,500 Cosmopolitan UK readers found that 96% of you have dealt with loneliness.
Take heart in knowing there are friendships out there just waiting to be found, with people you might not even know you need in your life yet. But as your life changes, so too will your friendship needs (“friendships are like seasons,” according to Williamson). Don’t be scared to embrace that.
Happy friendship finding!
Amber O’Connor is Cosmopolitan UK’s former junior features writer, who covers everything from breaking news, women’s safety and real life features to fitness, travel, and cultural trends. She works on first-person features, reports, and long reads, plus the hottest stories of the day (if you want to know about the latest wellness craze or TikTok trends, she’s your girl). Amber has previously worked as a reporter and a lifestyle writer, with her work appearing in numerous publications, including The Mirror, Red Magazine, Evening Standard, Indy100, and Yahoo News. When she’s not working her way through her TBR list, Amber loves dancing, running, and going on adventures with her dog.
