It's time we admit something we all know to be true: dad jokes are some of the best jokes going. Yes, they're sometimes so cringe they cause the biggest of eye rolls, but that's also kinda why we love them. Sometimes you just need a joke that's so bad, it's good.
And while we don't pretend to have the comedy skills of our dads (they truly are the best at these, after all), we still reckon we've got it in us to come up with a few cracking one liners. So, without any further delay, here's 225 of the best dad jokes to entertain your mates with when the conversation dips. Thank us later!
Dad jokes about animals
- How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He uses a cattlelog
- Who is a bee’s favourite singer?
Sting
- What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer
- Why can't pigs play football?
They hog the ball
Everyone's clicking on...
- What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?
Prime mates
- What do you call it when a cow grows facial hair?
A moo-stache
- Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use a honeycomb
- Why did the rabbit go to the salon?
It was having a bad hare day
- Where do penguins go to vote?
The North Poll
- How do mice floss their teeth?
With string cheese
- Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because it was a little horse
- Where do sheep go on vacation?
The Baaaa-hamas
- What kind of bug can tell time?
A clock-roach
- What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh
- What kind of sandals do frogs wear?
Open-toad
- How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten-tickles
- How do birds learn to fly?
They wing it
- Why are fish so easy to weigh?
Because they have their own set of scales
- What are scientists’ favourite breed of dogs?
Labs
- How does a penguin build his house?
Igloos it together
- What kind of car does a sheep like to drive?
A Lamborghini
- What do you call a toothless bear?
A gummy bear!
- What do you call a cat that fibs?
A lion
- What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for school?
"Bison"
- How does a farmer count his cows?
With a cowculator
- What do frogs order at McDonalds?
French flies
- What do you call a cat in jail?
A purrpetrator
- What does a duck eat with its nachos?
Guac, guac
- What steps do you take if a lion is running toward you?
Big ones
- What did the cow say to its calf?
"It’s pasture bedtime!"
- What happened when the lion ate the comedian?
He felt funny!
- How do bees get to school?
By school buzz
- Why are fish so smart?
Because they live in schools
- What do you call a polar bear in the desert?
Lost
- What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the courtroom?
"Odour in the court!"
- Where do rabbits go after their wedding?
On their bunnymoon!
- Who comes to a picnic but is never invited?
Ants
- What sound do porcupines make when they kiss?
Ouch!
- What happens when a frog’s car breaks down?
It gets toad
- What happened when the shark tried online dating?
He was catfished
- What do you call the horse that lives next door?
Your neigh-bour
- What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice Crispies
- What do you give a sick bird?
Tweetment!
- Why did the whale cross the street?
To get to the other tide
- Why do cows go to the West End?
To see the moo-sicals
- What do you call a fly without wings?
A walk
- Which side of a duck has more feathers?
The outside
- What does a fish say after sharing a new idea?"
"Let minnow what you think"
Dad jokes about food
- How many apples grow on an apple tree?
All of them
- What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?
"Where's Pop Corn?"
- Why don't eggs tell jokes?
They'd crack each other up
- What kind of car does an egg drive?
A Yolkswagen
- What did one crisp say to the other?
"Let's go for a dip"
- What is a calendar’s favourite food?
Dates
- Why do bananas wear suncream?
Because they peel
- Why do melons have weddings?
Because they cantaloupe
- What did the hamburger name its baby?
Patty
- What kind of drink can be bitter and sweet?
Reali-tea
- Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school
- What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day?
"It was loaf at first sight"
- What do you call cheese that’s not yours?
Nacho cheese
- Why does yogurt love going to museums?
Because it’s cultured
- What’s a vampire's favourite food?
A neck-tarine
- What kind of table can you eat?
A vegetable
- What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot
- How did the burger propose?
With an onion ring
- What did the cheese say to itself in the mirror?
"Hallou-mi"
- Why should you never make plans with a croissant?
They always flake
- What day of the week do potatoes hate the most?
Fry-day
- What’s a piece of bread’s favourite chore?
Doing a loaf of laundry
- What’s a deer’s favourite ice cream flavour?
Ben & Jerry's Cookie Doe
- How do you turn soup into gold?
Add 24 carrots
- What do iPhones eat for breakfast?
Siri-al
- What’s angry and goes with custard?
Apple grumble
- Where do eggs go on holiday?
New Yolk
- What cheese is made backwards?
Edam
- Why do the French only have one egg for breakfast?
That’s un-oeuf!
- What did one plate say to the other?
"Dinner is on me"
- Why does everyone love hanging out with the mushroom?
Because he’s a fungi
- What did the piece of tofu say to its partner?
"You're my soy mate"
- Why do vegetables make the best DJs?
They always turnip the beet
- How do you make a walnut laugh?
Crack it up
- Why is it so hard to find steak puns?
They’re very rare
- What did the hot chocolate say to the coffee?
"Wake me up before you cocoa"
- Why are vegans the best friends in the world?
They never have beef with you
One liner dad jokes
- I gave my handyman a to-do list, but he only did jobs 1, 3, and 5. Turns out he only does odd jobs.
- I tried to make up a joke about a ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.
- I made a song about a tortilla once, now it's more like a wrap.
- I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.
- I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.
- I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
- I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.
- I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!
- I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!
- It takes guts to be an organ donor.
- I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.
- I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.
- I enjoy telling bad puns. That's just how eye roll.
- I told a bad chemistry joke once. I got no reaction.
- I've never been a fan of facial hair. But now it's starting to grow on me.
- My manager told me to have a good day. So I didn't go into work.
- I wanted to take a bath, but decided to leave it where it is.
- Once I read a book about glue. I couldn’t put it down.
- I’ve got 10 jokes about Wimbledon and I just need to think of one more. Then again, maybe tennis enough.
- My favourite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It’s called 'lunch'.
- I wanted to buy a pair of camouflage trousers, but I couldn't find any.
- I had a date last night and it was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a fig.
- Dogs can’t operate MRI machines. But catscan.
- If you see a burglary at an Apple store, you become an iWitness.
- Someone told me that I should write a book. I said, “That’s a novel concept.”
- I know a lot of jokes about retired people, but none of them work.
- I’ve been bored recently, so I decided to take up fencing. The neighbours keep asking that I put it back.
- I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.
- The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.
- A friend told me all apples are yellow… I told him: "that’s bananas!"
- I once got fired from a juice factory. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.
- There are only two things I don't eat for breakfast: lunch and dinner.
- I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.
- I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.
- I was going to tell a time-travelling joke, but you didn't like it.
- Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.
- My partner left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.
- I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
- I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.
- I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!
- Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.
- I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
- To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now.
- Sundays are always a little sad, but the day before is a sadder day.
- I didn’t think orthopaedic shoes would help me, but I stand corrected.
- A cheese sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
- Never hand Princess Elsa a balloon. She’ll just Let It Go.
- I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.
- My partner asked me to stop singing ‘Wonderwall’ at every party. I said "Maybe..."
- I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but she said it’s just a bug going around.
- Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
- The rotation of the Earth really makes my day.
- I used to think I was indecisive. But now I’m not so sure.
- I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me.
Dad jokes about sports
- Where does most of a hockey player’s salary come from?
The tooth fairy
- What happens if Usain Bolt misses a bus?
He waits for it at the next stop
- What sport is always in trouble?
BAD-minton
- What's a golfer’s favourite letter of the alphabet?
Tee!
- Why don’t grasshoppers watch football?
They’re fans of cricket instead!
- What tea do footballers drink?
Penal-tea!
- What’s the hardest thing about skateboarding?
The concrete
- What is cardboard’s favourite sport?
Boxing
- Where will you find a golfer on a Saturday night?
Clubbing
- Why is tennis a really loud sport?
All the players make such a racquet
- Why was the tennis club’s website down?
There were issues with the server
- How baseball players keep in contact?
They touch base every few weeks or so
- Why don’t fish like playing basketball?
They’re afraid of the net
- What is a philosopher’s favourite sport?
Mental gymnastics
- How long does it take for gymnasts to get to practice?
A split second
- Why don’t pigs play rugby?
The hog the ball
- What lights up a football stadium at night?
A football match
- What did the tennis ball say to the other tennis ball?
See you round!
- Why should you not marry a tennis player?
Love means nothing to them
- Which athlete is warmest in winter?
A long jumper
- Why doesn’t Cinderella play cricket?
She runs away from the ball
- Which football team loves ice cream?
Aston Vanilla
- Why are basketball players bad dinner dates?
They're always dribbling
- Why are football teams and scrambled eggs similar?
They’re both beaten
- What’s harder to catch the faster you run?
Your breath
The best cringe dad jokes
- What does a house wear?
Address
- What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna One, Anna Two!
- Why did Waldo go to therapy?
Because he needed to find himself
- How do celebrities stay cool?
They have many fans
- When does a joke become a “dad joke"?
When it becomes apparent
- Why do some couples go to the gym?
Because they want their relationship to work out
- How do you get Pikachu on a bus?
Poke-him-on
- What is the worst insult you can say to a ghost?
"Get a life"
- What do you call a medieval lamp?
A knight light
- Why do nurses like red crayons?
Sometimes they have to draw blood
- Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist?
He needed to get crowns
- What happens when doctors get frustrated?
They lose their patients
- Why did the scarecrow win an award?
He was outstanding in his field.
- Where do armies belong?
In your sleevies
- What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head?
Matt
- What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich?
Millionaire
- Why shouldn’t you trust trees?
They seem shady
- What causes dry skin?
A towel
- Did you hear about the guy who drank invisible ink?
He's at the hospital waiting to be seen
- What did the earthquake say when it was done?
"Sorry, my fault"
- Did you hear about the guy who was afraid of hurdles?
He got over it
- When does Friday come before Thursday?
In the dictionary
- Why are most people tired on 1st April?
They've just finished a 31-day March
- What did the beach say when the tide came in?
"Long time no sea"
- What kind of underwear do lawyers wear?
Briefs
- Can February March?
No, but April May!
- Why did the maths book look so sad?
Because of all of its problems!
- Why couldn't the baby score in basketball?
He was always dribbling
- How do you make Budweiser?
Send him to school
- What do you call a broken clock?
A waste of time
- How does Vin Diesel keep in touch with the Fast and Furious crew?
On a Zoom call
- What's a skeleton's favourite type of road?
A dead end
- Why do two tall people get along so well?
They can really see eye to eye
- What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?
They're both parasites
- Have you heard about the chocolate record player?
It sounds pretty sweet
- What did one wall say to the other?
"I'll meet you at the corner"
- What's blue and not very heavy?
Light blue
- Why didn't the vampire bite Taylor Swift?
She’s got 'Bad Blood'
- What has five toes and isn't your foot?
My foot
- Did you hear the rumour about butter?
Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!
- What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath?
Bubble 07
- Why did the computer get glasses?
To improve its website
- What do you call bears with no ears?
B
- What class do witches love the most?
Spelling
- Do mascara and lipstick ever argue?
Sure, but then they makeup
- What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree
- How does the ocean say hello?
It just waves
- What do you call an old snowman?
Water
- What sound does a witch’s car make?
Broom, broom
- How did the laptop catch a cold?
It left a window open
- Why do pancakes always win at cricket?
They have the best batter
- What do you call a magician who loses his magic?
Ian
- What did the grape say when it got stepped on?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine
- What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather?
A shoe!
- What has more letters than the alphabet?
The post office
- What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
Philippe Flop
- How do you make 7 even?
Take away the ‘s’
- What do you call the security guards for Samsung?
Guardians of the Galaxy
- When is a door not a door?
When it’s ajar
- What did the blanket say to the bed?
"I’ve got you covered"
- Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands?
Because they're extinct
So, there you have it! Dad mode = activated.
Lydia Venn is Cosmopolitan UK’s Senior Entertainment and Lifestyle Writer. She covers everything from TV and film, to the latest celebrity news. She also writes across our work/life section regularly creating quizzes, covering exciting new food releases and sharing the latest interior must-haves. In her role she’s interviewed everyone from Margot Robbie to Niall Horan, and her work has appeared on an episode of The Kardashians. After completing a degree in English at the University of Exeter, Lydia moved into fashion journalism, writing for the Daily Express, before working as Features Editor at The Tab, where she spoke on BBC Radio 4’s Woman’s Hour and Talk Radio. She has an encyclopedic knowledge of Gilmore Girls and 00s teen movies, and in her free time can be found with a margarita in hand watching the Real Housewives on repeat. Find her on LinkedIn.
