I was 26 years old the first time I saw my own vulva. At the time, I never could have imagined that I’d one day love showing off my spread pussy for my partners, let alone advise you to do the same. But the reasons why are all hot, wet, powerful, and backed by the ancients, so hear me out, and you too may want your partner(s) to take a good, long, look at your vulva, all perfectly-imperfect sight, smell, and sound of it.

enthusiastic endorsement cosmo

Growing up in the ‘90s, I absorbed the sometimes-subtle-but-usually-downright-aggressive patriarchal media messaging that everything about my vagina was “dirty.” From the constant commercials selling douche products promising to make me “fresher,” to the pressure to rip out every single pubic hair so I could look like the models on magazine covers. Outside of the iconic Basic Instinct spread, TV and movies largely reinforced worshiping penis (see: American Pie) and shaming pussy (see: also American Pie). At best, vulvas are left completely out of the narrative, and at worst, they’re villainized.

I didn’t get sex education at school or at home, much less any sort of information on pleasure, so I grew up convinced my vulva was nothing more than a nuisance. Why bother even looking at the thing causing me such strife and worry, much less let anyone else see it? Everyone seemed to fear it, judge it, and want it in a confusing mix of ways, so I lived scared of my own anatomy. And I wasn’t alone.

“To those of us growing up in our patriarchal culture, pussies themselves are terrifying,” writes Regena Thomashauer, in her book Pussy: A Reclamation, in which she validates the very-real reasons we’ve learned to take on shame between our thighs, and teaches practices to eradicate it. “They are desired and defiled in equal measure.”

Staying hidden for years, I silently judged myself in locker rooms, seeing other vulva owners that must have had it right where I was wrong (because anything other than my vulva was “right”—Summer’s Eve told me so!). I lived with this mindset until I found Thomashauer’s Pussy a few years after college, and it changed everything for me. It challenged me to take a handheld mirror and look at—and actually talk aloud to—my pussy, every morning for months. According to Thomashaur, this practice could help me more deeply connect to my intuition and heal my genital shame. (And, you guys, I swear when I asked my pussy questions, she answered back!) Eventually, when I accepted my “too big” clit and “super strange” labia enough to appreciate—and even love—my vulva, I took Thomashauer’s next challenge and started showing off, spreading wide for my partners to see. (Consensually, of course.)

I was 27 the first time I flashed my pussy to a partner, and he fell over in amazement.

What fresh heaven is this? I thought, looking at him looking at me as if I owned the universe—as if he would do anything I told him to in that moment. He wasn’t critical, he was mesmerized by the sight of me spreading. Was I not actually a gnarled, smelly ogre below deck? Was porn “perfection” all a hoax? Was I possibly
good enough to be seen?! I knew I was on to something, and turns out, that something’s not new.

Millenia (not just centuries) of human civilizations have praised, worshiped, and revered the powerhouse that is the pussy, advocating for spreading wide and showing it off. “The concept of ‘Yoni gazing’ for spiritual realization can be found in both Tibetan and Indian Tantric traditions,” explains Devi Ward Erickson, founder of The Institute of Authentic Tantra Education (IATE). “In Indian Tantra, ‘Yoni gazing’ is part of a longer tantric ritual called a ‘Yoni Puja’, a ritualized practice for honoring and celebrating the female genitals as givers of life and portals of divine wisdom.”

In these rituals, practitioners make wishes to either a symbolic Yoni (think: a sculpture, painting) or a real vulva–pouring yogurt, honey, milk, water, and edible oil over the Yoni and collecting it in a bowl below, which they then drink, embodying the power believed to be possessed by each Yoni. Umm, that sounds more like the respect and adoration vulvas deserve to me!

Erickson says that in modern times, “Yoni gazing can be a powerful tool for personal healing and transforming the shame of negative messaging about our genitals.” She’s right. In the seven years since flashing my flower for the first time, I’ve experienced a total pussy enlightenment. I’ve grown wiser, and also literally feel lighter every time I do it. (I guess shame really weighs ya down.) But when I’m vulnerably (and, again, consensually!) spreading to respectful partners, being witnessed in my wetness, I feel safe and seen
and, excuse me, but is there anything hotter than that?!

“For vulva-owners, feeling safe enough in your body to spread eagle in front of your partner is hugely liberating—sometimes even a signpost of healing from trauma while reclaiming sexual power and sovereignty,” says Erickson. “Feeling liberated from shame and empowered in our bodies is 100 percent going to lead to more sexual sensation, more pleasure, and increased sexual satisfaction.”

And while there’s certainly no partner required to learn to love (and harness the potential of) your vulva, Erickson says that having one be able to witness you can be extremely healing, and that the experience can “profoundly deepen” your intimate connection.

But is this practice of showing off actually meaningful? According to Dr. Chris Erickson, Senior Educational Administrator of IATE (and also partner to Devi), “vulva gazing is not a lurid, pornographic display, but rather an opportunity to share how much you appreciate and value your partner.” He explains it as an “opportunity to relax into greater vulnerability, counteracting the tendency to tense up or become guarded when exposed.” Devi adds that the practice of Yoni gazing (over time, with patience and understanding), “can help heal shame, cultivating love and appreciation for your beautiful, precious body, while improving self-esteem and leading to healthier, more fulfilling sex and relationships.”

It’s a yes for me.

And if you think all this sounds like a stretch, you might stand to gain more than you think. Because when you can reach a level of self-acceptance so great that you’re comfortable showing your most intimate parts to a partner (and yourself!), that’s self-love nirvana, baby. That’s magic you’re literally sitting on. So, I dare you to spread your lips wide, gaze deep, and invite your partner to do the same.

And, um, if anyone else hears their pussy answer back when they ask questions
please HMU. I have some questions.