15 Things Women Want In Bed and How to Sexually Please a Woman

To cut to the chase: There is no one-size-fits-all answer to what women want in bed. Not all women have vaginas. Not all people with vaginas are women. And not everyone wants the same thing every time. Sexual preferences are deeply personal, shaped by everything from hormones and history to emotional connection, cultural messaging, body image, past experiences, and more.

Still, if you ask enough women—and experts!—you’ll start to hear a few clear, recurring themes. According to certified sexologist and sexpert for Lovers, Marla Renee Stewart, a great sex life starts with curiosity. “Ask about her wants, needs, and desires,” she says. “The more in-depth you can get, the better.” That includes getting specific about touch, language, preferences, and how those things might evolve over time.

For example: Some people might like watching porn with their partner to get in the mood, while others prefer talking dirty, using sex toys, hooking up in the shower, exploring power play, or having sex somewhere unexpected. The point is, everyone’s into different things—and exploring together can be half the fun.

“Pleasing a partner isn’t just about doing things to them,” says sexologist and founder of Wonderlust Natassia Miller. “It’s about being with them. Bring presence, patience, and attunement.” That means being open to feedback, trying new things, and staying flexible in the moment, even when things get awkward. I know talking about sex might feel a little (or a lot) uncomfy—especially if the relationship is new, casual, or you’ve been together forever and want to try something new—but once you rip off the metaphorical bondage tape, it’ll get easier. Promise. And the reward? Orgasmic.

So what do women want in bed? Glad you asked. Ahead, 15 things that come up again and again—from underrated turn-ons to communication tips that actually make a difference. (But remember: Everyone’s different, so if you’re trying to please a specific person, the sexiest thing you can do is ask!)

1. Curiosity

Again, there’s no cheat code to pleasing a woman in bed—but simply being curious comes pretty damn close. “The most important thing is curiosity,” says Miller. “Not the kind that just asks, ‘Did you cum?’ but the kind that wants to know your partner—how they like to be touched, what turns them on, what shuts them down.”

I know we already mentioned this, but it's so important to spotlight it. Asking thoughtful questions, picking up on nonverbal cues, and treating intimacy as an ever-evolving conversation—not a one-night performance to nail—is crucial. As Miller puts it, “Figuring out what a woman wants in bed often starts outside the bedroom.”

2. Clitoral Stimulation

Important: If you’re ignoring the clit, you’re missing the whole point (literally). “Clitoral stimulation is a must for most women,” notes Sarah Tomchesson, a certified sex educator, intimacy coach, and the director of marketing for Magic Wand. “Pleasuring a cis woman without stimulating the clitoris either directly or indirectly is like trying to pleasure a cis man without touching his penis.”

And no, the clitoris isn’t just that one little external nub—it’s a whole internal network of nerves that deserves some love. “It’s all about the gentle pressure from the pads of a few fingers on the clit for me,” explains Emily A., 31.

Whether it’s with fingers, mouths, or toys, don’t be afraid to get specific. Ask what feels good, switch up pressure and rhythm, and don’t assume what worked for someone else will work here. Every clit is unique, so treat it accordingly.

3. Foreplay That Lasts

ICYMI, most women don’t want to go from zero to penetration in 30 seconds flat. “Foreplay that isn’t rushed” is key, says Miller. “Touch, teasing, and tension-building are often where the magic begins.” Think of it less like a warm-up and more like the actual show. Because, honestly? It is. Penetration doesn’t always equal sex. In fact, Kait H., 34, says oral sex is pretty much the key to getting her off and making the sexperience a good one.

Which means kissing, slow undressing, gentle teasing, sensual massage—these are not optional pit stops. They’re major highways to arousal. And foreplay isn’t just about what you’re doing with your hands or mouth—it’s about the vibe. “Take your time and appreciate what I’m choosing to give you,” says Erica C., 37. Let her melt into it. She—and you—will be glad you did.

4. Emotional Safety

The brain is, without a doubt, the biggest sex organ. And if someone doesn’t feel secure, their body’s probably not going to get on board. “Women’s pleasure is deeply tied to how safe, seen, and accepted we feel,” explains Angie Rowntree, founder and director of the award-winning ethical porn site Sssh.com. “Not just in the bedroom but in our bodies and relationships.”

Creating emotional safety means respecting boundaries, showing up consistently, and making space for vulnerability, not just orgasms. When someone feels emotionally secure, they’re way more likely to relax, stay present, and actually enjoy themselves. So yeah, being kind and communicative? Sexy as hell.

5. Clear Communication

Speaking of being communicative, nothing says “I care about your pleasure” like asking what someone wants. “Ask her what she likes before you ever have sex with her,” advises Tomchesson. “Check in during sex with yes or no questions. Be open to feedback afterward.”

And don’t worry—it won’t ruin the moment. If anything, it makes things hotter. “Use your words,” adds Miller. “‘Do you want more of this or something different?’ is sexy and clarifying.” Communication doesn’t kill the vibe—it creates it.

6. Presence

You know what’s not hot? Someone who’s just waiting for their turn. “When a partner is fully tuned in—not distracted, not in their head, not rushing to climax—it transforms the entire experience,” notes Miller. Being present doesn’t mean you have to gaze into each other’s eyes like it’s a romantic comedy (unless you’re into that). It just means showing up with your full attention, responding to cues, and not letting your brain spiral into tomorrow’s to-do list mid-thrust.

Great sex isn’t about performance—it’s about connection. And connection can’t happen if you’re not fully present.

7. Praise and Affirmation

“Literally compliment me,” says Lexi W., 31. Seems straightforward, but most people want to feel wanted—and not just through moans or body language (although those are great too). “Appreciation of her pleasure is so important,” says Rowntree. “When a partner genuinely enjoys giving pleasure—without it being transactional—it’s deeply affirming.”

So yeah, use words to tell her she tastes amazing. That her body drives you wild. That you love the way she moves, moans, or just is. Verbal affirmation builds confidence, heightens arousal, and turns good sex into great sex. Think of it as a dirty little pep talk where everyone wins.

8. Passion

At the same time, not every hookup needs to be a scene from Bridgerton, but turning up the heat every once in a while doesn’t hurt either. “Whether that’s slow and emotional or carnal and raw, the emotionality of passion can take your play to the next level,” says Stewart. The key takeaway here is to match your partner’s energy. Sometimes that means eye contact and slow kisses. Other times, it’s grabbing the headboard and making a mess. Passion doesn’t have to mean candles and silk sheets—it just means being fully in it.

9. Novelty

Routine can be comforting, but in bed? It can also get boring. “Variety and unpredictability are great ways to bring spice into your lovership,” explains Stewart. That could mean switching up positions, introducing a new fantasy, or just doing it somewhere slightly less expected than your bed (hi, kitchen counter). You don’t need a full-blown sex dungeon to keep things exciting—just a little creativity and the willingness to switch it up now and then. (But then again, a sex room might not be the worst idea.…)

Speaking of switching things up, it’s only hot if it’s mutual. That, my friends, is where consistent consent and open feedback come in. “Enthusiastic consent between partners is always essential,” says Rowntree. “And remember: Don’t ever feel bad about sharing your boundaries and hard limits.” Check in before, during, and after. Ask simple questions like, “Do you like that?” or “Want more of this?” And be open to hearing a “no” without taking it personally. Communication isn’t just respectful—it’s sexy AF.

11. Mental Arousal

Great sex isn’t just about the body—it’s about the brain, too. “Erotic anticipation starts way before you’re naked,” says Miller. “A flirty message during the day or describing what you want to do later can be just as, if not more, arousing than physical touch.”

Megan V., 33, says setting the mental mood early goes a long way for her. “A spicy sext, especially if I’m at work, is key.” Mental arousal can also look like fantasy-sharing, dirty talk, or, in 33-year-old Sarah B.’s case, doing the dishes or another act or service. Don’t underestimate the power of buildup—sometimes thinking about sex (and clearing mental space for it) is half the thrill.

12. Full-Body Touch

Important! Your hands shouldn’t just go straight to the genitals (unless you’ve been explicitly invited, of course). Say it with me: Most folks want full-body attention.

“Start at her feet and work your way up,” suggests Tomchesson. “Try different types of touch, and don’t skip a single spot.”

Not only does this show intention and care, but it also builds arousal more gradually (and pleasurably). And don’t sleep on the erogenous zones. “Areas where the skin is thinner—like the neck, lips, inner thighs, sides of the torso, even the backs of the knees—tend to be especially sensitive to touch,” Stewart says. Focusing on multiple areas builds arousal more slowly and deeply, helping the whole body tune in. Bottom line: Touch isn’t just a means to an end. Sometimes, it is the whole point.

13. Toys and Tools

Let’s make one thing clear: Bringing toys into the bedroom doesn’t mean anything is lacking—it means you’re both invested in turning up the pleasure. “Toys can be a powerful addition to any sex life,” says Tomchesson. “They’re great for exploring the body, enhancing arousal, and expanding your sexual repertoire.” As Amanda C., 32, says, don’t be afraid to use them—your partner has probably been dreaming of this moment, tbh.

From bullet vibes to butt plugs to lube that deserves its own award, the options are endless. Whether you’re using them solo or with a partner, toys aren’t a crutch—they’re a superpower.

14. Aftercare

Here’s something that doesn’t get talked about nearly enough: what happens after the sex. “Tenderness after sex—like cuddling, checking in, or simply being close—helps many people feel emotionally connected, which deepens future intimacy,” explains Miller. That could look like a snuggle, a snack, or just a “that was hot” whispered into someone’s hair. The specifics don’t matter as much as the intention.

Aftercare isn’t just for kink or high-intensity play either. It’s about showing care, staying present, and helping your partner feel grounded, especially if the sex involved emotional vulnerability or trying something new. It says, “I’m still here with you,” and for a lot of people, that’s just as sexy as what happened prior.

15. Orgasm Equality

Unfortunately, the orgasm gap in heterosexual relationships is still very much A Thing. While straight cis men are typically having consistent orgasms during sex, their partners often...aren’t. “Women want orgasms,” says Stewart. “With the orgasm gap still being particularly prevalent and wide, if women had more orgasms, the world would be a better place.” Preach.

This doesn’t mean every single hookup needs to end in fireworks, but it does mean prioritizing each other’s pleasure, especially when cultural scripts have long positioned male orgasm as the finish line. So talk about what feels good, introduce a toy or two, and remember: Her pleasure is not a bonus. It’s the damn baseline.