Whether you consider yourself an anal aficionado or are brand new to the backdoor, there’s a lot to learn—and unlearn—about anal sex and how to have it. Like most sex things—and perhaps even more so than many—anal sex is beset by all kinds of baggage and stigma that ultimately results in misinformation that only makes it harder for people to safely experience and enjoy this (actually very safe and enjoyable!) sex act.
“Unfortunately, there has always been and continues to be a severe lack of sex education, especially when it comes to anal sex,” explains anal surgeon Evan Goldstein, DO, founder of Bespoke Surgical and author of Butt Seriously: The Definitive Guide to Anal Health, Pleasure, and Everything In Between. “There is a lot of misinformation and lack of education on anal play, as well as the general stigma that still gets associated with anal sex.” This means that many people don’t know how to explore anal pleasure in a safe and healthy way, which can lead to confusion, anxiety, and general unpleasantness—which is pretty much the opposite of what anal sex (or any kind of sex) is supposed to be.
The good news? There is plenty of reliable, stigma-free, and expert-backed info out there on how to have safe, pleasurable anal sex—because, yes, it should be pleasurable (and never painful) for everyone involved. Read on for everything you need to know about how to have anal sex, featuring tips and insight from top sex experts. Whether you’re a backdoor-curious newbie or just looking to brush up on your skills, consider this your guide to all things anal.
Playthings to Make Your Backdoor Sexperience That Much Better
What Is Anal Sex?
“Anal sex generally refers to any play involving the anus,” says Jess O’Reilly, PhD, a sex and relationship expert for We-Vibe. “A narrow definition might suggest that anal sex must involve penetration, but all types of erotic pleasure that involve the anus may be classified as anal sex.”
This means that while penetrative, penis-in-anus sex may be the first thing that comes to mind when you think “anal,” sex acts like rimming (aka “analingus,” which refers to oral stimulation of the anus), using toys like butt plugs, and anally penetrating a partner with a dildo or strap-on (also called “pegging”) all “count” as anal sex.
For the purposes of this article, we’ll be focusing primarily on penetrative anal sex with a penis-having and/or strap-on-wearing partner, but find more info on rim jobs, anal sex toys, and all things anal here.
Best Positions for Anal Sex
When you think anal, you may immediately picture a face-down, ass-up situation. And while that’s certainly an option, it’s far from the only way to do it. In fact, you can have anal sex in pretty much any position you can have penetrative vaginal sex in, so don’t be afraid to experiment with different positions to figure out what works best for you and your partner(s).
For beginners, Dr. Goldstein recommends starting out with the receiving person on top and the penetrating partner sitting or lying down beneath them. This allows the receiving partner to control the speed and depth of penetration, reducing discomfort and allowing both partners to ease into things. “It also encourages communication and the ability to read facial cues more easily,” adds Dr. Goldstein. This is super important, as communicating and checking in throughout to make sure both partners are comfortable and down to continue is crucial to ensuring a safe, sexy time for everyone involved.
Once you’re comfortable and ready to switch things up, check out these 27 anal sex positions for all experience levels.
How to Prepare for Anal Sex
There are three main types of preparation you’re going to want to consider before having anal sex: physical (i.e., making sure your anus/rectum is physically ready for penetration), hygienic (doing what you can to reduce the risk of any poop-related incidents—which, by the way, are far less likely than you may fear; more on that to come), and last but certainly not least, mental and emotional (communicating with your partner, establishing enthusiastic consent, and setting boundaries). Some of this prep can happen in the days and hours leading up to an anal encounter, and some of it can take weeks, months, or even be more of an ongoing lifestyle change for those who receive anal penetration frequently. Let’s break it down.
The Physical Prep
Let’s make one thing clear, anal sex should not be painful. “It’s a myth that anal sex is inherently painful,” says Dr. Goldstein. “If you're experiencing pain during anal play, then something is wrong.” Properly preparing your body (and yes, your butthole) is a huge part of ensuring pleasurable, pain-free anal sex. Here are some tips for opening up the backdoor.
Get to Know Your butt
Understanding anal anatomy is a crucial first step that will help you feel better prepared for anal play and more aware of the sensations you’ll experience. “On the outside, there's the anus, which is highly sensitive to touch, texture, and temperature,” explains Dr. Jess. “Venturing inward, you’ll first encounter the anal canal, which houses two key muscles: the anal sphincters. The external sphincter sits just inside the opening and can be voluntarily contracted and relaxed. A little deeper, you’ll find the internal sphincter, which operates involuntarily—similar to your heartbeat or blood pressure. While you can’t consciously control it, you can encourage it to relax by breathing deeply, staying calm, and focusing on pleasure.” Achieving this level of relaxation is super important for pleasurable anal play.
Practice on Yourself First
Before you even think about trying anal with a partner, you’re going to want to spend some serious alone time with your butt.
“Solo anal play allows your body’s sensations and responses to flow more freely, helping you gain a much better understanding of what feels good and what doesn’t, which you can then share with a partner before you try anal sex together,” explains Dr. Jess. “Start by applying lube, breathing deeply, and letting yourself get aroused. Gently slide a finger in while experimenting with contracting and relaxing your external sphincter.” Go slow and move at your own pace. This part of anal prep could take days, weeks, or even longer—and that’s completely okay.
“Once you feel comfortable with shallow penetration, ease in a little further and pay attention to the internal sphincter,” says Dr. Jess. “Notice how it responds when you slow your breathing.”
Once you’ve eased into things with a finger, try experimenting with toys like butt plugs and dildos to get a better sense of what penetrative anal sex will feel like. But—and I cannot overstate this—make sure that anything you put up there is a body-safe toy designed for anal play, specifically one that has a flared base to prevent any embarrassing trips to the ER.
Anal Training/Dilation
Yes, you can gradually work your way up to an anal-sex-ready asshole by experimenting with toys and gradually increasing depth and width, but if you wanna go pro, Dr. Goldstein suggests considering an anal training kit. “Anal dilation is no doubt the single most important step that someone should take before having anal sex,” says Dr. Goldstein. “The notion that anal sex can just happen on a whim, without any prior practice or preparation, is only for the movies (and a very select group of blessed people).”
Future Method’s Glass Anal Dilator Set has three varying sizes of dildos to be used in a step-by-step, six-week program that was literally designed by experts to help people prepare for anal sex. With this kit, you use each size for a specific amount of time before graduating to the next size up. If you want to prep for anal sex in the safest, most scientifically-backed way possible, this is the way to go.
The Hygienic Prep
One of the most common concerns people have about anal sex is, well, poop. Here’s the thing: anal sex is anal sex, which means that, yes, seeing some amount of poop is a possibility. It’s a totally normal part of anal play, so let go of any shame or stigma you may have around it (and make sure you’re with a partner you truly trust to make you feel safe and supported, poop or no poop). That said, the likelihood of encountering any serious shitstorm is actually pretty low.
“The reality is, unless you feel an urgent need to go to the bathroom, the area where you’ll be having sex—the anal canal and rectum—is most likely free of any feces,” says Dr. Goldstein.
Moreover, there are some simple prep tips that can help you greatly reduce the risk of any poop-related problems.
Increase Your Fiber Intake
Mess-free anal does not start with (or even require!) douching. Rather, it all starts with a healthy gut. Dr. Goldstein says that in order to reduce (or even eliminate) the need to douche, you can add fiber supplements to your diet to ensure you’re keeping things regular in your gut.
“Incorporate daily fiber and synbiotic supplements to help bulk the stool, making your poops more formed and easier to pass more completely,” explains Dr. Goldstein. This means less risk of any fecal matter lingering in the anal canal, which means less risk of poop making any surprise appearances.
We recommend the Pure for Her: Stay Ready fiber supplement.
You Don’t Have to Douche (But You Can If You Want To)
First of all, it’s a total myth that you have to douche before anal. In fact, Dr. Goldstein says that unnecessary or improper douching can even lead to irritation, bleeding, and other complications. That said! There are healthy, safe, and effective ways to douche if you choose to.
Again, following a fiber-rich diet and having regular bowel movements should be enough to ensure little to no poop crashes your anal adventures. Still, feeling extra clean can help you go into any anal encounter feeling more confident and relaxed, which is key to having a pleasurable experience. So if you want to ensure your butthole is extra spic and span, you can safely douche using a simple bulb enema and Future Method’s body-safe, medically formulated douching solution. Steer clear of any drugstore products on this one; if you’re going to douche, it’s super important to make sure you’re using the right stuff.
Before You Douche, Try a Toy Test
Once again, if you want to douche, by all means, go forth and douche (safely!). Still, Dr. Goldstein says “less is more” when it comes to douching, so it’s best not to do it if you don’t have to. One way to find out? Try what Dr. Goldstein calls a “toy test.” Before you douche, take a (butt-safe, flared-bottom) toy, lube it up, and insert it. If the toy comes out clean, you’re in the clear and ready to proceed. “If not, you might opt to douche or wait for another time when you feel more ready,” says Dr. Goldstein.
And honestly, that last part is so crucial. If you don’t feel ready, don’t do it! As Dr. Goldstein notes, so much of being ready for anal is really about feeling ready mentally. Which brings us to….
The Mental/Emotional Prep
No matter how clean or dilated your butthole may be, being physically ready is only part of the game. Before trying anal (especially for the first time), you’re going to want to do some mental prep as well, including:
Talk to Your Partner and Ensure Enthusiastic Consent
As with all sex things all the time, consent is paramount. Make sure you and your partner discuss anal sex beforehand, are both on board and excited, and both consent. If you’re having anal sex for the first time or are reintroducing it after a hiatus, these conversations should happen well before you actually plan to do it, and definitely not in the heat of the moment. And remember, consent is fluid and can be revoked at any time. Partners should check in with each other both leading up to and during the encounter to make sure everyone is still engaging consensually and enthusiastically. If at any point you find you want to back out or stop, then do—and remember that the same goes for your partner.
Establish Boundaries and Expectations
These conversations with your partner should also include discussions about expectations, wants, desires, boundaries, and any concerns you may have. You may want to decide what positions you’re interested in trying ahead of time, whether or not you’re open to penetration, how much depth you’re ready for, and anything else you are or aren’t comfortable with. A Yes/No/Maybe list could come in handy here. And again, these conversations should happen well in advance.
Have a safe word
Ongoing communication during sex (of all kinds) is crucial, and establishing a safe word ahead of time can help make that communication easier in the moment.
“When you are in the act, having words like ‘red, green, and yellow’ for verbal cues lets the person receiving the penetration take control and guide the person doing the penetrating,” says sex educator Linnea Marie. “All parties should be aware of what's going on and of everyone’s]comfort levels. The angle, placement, stroke depths, and stroke patterns matter. Boundaries and verbal cues will help with achieving maximum pleasure.”
Anal Sex Tips
Okay, now that we’ve gone over all things anal sex prep, here’s what you’re going to want to know about actually having anal sex. Allow these expert tips to guide you on your next anal adventure.
1. Use Lube
This is the number one, most important sex tip we can possibly give, and it’s even more important during anal than other kinds of sex. “Unlike the vagina, the anus doesn’t self-lubricate, so you’ll want to make sure you’re using copious amounts of lube to ensure a smooth ride from start to finish,” says Dr. Goldstein.
Most experts recommend a silicone lube for anal since it tends to be slicker and longer-lasting than water-based formulas. Find a list of our favorite, expert-approved lubes for anal sex here, or try out this Cosmo Lube Award-winning hybrid lube from Sliquid.
2. Then Use More Lube
You may have heard that too much lube takes away the friction that makes sex feel good. This could not be more wrong. “Lube is your best friend,” says Dr. Jess. “To ensure the most pleasurable and comfortable experience with anal sex, lube is a must.” As for how much to use, Dr. Jess says there’s really no such thing as too much. Apply during foreplay, apply just before insertion, and keep applying as you play to keep things comfy.
3. But Stay Away From Numbing Agents
Sure, the idea of a numbing cream that protects you from feeling any potential pain during anal may sound nice. But first of all, anal sex should not be painful. Moreover, numbing creams put you at risk for injury.
“Avoid numbing creams. I know they are tempting, but pain is your body’s way of letting you know something is wrong,” says sex educator Wendasha Jenkins Hall, PhD. “If your anus is numb, you can’t tell if any of your activities are causing damage. You can’t feel if you need more lube or if your body is tightening up to the penetration or impact.”
Again, anal sex is supposed to feel good. If you want to numb yourself out of whatever sensations you’re feeling, then anal probably isn’t for you...and that’s more than okay!
4. Don’t Neglect Foreplay
Quick little disclaimer on the term “foreplay”—it’s a bit dated in that it suggests that penetrative intercourse is the only “real” sex and that everything else is just a precursor to the main event. Penetration, whether anal or vaginal, is very much not the end-all, be-all of sex; all forms of sexual touch and play “count” as sex. That said, what we might call “foreplay” (i.e., warming up with other sex acts before jumping into penetration) is just as important with anal as it is any other kind of sex.
“Whether that’s introducing toys and dilators into play—which is a great way to pre-lubricate and pre-dilate the anal canal (I’m a huge fan of this method)—making out, exploring other erogenous zones, or engaging in oral sex and rimming, these can all help put the mind at ease and also relax the body before sex,” says Dr. Goldstein.
“Sexual excitement has a natural soothing effect on the body,” adds Dr. Jess. And relaxation is crucial to pleasurable anal sex. “Sensations that might feel uncomfortable when you’re not turned on can become intensely pleasurable once arousal kicks in.”
5. Consider Having an Orgasm First
“You may want to have an orgasm before experimenting with penetration, as you may find that your body is more relaxed and primed for pleasure,” says Dr. Jess. “Oxytocin, which spikes during arousal, can have a palliative effect on the body, so high arousal and orgasm may create more comfort and pleasure (and less pain).” Have a partner go down on you, use a toy, etc. However you get there, a pre-anal orgasm is never a bad idea.
6. Start With Non-Penetrative Anal Play
Before diving into penetrative anal sex, you may want to give lighter forms of anal play a try. “There are so many different ways to pleasure the butt,” explains Dr. Jess. She suggests stimulating the anus with anal toys, rimming, or butt plugs to get a lower-pressure idea of what the sensations of anal stimulation feel like. This can help you physically and mentally work up to penetration before gradually experimenting with insertion—or not! Because remember, “penetration is always optional,” says Dr. Jess.
7. Relax and Go Slow
If you decide you are ready to venture into penetrative anal play, relaxing and breathing is essential, and learning how to control the muscles in and around your anus can definitely help. “Though you can easily control your outer sphincter muscle with your central nervous system (the same system that allows you to contract the other muscles in your body at will), your breath can help you to relax your inner sphincter muscle, which is controlled by the autonomic nervous system,” Dr. Jess explains. “Just as deep breathing and other relaxation techniques can help to slow your heart rate, they can also help you to relax the inner sphincter ring to make anal play more enjoyable.”
Breathe deep and start slow, “preferably with the person receiving on top, until you’re fully relaxed and ready to switch things up,” says Dr. Goldstein. “This will help reduce discomfort and set the stage for a session that’s as long (or short) as you both want.”
8. It May Feel Like You’re Pooping (That’s Normal)
Unsurprisingly, the sensation of something moving around in your butt can feel a lot like having a bowel movement. During anal sex—especially the first time–it may be hard to tell if you are or aren’t pooping. Don’t worry: if you’ve prepped appropriately (see above), the odds of actually pooping during anal are low. And, again, if some poop does make an appearance, remember that it’s just a normal part of anal play that both you and your partner should be able to handle.
9. Be Vocal
Even if you’re not usually much of a dirty talker, it’s super important to communicate with your partner during anal sex—especially if you’re new to it.
“Keep open and honest lines of communication while you’re having sex,” says Dr. Goldstein. “Let your partner(s) know what feels good and what doesn’t. In the end, sex is about receiving and giving pleasure.” Letting your partner know what is and isn’t working (and encouraging them to do the same) can only improve the experience for everyone involved.
10. Incorporate Other Kinds of Stimulation
“Anal sex doesn’t have to mean only anal stimulation,” says Dr. Jess. “Increase overall pleasure by stimulating other hot spots.” Once you’re in the groove of things, add in some clit stim, some vaginal stimulation, or whatever other kinds of touch you love—and don’t be afraid to bring some toys into the game.
11. Experiment With Different Positions
Again, receiving partner on top is probably best to start with, especially for beginners. But once you’ve gotten into it, feel free to experiment with different positions like lying flat on your stomach, getting in doggy-style, or missionary.
12. But Don’t Go From Anal to Vaginal in One Session
Avoid going from anal to vaginal sex. Why? Any bacteria found in your stool can increase your risk of acquiring infections like UTIs, bacterial vaginosis, yeast infections, and more. If you absolutely must go from anal to vaginal, be sure to thoroughly wash the penis, finger, or toy that was in the anus before introducing it in the vaginal canal.
13. If It Hurts, Stop!
Once again, anal sex should not hurt. If you’re having anal play of any kind and experience pain, something is wrong. Anal sex should never, ever hurt.
Sure, some, new (and potentially uncomfortable) sensations are to be expected—a lot of people say it feels like they need to poop or like a primal, pressure feeling. But Dr. Goldstein notes that there’s a huge difference between discomfort and pain. Of course, any kind of discomfort is more than enough reason to press pause on the whole situation. But if you feel any pain, that should absolutely be a full-stop situation. While lasting injuries from anal sex are possible but rare, painful anal sex can lead to anal fissures, tears, and other complications. Dr. Jess says that if you’re experiencing pain during anal sex, it’s probably because you’re tense, aren’t using enough lube, or have inserted too big of an object. Once again, preparing, easing into things, and making sure you’re feeling aroused and relaxed is crucial.
Anal Sex Aftercare
Aftercare is the post-play activity that follows sex. This can include cuddling, talking, taking a shower, having a snack, and so much more. It’s about connecting and communicating after the heightened emotional state that can come with sex. It’s a term that’s often used in reference to kink/BDSM, but it’s just as important after any kind of sexual encounter, including anal. Basically, aftercare is a gentle way to “come down.” It’s a great way to connect with your partner, talk about what you did and didn’t like, and what else you’d like to try in the future.
Aftercare can also include the physical stuff you do to stay healthy after an anal encounter, such as….
Go to the Bathroom Afterwards
Just like peeing after vaginal intercourse is a must to help prevent UTIs, it’s important to go to the bathroom after anal as well. “During anal sex, there is a displacement of habitant organisms near the anus toward the vagina and urethra, which increases the chances of vaginal infections and UTIs,” says Ankita Gharge, MD. There’s a good chance you’ll probably feel like you have to go to the bathroom anyway.
Be Prepared for Butt Queefs
After anal sex, you’ve opened yourself up to the joy of butt queefs. And no, they’re not farts, no matter what anyone says. Very simply, “a queef is a release of air,” says Dr. Jess. “It can sound like a fart, and it can happen during or after anal penetration because air is being forced in and it needs to escape.”
Unlike vaginal queefs, anal queefs might go on for a few hours as the air escapes. You can’t really avoid them, but “the more aroused you are, the less likely you’ll be concerned about specific sounds,” explains Dr. Jess. So just let go and enjoy.
If Anything Feels Off, Go to the Doctor
Again, serious injury from anal sex is rare, but if you have any persistent pain, discomfort, or bleeding after anal sex, it’s worth checking in with a doc. Also, if you’re finding it difficult to open up enough to truly enjoy anal, working with a doctor who specializes in all things ass can help address any physical barriers to entry (literally). Dr. Goldstein’s practice has pioneered studies and testing that can help patients identify and resolve any anal ailments—such as tears, hemorrhoids, or muscle tightness—that may be standing between them and more pleasurable anal sex.
And if you suspect your problem may be more mental than physical, a sex therapist can also help you work through any shame, stigma, or other negative feelings or psychological roadblocks that may be interfering with your capacity to fully enjoy anal.
That Said, If You Don’t Love It, You Don’t Have to Keep Doing It
As with all sex things all the time, you don’t have to have anal sex if you don’t want to. Like all new sexual experiences, your first time having anal may not automatically be magical—it can take time and practice to learn what you like. Then again, if you try it, don’t like it, and decide to never do it again, that’s also totally fine.
