I gotta be honest: I don’t think about my boobs all that much. Unless I’m cursing their existence during a sweat-filled summer, or when I’ve made the bold decision to run down the stairs bra-less, I kind of just let them do their thing and accept that they will, one day, droop down to my waist.
That being said, I wouldn’t exactly mind if my boobs had the youthful glow (and, uh, height) they had in my teenage years. Enter: the Anese Calm Your Tits mask, a product that claims to leave your boobs feeling “firm, glowing, and perky,” along with softer, less-irritated, and more moisturised.
Not being one to give into hype, I ignored the ads for the mask on my Instagram feed the first, uh, 60 times I saw them. But when my college friends started DMing me about the mask, I gave in and volunteered to massage my boobs in the name of research.
The Mask Deets
As a disclaimer, I am, by nature, a party pooper. I am a skeptic, a nay-sayer, a “well, actually...” girl. So, of course, I scrutinised the mask’s label. Hard. I was partially hoping to find some revolutionary ingredient that really does reset sag, but instead, I found some perfectly fine, simple ingredients, like oatmeal, kaolin clay, honey, matcha, and marine collagen—the latter of which was supposedly the key to the magic.
“Marine collagen leaves your boobs feeling firm, perky, and glowing,” says the website. “Not so much,” says the expert, dermatologist Mona Gohara, M.D., associate clinical professor at Yale University. Though collagen is the literal building block of healthy, youthful skin—and diminishes as we age—“topical collagen hasn’t been shown to stimulate any internal collagen production when applied to the skin,” says Dr. Gohara. Yes, even if you slather on a lot of it.
Everyone's clicking on...
Still, with reviews like “really wakes the girls up ;)” and “beautiful boobies thanks to this mask!!” I forged ahead and tested it out.
How It Felt
According to the instructions, the CYT (Calm Your Tits) mask can be used all over your breasts and nipples—whether that’s just under your boobs, on the sides of them, in the shape of Noah Centineo’s face in your cleavage, wherever. I decided to slather it all over my chest.
The formula itself smells dreamy—very clean, fresh, and subtle—and spreads like a cream over your skin. In Anese’s Instagram photos, the boob models look cool and casual, staring off into the distance like they DGAF. In my apartment, though, I sat shirtless on the couch, shivering, as my boyfriend silently stared at me from across the room, possibly questioning our relationship.
The directions say to leave the mask on for 20-30 minutes, which is just enough time for the clay to gently harden, like a face mask. After exactly 25 minutes, during which I honestly felt nothing (in a good way; nobody wants itchy boobs), the mask had set and started flaking off, so I hopped in the shower.
The Results
For lack of before-and-after photos (I mean, I definitely have some on my camera roll, but I decided to spare the world), you’ll have to trust me when I say my boobs looked exactly the same after washing it off. Which, you know, was expected. “For skin to be taught and plump, you need a combo of collagen and hyaluronic acid, and for breasts to look perkier, you need toned muscles, youth, or DNA,” says Dr. Gohara.
What I didn’t expect, though, was for my skin (especially my nips, whattup) to feel so damn soft, like I had bathed in milk. And, the next day, I swear I didn’t have as much boob sweat at the gym as I usually do—which, sure, could be the placebo effect, or it could the kaolin clay in the mask, which soaks up oil like a sponge (also why this mask is great for chest acne, if you’ve got it).
Still, if you’re hoping that it'll turn your boob clock back a few years, readjust your expectations. “I wish that rubbing some clay and honey on my breasts made them perky,” says Dr. Gohara. “I would have saved tons of money on push-up bras.” But if you want a smooth, clearer chest, and a few fun selfies for the ‘gram? Hop on the Calm Your Tits wagon, fast.
Follow Chloe on Instagram.
Chloe Metzger is the deputy beauty director at Cosmopolitan, overseeing the editorial content and growth strategy of the hair, makeup, and skin space on digital, while also obsessively writing about the best hair products for every hair type (curly girl here; whattup), and the skincare routines that really, truly work (follow her on Instagram to see behind-the-scenes pics of that magazine life). She brings nearly a decade of writing and editing expertise, and her work has appeared in Allure, Health, Fitness, Marie Claire, StyleCaster, and Parents. She also has an unhealthy adoration for Tom Hanks and would like to please meet him one day, if you could arrange that. Thanks.
