200 funny jokes to have up your sleeve, guaranteed to have you laughing all day long

Ok ok, so we're not claiming to be Ed Gamble or James Acaster, but sometimes you just need a funny joke up your sleeve. Maybe a first date just got a bit awkward and you need a a classic dad joke, or you're trying to make your niece laugh with a knock knock joke. Or maybe you need to help a friend cheer up, or you've just been approached by one of those TikTokers shouting "If you make me laugh I will buy you a car."

Here are 200 funny jokes to have up your sleeve, for when you really need a laugh even if you do think they're a bit cringe.

• What do you call a singer with a laptop on her head? A-Dell.
• When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.
• What do toilets do when they're embarrassed? They always get a bit flush.
• How do you organise a space-themed party? You planet.
• Why do pancakes always win at cricket? They have the best batter.
• Why did the robot arrive at the event so tired? He had a hard-drive.
• What do runners eat before a race? Nothing - they fast.
• How do you stop an astronaut’s toddler from crying? You rocket.
• What do you call an unpredictable camera? A loose Canon.
• Why shouldn't you use a broken pencil? Because it's point-less.
• What did the policeman say to his nipple? You're under a vest.

• Why couldn’t the sailor learn the alphabet? He kept getting lost at C.
• Why was Cinderella so bad at rugby? She kept running away from the ball.
• What did the dentist win at the competition? A little plaque.
• What do you call a skeleton with only a head? A nobody.
• What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One's very heavy and the other’s a little lighter.
• Why do ghosts like to take the lift? It lifts their spirits.
• What do you call a patronising bear? A pan-duh.
• Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
• Why didn't the skeleton never go on dates? He didn't have the guts to ask anyone.
• Do you want to hear a construction joke? Sorry, I’m still working on it.
• Why doesn't Dracula have any friends? He's a bit of a pain in the neck.

• What do you call a guy who’s really loud? Mike.
• What do you call a retired vegetable? A has-bean.
• Can February March? No, but April May!
• Why shouldn't you marry a calendar? Its days are numbered.
• Why do barbers make good drivers? They know a lot of short cuts.
• What do you call a detective that accidentally solves the case? Sheer Luck Holmes.
• What’s it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials.
• What should you do if you’re cold? Stand in the corner, it’s 90 degrees.
• What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back for seconds.
• Why did Shakespeare always write with a pen? Because pencils made him ask ‘2B or not 2B’?
• What does one eye say to the other eye? Something between us smells.
• What was Forrest Gump’s email password? 1forrest1.
• Why should you never trust stairs? They’re always up to something.
• What’s the spookiest kind of author? A ghost writer.
• What did the comedian say to Harry Potter? Why so Sirius?
• Why do we tell actors to ‘break a leg’? Because every play has a cast.
• What’s an astronaut’s favourite part of a keyboard? The space bar.
• Did you hear about the people who stole a calendar? They each got 6 months.
• Why is it hard to eat near basketball players? They dribble all the time.
• Did you hear about the actor falling through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.

• Did you hear about the group ski trip? It went downhill fast.
• Why did you decide to get rid of your vacuum? It was just collecting dust.
• This is my step-ladder…I never knew my real ladder.
• I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet…I don’t know why.
• I was going to take a bath…But then decided I was going to leave it where it was.
• A bossy man walked into a bar…And ordered everyone a round.

• Why don’t eggs tell each other secrets? They’d crack under pressure.
• Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
• I told my friend she had drawn her eyebrows too high…She looked surprised.
• Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?...The food is great, but there’s no atmosphere.
• Why did the golfer bring two pairs of trousers? He got a hole in one!
• Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
• What do you call a factory whose products are just ok? A satisfactory.
• I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey…But now I’ve turned things around.
• What do you call a can opener that won’t open? A can’t opener.
• Why did the man get hit by a bike every day? Because he was caught in a vicious cycle.
• Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was in tents.
• Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they ever said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
• I used to be a baker…But I couldn't make enough dough.
• How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
• I broke my finger last week…On the other hand, I’m okay.
• Why did the grape stop in the middle of the road? Because it ran out of juice.
• What’s one of the worst things about dating a baker? They’re very kneady
• What’s a skeleton’s favourite room? The living room
• Why did the woman put her money in the blender? She wanted to make some liquid assets.
• Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well.
• I told my friend 10 jokes to make him laugh. Sadly, no pun in ten did.
• Why do vampires not like going to BBQs? They’re not fans of steak
• I asked the librarian if the library had books on paranoia…She whispered, “They’re right behind you…”
• What do you call a snowman with a six-pack? An abdominal snowman.
• Why did the fish blush? Because it saw the ocean’s bottom.
  

• My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?” I said, “No it doesn’t.”
• I ate a clock yesterday. It was very time-consuming.
• I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.
• What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.
• My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.
• What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.
• I told my suitcase we wouldn’t be going on holiday this year. Now it’s dealing with emotional baggage.
• I asked Siri why I’m single. She turned on the front camera.
• Why did the teacher wear sunglasses to school? Because her students were so bright!
• My therapist says I’m obsessed with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
• I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn’t like it.
• What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.
• I accidentally dropped my pillow on the floor. It’s a down-fall.
• I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
• Why was the laptop cold? It left its Windows open.
• My wallet is like an onion—opening it makes me cry.
• My dog used to chase people on a bike… it got so bad, I had to take his away his bike.
• I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
• Do you know what makes my day? The rotation of the Earth?
• I have a lot of growing up to do. I realised that the other day from inside my fort.
• Why did the student eat his test? The teacher said it was a piece of cake.
• I asked my boss if I could leave early. She said, “Sure, as long as it’s permanently.”
• What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.
• Why don’t elephants use computers? They’re afraid of the mouse.
• Why are geometry books so adorable? Because they have acute angles.

• How do you know if a vampire is unwell? Because he'll be coffin.
• Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand shops.
• Why did the bicycle collapse? It was too tyred.
• What kind of music do bubbles hate? Pop.
• Why did the hairdresser win the race? He knew a shortcut.
• How did the picture end up in prison? It was framed.
• What do solicitors wear to work? Lawsuits.
• Why did the bullet lose its job? It got fired.
• Why can’t a toe be 12 inches long? Then it’d be a foot.
• Want to hear a joke about a roof? The first one’s on the house.
• What does a house wear? Address!
• What did one wall say to the other? "I'll meet you at the corner."
• Why is grass so dangerous? It’s full of blades.
• What’s orange and sounds like a carrot? A parrot.
• Why do French people eat snails? They don’t like fast food.
• Where do hamburgers and hot dogs go dancing? A meatball.
• How do trees get online? They just log on!
• How do billboards talk? Sign language.
• What’s America’s favourite soda? Mini soda.
• Why shouldn’t you trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
• How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Caesars.
• Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon? She’ll let it go.

• What kind of music do planets like? Neptunes.
• What did one hat say to the other? You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.
• Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.
• How do you follow a book? You track their footnotes.
• What’s the biggest problem with snow boots? They melt.
• What tree can fit in your hand? A palm tree.
• Why are astronauts so clean? They take meteor showers.
• Why are ghosts bad liars? They’re totally see through.
• How do poets say hello? Haven’t we metaphor?
• RIP to boiling water...You will be mist.
• How does the ocean say hi? It waves.
• How did the art competition end? In a draw.

• Why did the bike fall over? It was two tired.
• Where can you buy soup in bulk? The stock market.
• What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
• Why do bees have sticky hair? They use honeycombs.
• Sea monsters have been known to eat what? Fish and ships.
• What do you call a vicar who becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.
• What kind of cheese doesn't belong to you? Nacho cheese.

• How did the phone propose to his girlfriend? He gave her a ring.
• Which month of the year has 28 days? Um all of them.
• Why was the broom late to work? It over-swept.
• What does a pig use in the shower? Hog wash.
• So why don’t ants get sick? They have anty-bodies.
• What did the drummer call his daughters? Anna 1, Anna 2.
• Why do computers overheat? They need to vent.
• What goes up and down but doesn’t actually move? Stairs.

• What do PHD students eat when they're hungry? Academia nuts
• Why should you always knock before opening the fridge door? In case there's a salad dressing.
• Why couldn't the sesame seed stop talking? He was on a roll.
• Why do prawns never share? Because they're shellfish.
• What did the cheese say to himself in the mirror? Halloumi!
• What do you call a drunk parsnip? A steaming vegetable.
• Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fungi.

• Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because he lost his filling.
• What did one pickle say to the other? Dill with it.
• What food is never on time? Choco-late!
• What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
• How much room should you give to the funghi? As mushroom as you can.
• What do you call a cup of coffee with a pair of trousers in it? A cupachinos.
• What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? Gourdgeous.
• How does Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.
• What nuts always seem to have a cold? Cashews.
• Why did the M&M want to go to school? He wanted to be a Smartie.
• Who is green and sings? Elvis Parsley.
• What is the favourite fruit of twins? Pears.
• What do you give to cure a sick lemon? Lemon aid.
• What would you call a peanut in space? An astronut.
• I could tell you a pizza joke… But it would probably be cheesy.
• What happens when a walnut laughs heavily? It cracks up.
• Excuse me sir, will my pizza be long? Why no, it’ll be round.

• What sweet treat is never on time? Choco-late.
• What’s the saddest fruit? A blueberry.
• Where did the lettuce go for a drink? The salad bar.

• Why do fish live in salt water? Pepper makes them sneeze
• What are spiders really good at? Surfing the web
• What do you call a magic dog?A labracadabrador
• How does a farmer keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator
• What do you call an alligator detective? An investi-gator

• Where would you find a giraffe? The same place you lost it!
• Why don't they play cards in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
• What social events do spiders love to attend? Webbings.
• What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
• Why aren’t koalas considered bears? They don’t have the right koala-fications.
• What do you call a well-balanced horse? Stable.
• What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
• What’s the smartest insect? A spelling bee!
• Where do cows go on Friday nights? The moovies.
• How do you make a baby snake cry? Take away its rattle.
• What do you call a chicken that makes jokes? A comedihen.
• What are caterpillars scared of? Dogerpillars.
• Why didn’t the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah.
• Why did the bee get married? Because she found her honey.
• Why can’t the leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.
• What kind of jacket does an octopus wear?An army jacket.
• What sort of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.
• I was told I needed to stop acting like a flamingo... So I put my foot down.

• Where do horses live? In neighhhhhbourhoods.
• What do you call a goat who paints pictures? Vincent Van Goat!
• Why are mice afraid of swimming? Catfish!

Dusty Baxter-Wright

Entertainment and Lifestyle Director

Dusty Baxter-Wright is an award-winning journalist and the Entertainment and Lifestyle Director at Cosmopolitan, having previously worked at Sugarscape. She was named one of PPA’s 30 Under 30 for her work covering pop culture, careers, interiors and travel, and oversees the site’s Entertainment and Lifestyle strategy across print, digital and video. As a journalist for the best part of a decade, she has interviewed everyone from Louis Theroux and Channing Tatum to Margot Robbie and Ncuti Gatwa, while she has also spoken on Times Radio and BBC Radio. You can find her on Twitter and Instagram here.

Lydia Venn

Senior Entertainment and Lifestyle Writer

 Lydia Venn is Cosmopolitan UK’s Senior Entertainment and Lifestyle Writer. She covers everything from TV and film, to the latest celebrity news. She also writes across our work/life section regularly creating quizzes, covering exciting new food releases and sharing the latest interior must-haves. In her role she’s interviewed everyone from Margot Robbie to Niall Horan, and her work has appeared on an episode of The Kardashians. After completing a degree in English at the University of Exeter, Lydia moved into fashion journalism, writing for the Daily Express, before working as Features Editor at The Tab, where she spoke on BBC Radio 4’s Woman’s Hour and Talk Radio. She has an encyclopedic knowledge of Gilmore Girls and 00s teen movies, and in her free time can be found with a margarita in hand watching the Real Housewives on repeat. Find her on LinkedIn.