If you want to get your MBA in life skills, negotiation, and sexual empowerment, become a whore.
Okay, so that’s not exactly why I decided to work in a regulated Nevada brothel for the past three years (living out my high-end call girl fantasy was what really drew me in), but it sure as shit has been a positive side effect of the gig. I learned more about my sexual health and well-being in my first two weeks in the bordello than I did in all four years of college. And I have to say, making six figures is so much more fun than accruing student loan debt. But by far and away, the top tip I’ve taken with me outside the red light district is one you probably wouldn’t expect, and it has to do with…*drumroll, please*...female condoms. Let me explain.
For those of you who are reading this like “WTF is she even talking about?” that’s probably because female condoms haven’t gotten nearly the same medical research spotlight, shelf space, or overall attention that regular condoms have. (Ya know, classic patriarchal BS.) According to the Mayo Clinic: “A female (or internal) condom is a soft, loose-fitting pouch that’s inserted into the vagina before sex to prevent pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections.” Think of it like a bigger and exact reverse of the regular condoms you’re used to.
My courtesan coworker Venus* first showed me the FC2 packet—the only FDA-approved brand of internal condoms in America—and gave me a few to try. It was about the size of an oracle card, individually wrapped in pink and purple packaging, the colors of which reminded me of the Easy Bake Oven I had growing up. (As it turns out, the female condom would soon prevent me from easily baking a bun in my oven.)
Venus sang the FC2’s praises and showed me how easy it is to get them through their site (or at a pharmacy with a doctor’s script). Maybe not as easy as popping into a CVS or Target like regular condoms (sigh), but with a little planning, you could have a stash of these bad boys on hand for $0, depending on your health insurance (they’re $2 to $3 a pop if you have to pay cash). My mind was blown. I immediately saw the potential superpower of these, dare I say, feminist devices. They could essentially be stealth-proof—as in, no sneaky condom removal while fucking me here! Finally, a way to take the power of protection into my own hands...er, walls. I couldn’t wait to try them out.
My very next appointment, which happened to be a Nuru massage and happy ending (do yourself a favor and google what I’m talking about in a private tab—NSFW, ofc), I dove into my protective pouch experiment, inserting the polyurethane inner ring up into my pussy and letting the nitrile sheath and outer ring hang out about an inch (per the user instructions). I’ve seen a lot of women complain about this step (and about female condoms in general), but if you’ve ever used a Diva Cup or Cora Disc for your period, it’s just as easy (IMO). (Pro Ho tip: Use a dildo to help you place the female condom inside and you’re even more prepared for penetration.) I’ve also heard of men being shocked by the look of these powerhouses, but in my experience, dudes have not cared one bit—they vibe off my confidence in wearing the FC2 and are usually just grateful they get to fuck me without a raincoat on themselves.
And voilà! Just like that, my client and I had a barrier birth control method and protection against HIV and STIs that’s reported to be as effective as regular condoms. Depending on your anatomy, female condoms might even be able to provide extra STI protection if the outer ring can cover the whole vulva, creating an additional skin-to-skin barrier not present with regular condoms. Bonus points!
So there I was, poised and protected, rubbing warm Japanese seaweed gel over my client’s back using only my tits (ya know, your average Tuesday at work), when he turned over and—oh no!—his tent was not pitched. (It may surprise you, but sex workers experience a lot of softies from nervous newbie clients.) No matter! The female condom in all its glory does not require an erection to function. Your guy could be soft as a wet noodle and still get it on—in fact, that’s exactly what my client and I did next. And wouldn’t you know it, without the anxiety-provoking pressure to be pumped up and hard in order to roll a male condom on, my guy naturally rose to the occasion after a few gentle thrusts of his semi inside me.
Now listen, I’m a realist. I’m aware that even with perfect use, internal condoms are “only” 95 percent effective at preventing pregnancy (as compared to external condom’s 98 percent). But Planned Parenthood says internal condoms “provide pretty much the same great protection from pregnancy and STDs” as regular ones do. If you don’t use female condoms perfectly every time, you may be looking at about 79 percent anti-preggo prowess, but it’s worth noting: The ways you can “mess up” with internal condoms are the same ways you can oopsie-daisy with typical ones—a tear or rip and improper placement being the most common fails. However, nitrile is stronger than latex, so FC2 is less likely to tear—just sayin’.
Even from my very first use, I was sold on the myriad advantages of internal condoms. Not only are they latex-free and hypoallergenic, which is great for my super-sensitive pussy, but they’re also pre-lubricated with silicone. Still, as a goddess, I always encourage adding lube, lube, and more lube, and luckily, FC2 pairs safely with any kind: water-, mineral (oil)- or silicon-based (unlike regular latex condoms, which aren’t compatible with oil-based lubes). Another thing I love is that you can insert the internal condom up to eight hours before intercourse—meaning zero interruptions when you’re ready for action. In other words: You can have your movie moment and go straight from making out to fucking. Yes, please.
As I rode on top of my lucky, now-hard client, I almost forgot I had the FC2 in—probs because it warms to the body and essentially molds itself to the vaginal walls. I also practically forgot I was on the rag because female condoms are fabulous for less-mess period sex. That’s actually what prompted Venus to teach me about them in the first place! I’d had a string of “bad” luck where every time I was scheduled to work at the brothel my bleed decided to join in. And since the old cosmetic sponge hack has a high risk of TSS, I was so relieved to find that internal condoms held my flow inside quite nicely, making my (and the brothel maid’s) job way easier.
But what about the girthy-cocked men or the guys who complain about wearing a condom? Ditch ’em! Just kidding, although I must ask: Do you really want to give your amazing sexual energy to anyone who protests protection? The girthy guys can obviously stay—and they’ll be so happy with how breathable and free their cock feels now that you’re wearing the barrier that otherwise “suffocated” their manhood.
Sure, it can take a minute to get used to the insertion, but once you begin penetration, the slack of the female condom evens out and you’re left with another happy side-effect: The outer ring can rub against your clit and provide extra stimulation! (In some cases, the inner ring has been reported to provide extra stim to your guy too—you’re welcome.)
And as if the benefits aren’t already screamingly obvious, I have to bring it back to my absolute favorite thing about female condoms: They make me feel powerful as fuck. I don’t fear getting stealthed when my protection is practically built-in(side) me. So whether a guy balks at wearing his own (barf) or I’ve decided I want uninterrupted foreplay into play-play (yum), with an internal condom already in place, I can rest fuck easy knowing I’m safe and good to go.
The Nuru massage I gave my client that day concluded with the happiest of endings. I twisted the external ring of my bad-ass condom, pulled it out and saw all my “winnings” safe inside. I sent him on his way—floating, relaxed, and so pleased that he didn’t have to don a damn thing on that dick in order to be with me. And that, my friends, is a bump-set-spike for female condoms. Go get you some and see for yourself!
PS: They also work for anal!!
*Name has been changed.
