6 women on the secret impact perimenopause had on their friendships

Looking back, it was obvious. Particularly when you consider the spoon-throwing phase. My bright, sunshine, sing-in-the-kitchen mum was suddenly snappy, angry at us for the most peculiar things (but also for some reasonable ones) and, as mentioned, became quite fond of chucking a spoon across the room. She was in her mid-forties, and in perimenopause. This was the 90s (and I was a child) so it’s only now, entering into my 40s, that I can consider what she was going through, and how she wouldn’t have had the words to explain it.

Since then, we’ve gone through a revolution. Once only spoken of in whispers of hot flashes, now thanks to a wave of women opening up on TV, in books and podcasts, the reality of the perimenopause is much more understood. We understand that perimenopause is a transition, the period before a woman reaches menopause and that symptoms can be both physical and mental.

But how does this time impact the most important relationships of our lives? Our friendships (sorry, husbands, wives, partners, but it’s true!)? If we’re all going through something similar, but are experiencing that in a variety of different ways, does that cause us to bond, or feel alienate from one another? These six women share their experiences (and have made me feel much less worried about what is to come.)

“I got snappy… but I also learned to stand up for myself”

Daniella Schoch is a transformational coach, leadership strategist, and author. Her book Wiser. Hotter. Stronger: Live Courageously Through Menopause is out now.

"I didn't have many friends going through it at the same time as me. Some of my friends are a few years older, so for them menopause was already behind them. Some are younger, and menopause wasn't really on their radar yet. With the few friends I had around my age who were also going through it, we all experienced it so differently. One friend was struggling with her libido and vaginal dryness during intercourse. As I was single, I couldn't really relate to that. Another friend started on HRT because of her hot flashes and brain fog, and I didn't want to take HRT. It was harder to open up to each other.

One friend who was also in her mid-40s was going through a round of IVF, hoping to get pregnant with her second child. I was just at the point where I'd accepted that I wouldn't have a child. There was this disconnect where we were both struggling with our own issues and still trying to understand and support each other, even though we were heading in opposite directions.

A lot of us go into perimenopause trying to tough it out, not wanting to burden others, or feeling embarrassed about what we're experiencing. But that isolation makes everything harder. When I started being more honest about what I was going through, even when it felt uncomfortable or vulnerable, that's when things began to shift. Not just with my symptoms, but with how I saw this whole phase of life.

This transition is an invitation to ask yourself some really important questions: Who am I becoming? What do I actually want now? What am I done tolerating? For me, that meant accepting I wouldn't have children and finding peace with that. It meant learning to speak up instead of always keeping the peace while abandoning my own needs. I did have a few arguments where I “blew up” which is quite out of character for me. I was snappy and I had to apologise for my tone. But actually, this was a good thing, as I learned how to stand up for myself.

And honestly? Friendships get tested during this time. It's a period when things and people that no longer serve us start to become apparent and fall away. The question becomes: can your friends grow and change with you? Or are they becoming energy drainers? If it's the latter, maybe it's time to assess what you're really getting from that relationship. Not every friendship is meant to last forever, and that's not a failure. And most importantly, I learned that on the other side of all that disruption and discomfort is real power. I'm more myself now than I've ever been. I know what I want. I know what I won't compromise on. I give fewer damns about what people think. And that's worth celebrating, not hiding.

“There were comments like ‘It’s not that bad, I just got on with it.’”

Heather Jackson is co-founder and CEO of GenM, a company that works with brands to better represent menopause, and home of the MTick.

"My experience of perimenopause began before I even realised that’s what it was. Looking back, one of the first real signs was a panic attack that came completely out of the blue. I woke in the middle of the night convinced I was having a heart attack: tight chest, racing heart, overwhelming fear. I ended up in hospital, only to be told it was a panic attack.

At the time, I felt embarrassed and confused, but I now understand just how frightening and debilitating these experiences can be. It was only later, when I learned more about perimenopause and symptoms such as anxiety, heart palpitations and hormonal changes, that things started to make sense.

Menopause definitely impacted my friendships, even if I didn’t fully recognise it then. Some friends were going through similar stages, which helped in that there was comfort in knowing I wasn’t alone. But we were all experiencing it very differently, and that sometimes that made things more complicated rather than easier.

What really stood out to me was how much judgement can creep into conversations about menopause often unintentionally. Whether it’s views on HRT versus not taking HRT, or comments like "It’s not that bad, I just got on with it,” these perspectives can quietly create barriers between women. We can’t afford to build barriers when it comes to these conversations. It’s not about judging our friends or dividing ourselves into camps, it’s about supporting one another in the choices we each make. Every woman’s menopause is different, and there’s no single ‘right’ way to navigate it.

Menopause can subtly shift friendship dynamics, not through conflict, but through a need for greater understanding, honesty and compassion. We should be kinder to each other, less judgmental, and more supportive."

“Women can blame themselves for withdrawing from relationships”

Dr Louise Newson, the UK’s leading hormone and menopause specialist and creator of the free balance app, offering guidance and support during the menopause.

"Changes in hormone levels can lead to low mood, anxiety, irritability and a reduced stress threshold, which can make everyday interactions feel more difficult and can strain both romantic relationships and friendships. Many women also experience a loss of confidence, brain fog, poor sleep and fatigue, which can leave them feeling less able or less inclined to socialise or engage in conversations in the way they once did. Importantly, when symptoms are not recognised as being related to menopause, women may blame themselves or feel guilty for withdrawing from relationships, while friends, family or partners may misinterpret changes in behaviour. This lack of understanding can create distance at a time when support and connection are most needed.

Changes in friendships during perimenopause and menopause are common and not a personal failing. Acknowledging how you feel is important, and talking openly with trusted friends can be incredibly helpful, as many women are experiencing similar symptoms but don’t always articulate them. As the cause of these symptoms is low hormones levels then being prescribed the right dose and type of hormones - progesterone, estradiol and testosterone - can significantly improve symptoms such as low mood and anxiety."

“The friendships that survived are truer and deeper”

TJ Higgs is a Sunday Times best selling author and leading TV psychic medium.

"Menopause definitely changed me — and I still feel like it’s changing me now. Looking back, I don’t think it arrived with a big announcement. It just sort of slipped in. At first, I didn’t connect the dots. I just felt different. Less tolerant. More aware. More emotional at times, and then strangely numb at others.

I remember sitting with friends one evening and feeling overwhelmed by a conversation I’d had a hundred times before — nothing dramatic, nothing wrong — but suddenly I just didn’t have the energy to engage in it the way I used to. That was one of those quiet moments where I realised something in me had shifted.

My energy changed, my patience wore thinner, and I started noticing that I couldn’t keep pushing myself through things that no longer felt right. It wasn’t just physical symptoms — it was like my inner world was being rearranged. I began questioning who I was, how I lived, and what I was willing to carry anymore

With that friendships changed — probably more than I expected. My friendship group is all around the same age, but we were all experiencing menopause in very different ways. Some were barely noticing it, others were right in the thick of it, and some were handling it very practically while others were struggling emotionally.

In some ways, it brought my oldest friends and me closer. There was a shared understanding, an unspoken permission to be honest, tired, emotional, or just done. Those friendships deepened because we didn’t have to pretend anymore. But there were also casualties. I found I could no longer keep forcing myself to agree, to smooth things over, or to stay quiet just to keep the peace. Some friendships no longer aligned with who I was becoming, and menopause seemed to take away my ability — or willingness — to ignore that.

There was one friendship that really hit a bump. I remember walking away from a conversation feeling heavy and thinking, I don’t want to lose this, but I also don’t want to keep avoiding what needs to be said. Instead of walking away, I tried to do better. I listened more, softened where I could, and spoke more honestly. That friendship was saved, and I’m really glad it was. It reminded me that not everything is meant to end — sometimes it just needs attention and care. Menopause doesn’t just change your body, it changes your boundaries. It shows you what matters, who matters, and where you’ve been bending yourself too far for too long. You’re not becoming difficult — you’re becoming more honest with yourself.

The friendships that survive this stage tend to be truer, quieter, and deeper. And that, I’ve learned, is no bad thing at all."

“I was embarrassed because no one else was going through it”

Katie Taylor is CEO and founder of The Latte Lounge and The Midlife Festival.

"My symptoms started when I was 43, but, at the time, I thought they were all unrelated. I spent four years going back and forth to my doctors with brain fog, aching joints, anxiety, heart palpitations, low mood, dry skin, weight gain and losing all joy in life. It was only after my father, a retired breast cancer professor, said that even though I was still having periods and didn’t have hot flushes he thought it could be hormone related. I went to a gynecologist who correctly diagnosed me with perimenopause, not depression, and prescribed HRT instead of SSRIS.

None of my friends were going through it and I found it really embarrassing. I felt they were probably judging me for not being able to cope and I felt ashamed of myself. As a mum of four I used to pride myself on being able to juggle my home and work life well but suddenly I was a shell of a woman, I gave up my job and stayed at home all day unable to do anything. Whenever I tried to mention it my friends would say I sounded depressed. I’ve got no doubt they also thought I was being antisocial and boring so, eventually, I stopped talking about it. I found it a really isolating and lonely time. I don’t want anyone to go through what I did, which is what the Latte Lounge community is all about, on our free Facebook group there are over 26k women, I wish I could have met them at the time."

“Singing in a choir helped manage my symptoms and make friends”

Yula Andrews runs the feel-good choirs Pop Chorus, named the UK's Friendliest Choirs

My symptoms started creeping in when I was around 45, but it took a few years for me to start putting everything together. What I’d flippantly warned my family might be coming, but wasn’t at all prepared for, was the impact that the hormonal changes were going to have on my brain. My mood, emotions, and cognitive function were all taking a massive nosedive. Mood swings? Wow. I could out-tantrum a toddler and then dissolve in a puddle of (unexplainable) tears.

An adulthood shaped by tolerance, patience and kindness, turned into an absolute inability to abide idiots and occasional murderous thoughts. As someone who’d prided myself on being reasonably articulate, the sudden loss of most verbs from my vocabulary, an inability to remember anyone’s name, and never knowing where I’d put my stupid phone, was alarming. It brought with it a crushing doubt in my own abilities and self-worth.

I’ve never been someone who has lots of friends. I founded and direct a very large community choir, so as a singer and choir leader, my work is very extrovert and ‘peopley’. Outside of work I’m naturally quite insular, preferring home, family, and a very small network of close, trusted friends. I’m very lucky that the team I’ve built around me to work in the choirs are a group of four exceptional women, all strong, funny and compassionate. These are the sort of women who always choose to champion and lift each other up.

I think, aside from our shared work, part of what strengthens our bond is that we’re all currently navigating this transitional phase of our lives. We’re all at different stages and have wildly varying experiences, but at the core of our friendship is a desire to support each other, and a willingness to share openly and honestly. Sometimes we aren’t in touch for days or weeks or only need to discuss work-related matters. And sometimes, the group chat lights up with something that, for whatever reason, seems appropriate for this particular forum.

Between us, we’ve tried a lot of things to mitigate our menopause symptoms, and to learn from each other’s experience is so valuable. These women don’t always have the answer, but having this shared space to complain, stamp your feet, demand wine or homeopathic remedies be delivered immediately, celebrate the wins, and laugh at the whole sorry mess, is priceless and a privilege. An undeniable positive to come out of menopause.

One of the things we’ve all observed, is the large number of women of a certain age who join our choir, and who are, consciously or otherwise, looking to find themselves again. The turmoil that menopause dumps into our, usually, already complicated and busy lives, can be catastrophic.

Women might just be getting their life together – perhaps they’ve got aging parents, they’re dealing with kids navigating their own hormones, managing relationships – thriving/ending/transforming, bereavement, illness, work, changing friendships, deciding what they want to be when they grow up – maybe even doing it… and then suddenly, this identity crisis slams in and threatens to undermine everything. They look up and all the balls are in the air, and then time slows down, and suddenly they don’t know how to juggle any more.

I realised that perhaps what we’re doing with our community choirs could be tailored specifically to help people experiencing menopause symptoms. As an experienced wellbeing singing practitioner, I was already well aware of the benefits of group singing for illnesses like Parkinsons. As a result, I’m now conducting a study in partnership with the University of Essex, working with Professor of Nursing, Director of Research, and menopause specialist, Camille Cronin, into the benefits of singing for people experiencing symptoms of menopause.

Catriona Innes

Catriona Innes is Cosmopolitan UK’s multiple award-winning Commissioning Editor, who has won BSME awards both for her longform investigative journalism as well as for leading the Cosmopolitan features department. Alongside commissioning and editing the features section, both online and in print, Catriona regularly writes her own hard-hitting investigations spending months researching some of the most pressing issues affecting young women today. 

She has spent time undercover with specialist police forces, domestic abuse social workers and even Playboy Bunnies to create articles that take readers to the heart of the story. Catriona is also a published author, poet and volunteers with a number of organisations that directly help the homeless community of London. She’s often found challenging her weak ankles in towering heels through the streets of Soho. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter.