Nearly a decade ago when I started practicing polyamory, I remember feeling like a castaway at sea—completely lost. I wanted to be this “perfect” poly person who never got jealous, clearly communicated their desires and boundaries without fear, and had boundless energy and desire for multiple partners a week. It took me a while to realize that this “perfect” poly person doesn’t exist and that the criteria I’d developed for being perfect was, in many ways, lacking.
There was a steep learning curve. It took time, practice, lots of hard conversations, and introspection to identify and overcome the roots of my insecurities before polyamory started to feel less overwhelming. Eventually, I found my footing, and while I’ve evolved through several versions of polyamory—like the time I lived with a boyfriend, his wife, and her girlfriend—I’m still non-monogamous today, settling into a hierarchical structure that works well for me and my current girlfriend.
Even though it all worked out in the end, I still wish I’d had more resources at the time to help me figure it all out. While there was some literature on healthy and fulfilling non-monogamous relationships, it’s nothing compared to what’s available today. Modern media, books, influencers, and podcasts have delved into all the details of non-monogamy, tackling it from different perspectives and angles. In part, because a growing number of Americans are interested or partaking in polyamory. Results from a 2021 study published in Frontier of Psychology indicated that 1 out of 6 people (16.8 percent) had a desire to engage in polyamory, and 1 out of 9 people (10.7 percent) already had engaged in it at some point in their life.
If you’re part of those statistics or even if you’re just curious about what ethical non-monogamy is all about, I put together a comprehensive list of resources I would’ve loved to have at the start of my journey. I also reached out to non-monogamy and relationship experts for recommendations that can help inform your own journey. Everyone’s experience with polyamory is different, but trust me when I say that it can be a deeply satisfying lifestyle when you approach it with flexibility and open-mindedness. Here are a few places to start.
Books About Non-Monogamy
1. Open Deeply: A Guide to Building Conscious, Compassionate Open Relationships by Kate Loree
“This book is a brilliant resource for anyone looking to better understand how their attachment styles play a role in navigating relational distress and conflict,” says Kate Balestrieri, PsyD, CST, founder of Modern Intimacy and author of What Happened to My Sex Life? A Sex Therapist’s Guide to Reclaiming Lost Desire, Connection, and Pleasure. “This book also equips readers with neurobiology-informed strategies to help partners construct a dynamic of emotionally regulated approaches to supporting each other and thrive in non-monogamous relationships.”
2. The Ethical Slut, Third Edition by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton
“The Ethical Slut was written in 2009, and since then, many things have changed in the understanding of consensual non-monogamy (CNM),” says sex therapist Joe Kort, PhD, author of Side Guys: It’s Still Sex Even if You Don’t Have Intercourse. “However, I believe this book is a great resource for people new to CNM, who are looking to open up, or anyone who wants to get to know their partner(s) better. It encourages you to reflect on your own values and understanding of relationships and what it means to you, and how you will respond to different scenarios as they arise. How will you feel when your partner spends their first over-night with a new love interest?”
3. Open: An Uncensored Memoir of Love, Liberation, and Non-Monogamy by Rachel Krantz
When practiced irresponsibly, polyamorous and open relationships can sometimes be subtly exploitative and insidiously unethical. However, because non-monogamy is still misunderstood and marginalized, many non-monogamous authors steer clear of depicting the potentially darker underbelly of these sort of relationship dynamics. Not Rachel Krantz. In her debut Memoir, Open, she shows just how messy and potentially-dangerous a non-monogamous relationship with the wrong person can be, especially when they’re a master manipulator. This is one of my favorite books on non-monogamy that really illustrates what not to tolerate when practicing.
4. The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy by Lola Phoenix
“This book is a refreshingly honest primer on the realities of non-monogamy, how it interacts with mental health, and the things you have to confront within yourself (and life in general) if you are to practice it sustainably,” says polyamory educator Leanne Yau.
5. Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristian Taromino
“This book offers a bold new strategy for creating loving, lasting relationships,” says psychotherapist and sex therapist Lee Phillips, EdD, LCSW. “Drawing on in-depth interviews with over a hundred women and men, Taromino explores the real-life benefits and challenges of all styles of open relationships, from partnered non-monogamy to solo polyamory. Taormino offers solutions for making an open relationship work, including tips on dealing with jealousy, negotiating boundaries, finding community, parenting, and time management.”
6. Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy by Jessica Fern
“Jessica Fern dives head-first into the trauma pool, taking you on a deep dive into how and why you react to certain relationships differently,” Kort says. “She explains the basis of attachment theory, making it very clear to comprehend and easily applicable to any type of relationship. Focusing on attachment styles from the polyamorous/consensually non-monogamous perspective, she helps people understand their shifting actions and reactions in each relationship and gives insight to assist in understanding yourself in them.”
7. Polywise: A Deeper Dive into Navigating Open Relationships by Jessica Fern
“A follow-up to the book Polysecure, Fern’s newer book takes readers into a deeper understanding of the common struggles partners have in open and polyamorous relationships,” Balestrieri says. “Common themes like addressing codependency and repairing after relational ruptures are explored, giving partners pragmatic and realistic strategies to maintain their connection.”
8. The Polyamorists Next Door: Inside Multiple-Partner Relationships and Families by Elisabeth Sheff
The Polyamorists Next Door consists of the observations and experiences of Sheff’s 15-year personal study of multiple-partner families and societal influences on the consensual non-monogamous life experience. “This is not a how-to book but a look at the rewards, challenges, and opportunities of being in a multiple-partner relationship from a sociological perspective,” Kort says. “How social ideas of gender, heteronormativity, finances, raising children, and sex negativity influence the everyday lives of multiple partner relationships and what these families have done to counteract stigma and to address the complexities of creating a harmonious blended family.”
This is a great resource to lend you perspectives about what kind of relationships you can negotiate, and things to consider when entering into your own consensually non-monogamous relationships.
9. Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto by Zachary Zane
I promise I’m not just recommending my own book because it’s mine—it’s also extremely relevant. In Boyslut, a book about how to overcome sexual shame, I dedicate multiple chapters to the challenges and tribulations I experienced while living with my boyfriend, my boyfriend’s wife, and her girlfriend. Written through my lens as a bisexual man, I illustrate how my bisexuality intersects with non-monogamy. More specifically, how affirming non-monogamy is to my bisexuality—and how I wouldn’t ever feel fully complete or satisfied dating one person of one gender.
Podcasts About Ethical Non-Monogamy
1. Ready for Polyamory
“This show is just for anyone learning about or refining their approach to polyamory and non-monogamy,” Balestrieri says. “The host brings empathy and expertise to each episode and constructs thoughtful, inclusive conversations to address the relational, emotional, and practical complexities multiple-partner relationships face.”
2. Multiamory
Multiamory has been around for over a decade, hosted by three poly friends and non-monogamy educators. According to Phillips, they offer support and advice for modern relationships, whether you’re monogamous, polyamorous, swinging, casually dating, or if you do relationships differently. “This podcast sees you,” he says.
3. Savage Lovecast
Dan Savage is an OG sex and relationship columnist with bylines in the New York Times Magazine, GQ, and Rolling Stone, to name a few. He has multiple New York Times bestselling books and is also known for his internationally syndicated sex advice column, “Savage Love.” While his podcast, Savage Lovecast, tackles all things sex and relationships, Savage frequently answers questions from listeners struggling and seeking guidance on their non-monogamy journeys.
4. Polycurious
What I really like about Polycurious is that the host, Fernanda, acknowledges that polyamory simply isn’t for everyone, instead of shaming monogamous folks or insinuating they aren’t ready for polyamory. Fernanda’s approach is softer—she often interviews folks who’ve tried non-monogamy and realized it wasn’t for them, which I think is a crucial perspective for people curious about polyamory.
5. I Could Never...
Genevieve King from @chillpolyamory hosts I Could Never…with her partner Ishik, where they interview experts, unpack listener questions, and explore the nuances around polyamory and everyday life.
Social Media Accounts About and Experts on Polyamory
1. OPEN (Organization for Polyamory and Ethical Non-Monogamy)
“OPEN (Organization for Polyamory and Ethical Non-monogamy) is a nonprofit organization that advocates for multi-partner relationships and families,” Balestrieri says. “Reducing stigma and shepherding forward rights, this organization tackles mononormativity and the stigma that polyamorous folks often face.”
2. Evita Lavitaloca Sawyers
“Evita is a Black queer polyamorist whose work I feel is highly underrated,” Yau says. “Her ‘Today’s Polyamory Reminder’ series contains honest and vulnerable hard truths and lessons from her own journey, which many who are practicing non-monogamy will find intensely confronting yet relatable.”
3. AnnieUndone
Yau also recommends @annie_undone, “whose account covers many difficult topics that aren’t typically explored in most polyamorous circles, including divorce, abuse, trauma, and ambiamory.”
4. Polyphilia
This account is run by Yau, who’s quoted in this piece as an expert. (She’s that good!) Posting daily, Yau uses her personal experience of being polyamorous to tackle a wide range of poly topics. She dispels stereotypes about polyamory, calls out both poly and monogamous people when warranted, and provides actionable advice for dealing with jealousy, communication, and shame.
5. Chill Polyamory
What I love about @chillpolyamory most is Genevieve’s ability to break down challenging poly concepts in a digestible and relatable way. I follow other accounts that get very academic or use a lot of language that, unless you took a Queer Theory course in college, are hard to understand. That’s definitely not @chillpolyamory! All of her posts feel very easy to follow and accessible—we love to see it.
