45 condolence messages to send to friends and family to show how much you care

While you probably don’t need us to state the obvious for you, we will. No one wants to send a condolence message or write a sympathy card. It sucks. Someone that you care about lost someone that they care about, and that’s never easy. Even if you're not the one grieving, sending a condolence message or card can be emotionally taxing. Like...what do you say? And how do you say it?

Here’s the good news: the person on the receiving end is going to be touched no matter what you write. But it can be hard to figure out exactly what to say, and crucially what you shouldn't say during these hard times, and we get that.

So we spoke to the experts at palliative care and bereavement charity Sue Ryder, to get a better understanding of how to convey your love in the most appropriate way.

"The most important thing when writing [a condolence message] is to be yourself and draw on your relationship with the person you’re supporting. Try and avoid treating them like a patient. Think about your friend or family member's cultural norms and how they typically handle difficult times," explains Bianca Neumann, Assistant Director at Sue Ryder.

Grief can be an incredibly isolating experience, with a Sue Ryder study finding "88 per cent of people feel alone in their grief" and so being able to send a card or a message can be a great source of comfort in that time.

Neumann suggests the following messages are good examples to get you started when thinking of condolence messages:

• I know you are probably not able to put into words what is going on for you right now.
• I know you are heartbroken about the death of such an amazing and important man/woman/boy/girl/person in your life. I know how much [insert the name of the person who has died] meant to you, and I can't imagine what this loss feels like.
• I am so sorry to hear that [insert the name of the person who has died] has died. I know nothing we can say can ease the pain.
• I am so sorry for your loss. He/She/They from what you have told me about them they [memorable event/trait] and they will be so missed.
• I am thinking of you at this difficult time and sending you a big hug and lots of love.
• I am so sorry for your loss. I'll touch base with you in a couple of weeks and when you're ready, let's meet and go to [their favourite place].

You could also share a brief memory of the person as well, Neumann suggests. For example:

• I am so sorry to hear about [insert the name of the person who has died]. They were such an incredible person and I will never forget [insert a memory or anecdote].

Neumann also suggests using the favourite songs or poems of the person who has died to use within your message.

Knowing what to avoid when writing a condolence message is also key and Neumann reminds us "Grief is deeply personal, and it’s important not to assume how someone feels. While you may have experienced bereavement yourself, every person’s grief is unique. Instead of saying things like, 'you must be feeling…' or 'I know exactly how you feel—my grandma died too,' give the bereaved space to share their feelings in their own time."

Other things not to say? Don't tell them to “heal”, “move on” or “get over it”, as "when someone is first bereaved, imagining life without the person who has died may feel impossible. They might worry about forgetting memories and find the idea of 'moving on' or 'getting over it' deeply upsetting," explains Neumann.

Neumann also suggests avoiding phrases such as "it was for the best”, or “she’s at peace now” and “at least he had a long life”, as these statements, "though well-intentioned, might not be how the bereaved person feels, and they could resent being told what to think. Instead, acknowledge what has happened and its magnitude."

Above all remember everyone's grief will look different and there's no set way for people to handle or react to their bereavement.

Need some more message ideas? Here's 38 more thoughtful words from us to share with your loved ones.

• I’m here for you during this difficult time. Please don't hesitate to reach out for anything at all, sweet friend.
• If you need to talk, vent, cry, or drink an entire bottle of wine, I’ve got you.
• My heart breaks for you, but I’m here for you on every step of your grieving journey.
• Be gentle and give yourself grace during this time.
• You have my unconditional support. Please know that, always.
• Your relationship with [name] was pure magic. That will live on.
• You gained a guardian angel. I'm so sorry for your loss and thinking of you every second right now.
• I know that there’s nothing I can say to make this easier, but know that I will be here with you as you go through this journey.
• [Name] will live forever in your heart and ours. We are so lucky to have the time with them that we did.

• Thinking about you and your family during this difficult time.
• Sending you my deepest condolences. Please reach out if there's anything I can take off your plate right now.
• My heart is broken for you. Sending you hugs.
• I am so saddened to hear about your loss. Thinking of you and your loved ones.
• My heart breaks for you. Please let me know if there is anything you need.
• I have no words to express how saddened I am to hear about the news of [name’s] passing.
• I hope you can find peace during this heartbreaking time.
• Sending you so much love and support. Let me know if there's anything I can do for you.
• My heart goes out to you during this difficult time. Reach out if there's anything you need.

• Your love will live on forever. Nothing can change that.
• Your love story was one for the books. We are all better for knowing [him/her/them].
• It was a privilege to witness your love story. It will live forever in all our hearts.
• Your [spouse] was a bright light to this world that will never be forgotten.
• Your partner was an incredible person that touched so many lives. They will be remembered and cherished forever.
• This loss is immeasurable, but [his/her/their] legacy will live on forever.
• The beautiful memories you shared will never leave you, and I hope that brings you comfort and peace during this difficult time.
• I wish there was something I could say or do to take away even one percent of your pain, but I will be here for you every step of the way.
• I hope you can find comfort knowing that you'll always have the memories you shared. The impact [spouse's name] made on everyone was incredible.

• Your [mum/dad/parent's] bright spirit will shine through you forever.
• I am so sorry to hear about the passing of your [mum/dad/parent]. I hope you can find peace knowing what a difference [she/he/they] made in so many lives.
• Your [mum/dad/parent] was an absolute light to this world and one that will keep shining always.
• Your [mum/dad/parent] was so lucky to have you and vice versa.
• My heart is broken for you. I love you and am here for you during this painful time.
• I hope that your beautiful memories together will bring you comfort during this unimaginably painful time.
• Your [mum/dad/parent] will always be in your heart. Please know how much of an impact they made on the world—that can never go away.
• You are an embodiment of your [mum/dad/parent's] love, passion, and kindness. That will live on in memory of [her/him/them].
• My heart and thoughts are with you as you go through the grief of losing your sweet [mum/dad/parent].
• Your [mum/dad/parent] lived such a magical and incredible life. They were truly so special.

If you need more guidance, Sue Ryder offers helpful resources, advice, and tools on their website. You can also sign up for their Grief Coach text message service, which provides personalised grief support straight to your phone—something that could benefit both you and the person you’re supporting. Or search 'grief deserves better' into Google and it'll take you straight to their website.

Megan Schaltegger

Freelance Writer

Megan Schaltegger is an NYC-based writer. She loves strong coffee, eating her way through the Manhattan food scene, and her dog, Murray. She promises not to talk about herself in third person IRL.

Lydia Venn

Senior Entertainment and Lifestyle Writer

 Lydia Venn is Cosmopolitan UK’s Senior Entertainment and Lifestyle Writer. She covers everything from TV and film, to the latest celebrity news. She also writes across our work/life section regularly creating quizzes, covering exciting new food releases and sharing the latest interior must-haves. In her role she’s interviewed everyone from Margot Robbie to Niall Horan, and her work has appeared on an episode of The Kardashians. After completing a degree in English at the University of Exeter, Lydia moved into fashion journalism, writing for the Daily Express, before working as Features Editor at The Tab, where she spoke on BBC Radio 4’s Woman’s Hour and Talk Radio. She has an encyclopedic knowledge of Gilmore Girls and 00s teen movies, and in her free time can be found with a margarita in hand watching the Real Housewives on repeat. Find her on LinkedIn.