What if asking someone 36 seemingly random (but actually not) questions could make them fall in love with you? That’s the idea behind the 36 Questions to Fall in Love, a social experiment designed by researchers to explore intimacy and emotional connection. The way it works is simple: Two people (strangers, friends, long-term partners—whoever!) take turns answering a set of 36 increasingly personal questions. Then, to really seal the deal, they finish by holding four minutes of uninterrupted eye contact (cue the romantic comedy montage, pls).

From fun icebreakers like “Who would be your dream dinner guest?” to deeper questions about childhood, fears, and even mortality, this viral experiment is designed to create a unique kind of intimacy—one that fast-tracks emotional vulnerability in a way that typical first date small talk never could. But can these 36 questions actually make someone fall in love?

According to relationship therapists, self-disclosure is a major key to building emotional intimacy—whether you’re on a first date or looking to reconnect with a long-term partner. “We feel closer to people when we experience their vulnerability, especially when we are first connecting and getting to know each other,” says Los Angeles-based sex and relationships expert Karen Stewart, PsyD, who has seen couples develop deeper bonds through asking each other questions.

What Are the 36 Questions to Fall In Love?

The 36 questions were first developed by husband and wife duo Arthur Aron, PhD and Elaine Aron, PhD—two psychologists who’ve spent decades researching relationships and “highly sensitive” people, respectively. Although the 36 questions were created in the 1990s, the list went viral in 2015 thanks to an essay by Mandy Len Catron published in the New York Times Modern Love column. She wrote about her experience answering the 36 questions with an acquaintance, and apparently, the two successfully fell in love not long after.

The list of questions is divided into three sets with 12 questions each, and it takes about 45 minutes to get through (depending on how in-depth your answers are). The topics and themes vary, but overall, the set is designed to help you get to know each other. Fair warning: Things may get ~personal.~

Are the 36 Questions to Fall In Love Legit?

In the original 1997 study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, pairs of participants (who didn’t know each other beforehand) were instructed to take turns answering the 36 questions, followed by four minutes of sustained eye contact. It turned out that completing the questions did help participants feel closer to each other—and strikingly, two people involved in the study ended up getting married just six (!!) months later.

Elaine Aron previously wrote in The Huffington Post that, contrary to popular belief, she and her husband didn’t originally create the 36 questions to help people fall in love—rather, the experiment was designed to explore “love’s underlying mechanisms” and human closeness overall. So, although the exercise can be used for love, it may be a better tool for enhancing intimacy in general. Elaine said you can even use the questions to form friendships!

Since the initial study, the questions have been adapted and researched in a variety of ways. For example, in a 2010 study, pairs of married couples who didn’t know each other completed the list as a four-person task. Ultimately, participants grew closer to the other couples they interacted with (and were more likely to hang out together IRL the following month!).

The 36 questions have also been used in research studies on culture, gender, and identity. In a 2015 study, heterosexual students completed the 36 questions task and reported increased closeness and friendliness with participants who disclosed their queer identities during the activity. In a 2018 study, undergraduate first-year students in Germany who completed the 36 questions virtually with a partner reported feeling more socially-integrated at school. The exercise has also been used to study cross-cultural friendships and bias and prejudice. Although more research is needed, these studies show that the 36 questions may help increase understanding and connection between individuals who have different backgrounds and identities. We love to see it!

Can I *Really* Fall In Love with Just 36 Questions?

Let’s face it: Love is complicated. As much as we appreciate a good couples game, there’s *way* more to authentic love and intimacy than completing a list of questions in 45 minutes. Remember: Because the 36 questions were designed to increase closeness, you aren’t guaranteed to fall head-over-heels for someone right away. But even so, some experts believe the task can still be a helpful tool for romantic love.

“The reason the questions work is that they stair-step into vulnerability by asking about topics that are particularly meaningful,” says sex and couples therapist Sara Sloan, LMFT, CST, owner of Austin Concierge Therapy. “By discussing topics that are both vulnerable and meaningful, this helps create a ‘knowing’ and a level of safety in the relationship. Being seen and heard is what allows us to feel safe and understood, which is a prerequisite for passion and love.”

According to Sloan, the list is also helpful for established couples as well. “While the initial study did result in marriage for some of the participants, I have found the questions to be far more helpful in reconnecting couples who have been together for many years,” she says. The questions can reignite passion, reestablish safety, and increase understanding between partners, Sloan adds, and it can even help spice up your sex life.

Other experts believe that the questions are only helpful when the participants have things in common and similar intentions for finding love. “Asking these questions can help someone fall in love with their partner if the person sees mutual interest, connection, and compatibility through their responses,” Stewart explains. “In romantic relationships, we are seeking our ‘other half,’ and when we hear that person sharing our dreams, interests, and likes, this can be the beginning of the glue that bonds [us] together.”

Naturally, I had to put these Qs to the test myself. After well over five years of marriage, could these 36 questions make me feel even closer to my husband? Or are they better suited for a rom-com-worthy meet-cute with a stranger? I gave them a shot to find out—and here’s what happened.

Testing the 36 Questions Myself

I went into this experiment with a mix of excitement and skepticism. My husband and I have been together since college (which was close to a decade ago, whoops), so I wasn’t expecting any shocking revelations—but I was curious if these questions could bring out new layers of connection or nostalgia. Spoiler: They did.

At first, it simply felt like a game. Some of the early questions were light and easy, making us laugh and reminisce about our first dates and flirty situationship stage. But as we got into the deeper ones (like sharing a personal dream or talking about a difficult moment in our lives), the tone shifted in a way I wasn’t expecting. We started opening up in ways we hadn’t in a long time. Not because we avoided deep conversations before, but because life gets busy—and sometimes, you just don't think to ask these kinds of questions.

One question that really hit us was, “What is your most treasured memory?” I assumed we’d each pick something obvious, like when we got married (ahem: perhaps me in my wedding dress???), or when we had our son. But instead, we surprised each other with unexpected moments—random little things that meant more than we realized at the time. It was a reminder that love isn’t just about big milestones; it’s built in the tiny, everyday moments, too.

By the end, I wouldn’t say we ~fell in love~ all over again (because, hello, we were already there), but I *would* say it made us feel more connected. It was like taking a nostalgic walk down memory lane while also learning new things about each other—yes, even after over a decade of togetherness. And the eye contact at the end? Super weird at first, but it quickly shifted into one of the most intimate things I’ve ever done (and yes, this is coming from someone who literally tests sex toys for a living).

So, the verdict? If you’re looking for a fun and meaningful way to deepen a connection, whether with a new partner or a long-time love, these 36 questions are absolutely worth trying. 10/10.

How to Test the 36 Questions

Whether you want to boost intimacy on a first date or get closer to your long-term partner, the 36 questions can help. If you’re meeting someone for the first time, try pulling the questions up on your phone, then take turns listening to each other’s responses. You may want to set a timer for roughly 45 minutes (or just let the conversation flow naturally), but you’ll definitely want to set one for the four minutes of eye contact at the end. (Yes, it may be weird at first with someone new—but they say the eyes are the window to the soul, right?)

If you’re answering the questions with your partner, you can approach it pretty much the same way, or create your own questions. In 2015, Elaine wrote in The Huffington Post, “Whatever questions you use, they should gradually escalate in personal-ness.” In other words: Maybe don’t start with the most serious one! And if you use this approach with more than one person—or more than once with your partner—you may need to make up new questions so your answers don’t become too repetitive, she said.

Stewart, who has used the 36 questions in her work as a couples therapist, has seen increased intimacy in couples who’ve done this. “One of my favorite exercises is to ask couples to create a list of questions in their private time and answer the questions themselves, but not yet to their partner,” Stewart explains. “Then, I ask them to bring [the list] to our therapy session where they ask their partners the questions and we can process their responses together.” This can help you explore intimacy in a safe way, Stewart says—and answering the questions on your own first ensures that you’re responding authentically.

Devante, 30, says that using the 36 questions with a former partner was an eye-opening experience. “My ex and I asked these questions early on in our relationship. It was a cute bonding experience
and I did learn some stuff about him that was a red flag, which [at the time], I chose to ignore,” they said.

Although the relationship didn’t work out, Devante feels the questions can still be helpful for establishing a connection. “I think they are a cute way of getting to know someone, and if [the questions] are known to help people fall in love, it adds a little extra spice to the process of answering them.”

JosĂ©, 28, used the 36 questions with a new friend group just after graduating from college. “I had very minimal interactions with these people beforehand, and after several hours of working through the questions, I immediately felt bonded—particularly with two people,” they said. According to JosĂ©, these friendships have remained strong over time. “I recently reconnected with one of them after four years of not seeing each other, and we picked up like no time had gone by. We both remarked how our friendship was ‘for life’—and I would never have gotten to know her had it not been for these questions bringing us together.”

Whether you use the 36 questions with a potential love interest or new BFF, take a deep breath and know that sometimes, being vulnerable—although scary!—is worth it. Worst case scenario, you reflect on yourself while learning about someone else, and best case? You meet the love of your life. Seems like a win-win.

Set I

  1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
  2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
  3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
  4. What would constitute a "perfect" day for you?
  5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
  6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
  7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
  8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
  9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
  10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
  11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
  12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set II

  1. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
  2. Is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?
  3. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
  4. What do you value most in a friendship?
  5. What is your most treasured memory?
  6. What is your most terrible memory?
  7. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
  8. What does friendship mean to you?
  9. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
  10. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
  11. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?
  12. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?


Set III

  1. Make three true "we" statements each. For instance, "We are both in this room feeling..."
  2. Complete this sentence: "I wish I had someone with whom I could share..."
  3. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
  4. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you've just met.
  5. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
  6. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
  7. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
  8. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
  9. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?
  10. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
  11. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
  12. Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.