My hair hasn’t been this short or curly since I was a baby. For most of my childhood I never really knew what my natural hair was like; it was permed from the age of 5, which resulted in a limp clump of frizzy waves which I hated. It took some convincing but eventually, my mum allowed me to switch to a relaxer when I was 15. I wore braids back-to-back for just under a year to grow out the perm, then the wavy ends were cut off and my fresh curls were relaxed. I don’t think I even took in what my natural hair without chemicals looked like. I was too excited to see my hair straight. The result was still limp, and it never behaved quite like the swishy locks of my school friends. It also stopped around my chin and at this point, it was the shortest I’d ever had it.
Years later, after one too many scalp burns from salon relaxers, I took my hair into my own hands. I became fascinated with haircare and obsessed with hair length. I slowly grew my relaxed hair out to my waist and I had what I thought was the hair of my dreams but something kept niggling at me. After 7 years of relaxing, with every touch up the stretches between got longer, I started to wonder ‘Was I just going to relax it forever?’ 18 months passed without the ‘creamy crack’ and I finally cut off every last bit of the straight hair I’d spent years cultivating. I felt liberated in the moment, but also apprehensive. I had shoulder-length natural curls I had no idea how to care for.
Another 7 years passed and now I truly loved my hair. Being natural felt like I was finally being myself. I wasn’t massively attached to the length anymore, but my big hair was my entire identity and the longer it was, the bigger it was. My hair was usually the first thing people noticed about me and I had built a whole career around it.
Losing my hair = losing myself?
The hair loss crept up on me at first, but I kept noticing more and more clumps in the shower. I never got a solid answer for the cause, but various professionals suspected stress was the culprit. 2020 and 2021 were filled with so much loss personally and in 2022 it felt like my hair was the physical manifestation of all that loss. The experience was devastating. I’d spent years learning to love my natural hair and in two short months, I had huge bald patches.
I barely recognised myself and styling my hair every day was a reminder of what I’d lost. I toyed with the idea of a big chop at several points in my life but never followed through. I’d always been too attached to the length. When I was dealing with hair loss, I felt different. My hair didn’t fall out just once, it happened a few times from 2022 to 2023 and the thinning was all over but was particularly visible at the front.
I had a mix of short tufts of hair that had grown back and longer straggly strands that had managed to hold on. My usual wash-and-go was a fraction of the volume and I felt ashamed, so I tied it back constantly. I used layers of gel to keep the short pieces in place and put mascara on the gaps where the hair used to be. The bald spots bothered me, so I tried a few serums and supplements to stem the loss which seemed to help. I cut it a few times to blend the different lengths too, but I couldn’t shake the idea of cutting it all off and starting fresh.
Everyone's clicking on...
A fresh length
On the day of the big chop, there wasn’t much emotion. Leah Hill, a stylist I’d met once before at an event, slid into my DMs after I had posted an Instagram Story about my hair frustrations. “You would so suit short hair!” she wrote, “Short short! Have you ever thought about it?” I’d already approached a couple of other stylists but then she said she’d do it for me. I just knew she was the one to cut my hair and so I’m thankful she offered. While I didn’t want my hair anymore, it was still a big decision that I agonised over. Everyone knew me for my big hair, and I felt pressure to keep it when it started to grow back in.
My best friend Charlotte came to the salon with me, “I thought you’d cry” she said after all the ends were gone. No tears came, not even later at home. I just felt relief. I embraced a new identity for myself. A rebirth of sorts with hair as short as when I was a baby. So much of how I was seen was always tied so closely to my hair. It was refreshing it was gone.
It's been nearly a year with short hair and my hair loss issues aren’t resolved but have improved. I always planned to grow it back. Initially, I thought 6 months would be enough time to explore short hair but now I actually don’t know when I’ll grow it out again. I naively thought short hair would be less maintenance and less product but not much has changed apart from using slightly less conditioner. I do miss the versatility of different hairstyles and the upkeep of the shape and length is a lot but I’ve had fun in learning how to trim it myself between professional cuts. I still love my curls and I still take pride in caring for my hair.
For right now, I love the new identity I’ve carved out for myself. I feel like how I felt when I first went natural – liberated and freer to be myself – but this time people see me before my hair.
More from our Black beauty hub...
Our Little Black Beauty Book
How to deep condition your curls at home
