You don’t have to be kinky to experiment with role-play. In fact, it’s actually a great way to get out of your sexual comfort zone and explore new personas and techniques. Not to mention, it’s an excellent way to spice up your regular routine with your partner. If you’re stuck in a rut or just craving something new and different, role playing a new-to-you scenario can help, especially because there’s tons of variety in it. You don’t need a sex dungeon or to practice a BDSM-adjacent scene (although those are certainly options to explore!)—you just need a little bit of creativity, open communication with your partner, and perhaps a prop or two (optional!).
“Anyone who wants to try something a little kinky, a little naughty, and a little creative can enjoy this kind of play,” says certified sex and relationships psychotherapist Gigi Engle, resident intimacy expert at dating app 3Fun. “It is one of the great sexual unifiers. It's on the table for everyone in every kind of relationship—if you want it to be!” Which means, yes, you can definitely take it slow and keep it simple, like pretending you’re strangers who are hooking up for the first time. Or, you can dive into something completely novel to you with some pre-negotiated consent and conversation.
Below, we’re diving into all things role-play with the help of sex and relationships experts, including what role-play actually is, the benefits of role-play, and some creative ways you can try it out for yourself.
What Is Sexual Role-Play?
At its most basic level, role-playing is when an individual plays a different person or character in a sexual situation, which can be everything from traditional sex to a full-on kink/BDSM scene, says certified sex educator Javay Frye-Nekrasova, MEd, sex expert for Lovehoney. “Role-playing can be as intricate or minimal as the individuals involved want,” she says.
Engle describes it as an erotic game created between partners, but with open communication at its center. “Scenes are thoroughly negotiated and everyone engaging in them is giving enthusiastic consent,” she says. “Role-play may involve elements of BDSM, but not always. Each scene is centered on what both partners want and enjoy during sexual and erotic play.”
What Are Some of the Benefits of Role-Playing?
There are multiple benefits that role-playing can have, not just in your sex life, but in your relationship with your partner, and even in your relationship with yourself. But one of the biggest ones? It lets you step out of your usual routine, which can be especially helpful if you’ve been together for a long time and craving something new.
“Many couples don't vary a lot from the kind of play (and roles within it) that have become normative for them—like gender roles, often, but also who initiates sex, whose preferences tend to get the most focus, how adventuresome or comfort-level-focused they are,” says staff sexologist for Good Vibrations, Carol Queen, PhD, curator of the Antique Vibrator Museum and author of Exhibitionism for the Shy. Role-play gives you the chance to do something different outside of your usual sex life, and who knows? You might like it enough to make it part of your regular routine. But that’s what makes it so beneficial—there’s no pressure to really have to, if you want to keep it separate. “Role-play gives you so much permission to try things on, and like a costume, you can take it off when you’re done,” says Queen.
It can also let you experience what it’s like to have sex with “someone else” if you’re curious about that, but you still want to be monogamous with your partner. “You can be someone else, but you don't have to be with someone else,” says Frye-Nekrasova.
Beyond allowing you to explore new sides to your relationship and sexual dynamic, role-playing can also help you explore new sides to yourself. “It’s common for us to feel like we have to be a certain way or fit a certain aesthetic, role, or persona, but role-playing can give people the space to explore a side of them that they don’t think they have space for in other areas of their life,” says Frye-Nekrasova. This, says Queen, can be really eye-opening and life-changing. “It can introduce you to varying possibilities within your personality too, as when a fairly reserved person takes on a dominant role,” she says. “It can open doors when it comes to realizing what you want, or what you like about what you already have.”
What Are Some Role-Playing Safety Tips?
Define parameters and negotiate your scene before starting.
Think of negotiation as the pre-scene huddle. It’s an opportunity for you and your partner to establish boundaries, talk about consent, what you are and aren’t comfortable with, and the details of what roles you want to play. “Do you want to be called a specific name the whole time? Are there any names or roles you aren't comfortable with?” asks Frye-Nekrasova.
When it comes to negotiating, Queen says not to leave anything about your wants and needs up to guesswork, and to be explicit! “This is an opportunity to be clear,” she says. This is also a great time to…
Establish a safe word.
Especially in role-play, “something someone says or does in character may turn you off or overstep a boundary, and you need to make it clear that you need to pause,” says Frye-Nekrasova. This is why it’s so important to have a safe word in place. It can be something as silly as “banana” or as simple as “red”—just make sure you have one and that you’re on the same page. Also, make sure it’s something that your partner understands as a signal to stop, not something that can get lost in the scene or role you’re playing. “You don't want your partner misinterpreting you saying something as a part of the role-playing.”
Stay sober.
Substances can alter your state of mind and make it impossible to consent, so make sure you’re sober and/or minimize everything from alcohol, to party drugs, to hypnosis. Stay aware of how you’re feeling, says Queen, and…
Only play with people you know and trust.
This is especially important if you’re roleplaying for the first time. Make sure that you’re in good hands and that the person (or people!) you’re engaging with respect your boundaries and limits. On the same token, you might also want to leave bondage and restraint play for later exploration, says Queen. “You want to know how your scene partner will respond to a safe word and exercise care.”
Practice aftercare.
Aftercare means doing activities after a scene in order to come down from the often intense emotions we experience during play, says Engle. It can help you reconnect and re-enter your reality in a way that feels smooth, and it's essential in all forms of sex but especially important when you're trying something new.
It can look different for everyone depending on each person's needs—some people like to cuddle, others like to shower together, share a cup of tea, talk things through, and more. "Discuss what kinds of aftercare might be best for you before you play and invest solid time in doing those activities," says Engle.
Check in.
Checking in can be part of aftercare, but Engle also recommends doing it the next day or touching base after each of you gets home (if you don't live together). "Ask how they're feeling about everything that went down. Share how you're feeling, too. It's always a good idea to make sure everyone is feeling safe and secure about what you experienced together. And if you or your partner are not, figure out what each of you needs to establish that safety," she says.
What Are Some Common Sexual Role-Play Ideas to Try?
When it comes to deciding what scene you want to play, anything goes as long as you and your partner are comfortable and consenting. You can involve costumes, accessories, decor, you can play in the comfort of your own home, or at a dungeon, or a sex party. You can play with just each other, or involve other consenting people as long as the lines of communication are open and everyone’s aligned. Think about what dynamics or sides to yourself and your relationship you want to explore. Here are some common scenarios ideas to start, according to Frye-Nekrasova and Queen.
1. Strangers
This is a great one to start off with if you’ve never role-played before. Meet at a bar and pretend you don’t know each other, give yourselves different names, accents, jobs, and go home together for a “nightcap.”
2. Doctor or nurse/patient
This scenario would never be okay IRL, but in role-playing, it lets you play with Dominant/submissive dynamics. Perhaps you and/or your partner get turned on by authority in this scenario, or by being told what to do. It’s also a fun one in which to use costumes or accessories. (Aka: Time to pull out that “sexy nurse” costume from college.)
3. Teacher/student
Another one that would never be okay IRL, but much like the scene above, the teacher/student dynamic is a common role-play scenario that allows you to play with power dynamics—particularly punishment. Maybe you did so poorly on an exam, and you need to face the consequences.
4. Boss/employee
Again—not okay IRL, but a fun option when it comes to role-play and power dynamics. Perhaps you need to spend some ~alone time~ going over “notes” after a “meeting”?
5. A virgin and a seductive, experienced partner
Maybe your actual first time wasn't what you expected. Well, this is the chance to relive it and re-do it exactly how you would’ve wanted it to be. Pretend that one of you is a virgin being seduced by someone who wants to show you how it’s done, or pretend it’s both of your first times!
6. Groupie/rock star
Your favorite musician saw you in the audience, was so captivated by you, and is inviting you backstage for a ~behind-the-scenes~ experience.
7. Massage therapist/client
Yeah—def not okay IRL, but with your partner, it can be a fun way to incorporate massage candles and warm (body-safe!) oil or lube.
8. Royal/handmaiden
Grab a plastic crown from a party supply store and pretend like one of you is royalty, while the other is them handmaiden, obeying commands to please them as they wish.
9. Repair-person or delivery-person
If you’ve ever fantasized about getting it on with a stranger who conveniently just shows up to your house, this might be a good one to test out. Use fake names, and ask them to “come in” and “take a look at your broken dishwasher.”
10. Shop associate
This one could be especially tempting in a “lingerie store” scenario, where they’re giving you suggestions and recommendations on what to try on.
11. Landlord/tenant
This is another great one (but very-not-okay-IRL one) if you’re into the whole “person shows up in the middle of the day” thing, like with a repair-person. Pretend like your partner is your landlord, you’re late on rent, and it’s time to pay up.
12. Roommates
Pretend like you’re roommates who’ve had chemistry bubbling up between them for months. This is a great opportunity to get out of your bedroom and try having sex in different parts of your place. On the kitchen counter, perhaps?
13. Pilot/flight attendant
Pretend your bed is the plane and you're "experiencing turbulence." The flight attendant's goal? To provide excellent service. (This scenario is another great one for exploring power dynamics and/or voyeurism. Pretend your bedroom window is the cockpit.)
