Movies and TV shows tend to give viewers a skewed perception of what it’s really like to be a sex worker. Most dancers aren’t getting whisked away to Las Vegas like Ani in Anora, falling head over heels in love like Satine in Moulin Rouge! or getting booked for the week and going on shopping sprees like Vivian in Pretty Woman. Dominatrixes, specifically, are even more misunderstood. You might easily envision a sex dungeon full of women in head-to-toe leather, getting paid in the thousands to tie up and flog rich dudes in suits, but that’s not always the case IRL. The concept of an actual sex dungeon might be similar, but being a dominatrix has some serious pros and cons.
Trust, it’s not all whips, chains, and big money. There are days when a professional dom might not make any money at all, and for many, working conditions can be less than ideal. Not to mention, the job can be incredibly draining—physically, mentally, and emotionally. But with a loyal client base and a supportive environment, dominatrixes can make a killing and learn a ton in the process.
Ultimately, there is no one-size-fits-all template to what being a dominatrix looks like. That’s why we spoke with Holland Jones, a real life dom based in Los Angeles, for an actual look behind the curtain of what it’s like to specialize in this particular type of sex work. Here’s what she had to say.
1. You can't become a dominatrix without learning how to be a submissive first.
Most reputable dungeons won't allow you to walk in off the street and start working immediately as a dominatrix if you don't have any prior experience. If you're brand new, you'll probably start off as a submissive and work your way up. Starting as a sub is a lot like starting as a hostess at a restaurant: It might not be what you ultimately want to do, but you still learn a lot. In this case, it's what to do and what not to do from your clients who dominate you. Then you'll have the option to train with more experienced players and go on to be a switch or a dom.
2. Your clients are going to want to do far more intense things than just regular BDSM.
While most of our clients want pretty straightforward whips and chains BDSM play, there are also a lot of other fetishes we cater to (and yes, it does get intense). You'll get requests for everything from foot worship and tickling, to verbal humiliation, cross-dressing, and things you've probably never even heard of. As long as what they want fits within house rules and is legal, we'll do it. I've had clients who wanted to be trained like dogs, dressed up like schoolgirls, or spend hours massaging my feet. Truly, nothing surprises me anymore.
3. Making sure you're not blurring the lines between sex and BDSM play is sometimes really difficult.
Not because you can't resist, but because the line between pain and pleasure (namely, too much pleasure) can get blurry. For example, I often torture a client's genitals as part of a scene, but I never manipulate them to orgasm. Keeping that line is really important for several reasons. First of all, in cities outside certain parts of Nevada, offering sexual services in exchange for money is illegal. Second, no dungeon wants to become a place where people come in saying they want cock and ball torture, but really just want hand jobs (though the idea of "cock and ball torture" usually scares those people away).
4. Being a dominatrix requires a ton of technical skill and in-depth training.
Knowing how to safely restrain people and cause them pain without injuring them isn't something you can just show up and figure out as you go. Obviously, we don't want our clients to get any kind of permanent injuries, so there are a lot of tricks and techniques that you need to learn to be really good at this job. For example, most people don't instinctively know how to safely suspend someone from the ceiling with ropes, or how to aim a flogger, or how long you can reasonably keep someone stretched out on a rack while tickling them before you cause shoulder damage. That's why you're trained first. The amount of time you'll spend training largely depends on how much experience you have when you come in, but in general, you'll train as a sub anywhere from a few months to over a year. There isn't really a formalized training process, but you are encouraged to learn from the people who've been there longer, and you need to eventually prove that you have the necessary skills to be a dominatrix.
5. You need to be emotionally intelligent, because people are usually working through some really intense stuff.
A lot of clients come in to work out their demons in unconventional ways, and it's our job to facilitate that safely. It's not uncommon for someone to ask me to act like an abusive parent, or to act out assault or kidnapping scenes. To be able to do that in a way that doesn't leave them in a dark place takes a high degree of empathy and emotional intelligence. We don't have any formal therapy training, but there are other people in the dungeon who you can talk to about particularly troubling clients. I definitely get creeped out by certain requests, because it's tough to know if the client is working out their inner demons or if it's something more insidious. Thankfully, we do always have the ability to call off a session if it gets too emotionally intense for us.
6. Some clients might just want you to talk to them like a therapist.
I also spend plenty of time just talking to clients about things that are bothering them. You wear a lot of hats at this job. Fortunately, I've never had a client tell me anything that made me feel like they were a danger to themselves or others. If a client did say something that made me think they might harm themselves or others, I'd probably tell the woman who owns the dungeon and let her handle it.
7. You basically have to be a Meryl Streep-level actress.
When I started working at the dungeon, I realized I basically had to become an improv actress because I was getting so many requests to be prom queens, actual queens, naughty schoolgirls, Southern belles, angry bosses, sorority girls, and anything in between. There are lots of days when I wish casting agents could watch my sessions because I've gotten really good. Plus, if you're not good at the type of character you're asked to do, the client will either complain, or more likely just won't ever book you again.
8. At a certain point, even the most intense scenario won't shock you anymore (and you might even start to like it).
At this point, if a client came in and wanted me to put him over my knee and spank him while listening to "Like a Prayer" on repeat as I make fun of his ankles, I'd be like, "Okay." It only took working at the dungeon for about six months to get to a point where zero fetishes or fantasies made me feel uncomfortable. And if anything, I've started having a lot of fun playing out scenes that otherwise would be way too intense to ask someone I'm dating to do with me.
9. You'll make a lot of money, but it won't be consistent at all.
Most dominatrixes charge upward of $200 per hour for their services, so on a good day (with big tippers), you could make thousands of dollars. Lots of people hear that and think I'm flying around in a private jet all the time, and boy, do I wish that were the truth. The reality is, I could just as easily sit around all day at the dungeon and make zero dollars if I don't have any clients come in, and those days happen often. Plus, like other independent contractors, we don't have any benefits or sick days, so if you can't work, you lose that money. Period.
10. It is not easy to torture someone's cock and balls.
Before I started working at the dungeon, I knew nothing about cock and ball torture, but people will pay hundreds of dollars to get their balls crushed. Let me tell you, balls are not as delicate as you'd think. They do have their weak spots, obviously, and everyone has a different pain tolerance and preference. I won't go into graphic details, but yes, I know how to use ball stretchers, crushers, and clamps to inflict the right amount of pain. The techniques themselves are pretty simple, but you have to be super careful with each client because you literally have their balls in your hands. If you do something wrong, it is possible to cause a lot of damage, so attention to detail is crucial.
11. Telling someone you're dating that this is your job can make things crazy awkward.
At this point, I always tell anyone I go on even one date with what I do for a living as soon as possible, because it's super awkward to bring it up later. Plus, I'd rather not waste my time with someone who isn't cool with what I do. When I do tell people, I usually get one of two responses: Either the guy or girl gets scared and thinks I'm nuts, or they think I'm a fun, sexy novelty who will do crazy things in bed. Admittedly, I am very kinky in my personal life, but I don't like to be treated like a novelty or a toy. If someone is curious about or into kink, I'm usually game. But, if someone just wants to tell the story of the hot sex they had with the kinky girl, and doesn't really like or respect me, I'm not into it. It's rare that I find someone who actually views me as a multifaceted human being who isn't defined by this type of work. It can be really hard to deal with. Similarly…
12. Your friends won't always react well when you tell them what you do, but the ones who do will be your friends for life.
I cannot tell you how many times I've had to explain that I'm neither a stripper nor a prostitute, not that there's anything wrong with either of those professions. In general, I avoid telling anyone in my social circle what I do for a living, because often, the dudes I tell start mercilessly hitting on me, and the girls judge me. There are some awesome people out there, however, who find my job interesting and respect me as they would anyone else. Those are my real friends.
Holland Jones is a dominatrix based in Los Angeles, California.
