For people with penises, erectile dysfunction (ED) is more common than you might think. Study after study has shown that one in three penis-owners will experience erectile difficulties at some point in their lives, and as they age, this percentage increases to 50 percent. It’s no one’s fault, so first and foremost, break up with the notion that ED is something to be ashamed of—it’s not.
Certified sex coach Kristine D’Angelo, a clinical sexologist, says she prefers to define ED as “erectile disappointment” rather than as a “dysfunction,” as it can make people feel like the issue is more than just a very normal difficulty getting hard. Language matters, and being able to define ED in a way that feels less hopeless or intense can make a difference in how people feel about it.
If you experience erectile dysfunction, you might be wondering how to bring it up with your partner, whether you’re about to have sex for the first time, or you’ve already been intimate and it’s impacting your dynamic. We get it—it's a vulnerable topic, and bringing it up can feel a little scary. But unfortunately, ED isn’t something you can just ignore and hope it’ll sort itself out. It needs to be addressed with kindness, empathy, and understanding. That’s why we’ve wrangled some of the leading experts in the business to help guide you through how to have open and honest conversations with your partner about what you’re going through, and how you can work together to find a solution.
What Is Erectile Dysfunction?
According to John Hopkins University, medically speaking, erectile dysfunction is defined as “the persistent inability to achieve or maintain penile erection sufficient for satisfactory sexual performance.”
If you have ED, it means you have trouble getting or maintaining a hard penis during most or all sexual activity with a partner, and this happens consistently over a long period of time. People with penises can have trouble getting or maintaining an erection for many reasons, but it is only considered erectile dysfunction if it happens on the reg.
Why Discussing Erectile Dysfunction With Your Partner Is So Important
It might seem easier to just ignore the issue and pretend it doesn’t exist, but with ED, that’s not really going to help. “A lot of people shy away from talking about ED and other sexual issues as they feel ashamed, but this only increases our sense of disconnection from our partners and ourselves,” explains Pam Shaffer, MFT.
Here’s the no-frills kicker: Erectile dysfunction doesn’t just affect the person who’s physically experiencing it. If it's you, your partner might feel like they’re to blame, and that feeling can come with a lot of guilt and shame. Understanding this can help both you and your partner address the issue as a team, rather than putting it all on the penis-owner and letting it spiral into a bigger problem that can ultimately drive a wedge between you, says Shaffer.
4 Expert-Approved Tips for Couples to Talk About Erectile Dysfunction
1. Timing and tone are everything.
Before you dive into what you want to say, make sure it’s a good time to talk, says Shaffer. Be intentional about it—have the conversation outside of the bedroom and in a non-sexual situation, when you’re both feeling calm and connected. Set aside enough time to address everything you both want to say.
Also, consider how you're approaching it. Tone is important! D’Angelo says keeping it conversational can make it feel intimately safe, non-judgmental, and shame-free. “Let each other know that whatever you share, feel, or express is okay, and that you’re here to support each other during these conversations.”
2. Take ownership.
It’s important to take ownership of your feelings in the situation, rather than expect your partner to do the heavy lifting on their own. “Use ‘I’ statements that highlight your feelings or experience so that your partner understands that you're sharing something vulnerable,” Shaffer says. Some things you can say are…
- I'm feeling sensitive about the fact that I can’t stay hard.
- It makes me feel [X] when I can’t sustain an erection.
- I want us to have a great sex life, but I feel like my ED is getting in the way. I’d like it if we could find some solutions that would work for both of us.
- I'm really embarrassed that I'm struggling when we have sex. I want to go to the doctor but it’s scary to even think about making the call.
“You can then both agree to go forward with the conversation or set up a better time for it so you can be present and there for each other,” Shaffer adds.
3. Invite your partner into the conversation.
In the same way that erectile dysfunction affects both partners, this conversation is an opportunity for both of you to voice your feelings—including the partner who isn't physically experiencing ED. If they don’t already know that, they might feel like they need permission to share. Here are some ways to do that:
- I hope you know I still feel the same way about you, even if I am struggling with ED. How are you feeling hearing this?
- How do my issues with staying hard impact you? I want us to be a team on this.
- I can understand if this is a difficult conversation to have, but how are you receiving what I’m sharing?
“Your insights and questions help your partner empathize with your perspective and give them the chance to support you,” Shaffer tells us.
4. Take the pressure off the erection.
Possibly one of the most important parts of ED treatment is taking the emphasis off erections as necessary to experience pleasure and intimacy. Putting pressure on your ability to maintain an erection can contribute to performance anxiety and not being able to maintain the erection; like a “snake eating its own tail” situation. Instead, D’Angelo suggests focusing on alternative ways that both you and your partner can experience fulfilling sex without the need for an erection. (Hello, oral sex!) Shifting how you define great sex can open a whole new world of possibilities for you both.
Erection difficulties can happen to anyone. It's when you and your partner can come to the issue as something you’re facing together and consider the vast and varied ways pleasure can be experienced that the real magic happens—and strengthens your bond in the process.
