When you think kink, you may think whips and chains and all the other things that famously excite Rihanna. But kink, at its core, is about exploring a variety of ways to have, well, the hottest sex of your life—many of which may have nothing at all to do with whatever Fifty Shades-esque fantasies we all internalized back in the 2010s. That’s not to say that whips and chains are off the table—because they’re definitely not! But kink includes an entire spectrum of sexual acts related to BDSM (bondage, discipline, dominance and submission, and sadomasochism) that can take all kinds of different forms.
So what exactly makes sex kinky, especially given that there’s so much variety? What separates “kinky” sex from “vanilla” sex?
Well, it’s a tough question, because kink, by (very loose) definition, refers to sexual activity that falls outside the “norm”—and obviously what constitutes quote-unquote normal sex is highly dependent on a wide variety of personal, cultural, and other factors.
AASECT certified sex therapist Alexandria Saunders, PhD, LCPC, says that kink and vanilla sex are extremely subjective experiences—one person’s kinky is another’s baseline—but there are common aspects people typically associate with each.
“Vanilla sex is what most people would consider more ‘traditional’ sex. It’s often thought of as the conventional missionary position, or very slow and gentle,” says Saunders. “Kinky sex allows space to bend our sexual behaviors and permits us to explore pleasure (or pain) outside of our comfort zone.”
But even if we understand those loose definitions, everyone’s sexual experiences vary, so there's really no one, hard line drawn between kink and not-kink. “There is a lot of grey area flowing between kinky and vanilla because sex is personal,” says Saunders.
For some, yes, kinky sex can involve the whole, being-tied-to-a-St. Andrew’s-cross-and-whipped-with-a-suede-flogger thing (total stereotypes, BTW), but kink can also include sex that is less extreme—like biting your partner's ear and neck during foreplay.
“With no clear defining line drawn between [kink and vanilla], it might get confusing,” Saunders says. “But if it feels kinky to you, then enjoy the kinkiness of exploring desire and pleasure—and maybe even a little pain—outside of what you would consider conventional.”
Wherever you may fall on the kink spectrum, read on for 25 expert-approved kinky sex ideas guaranteed to sprinkle a little something extra into your sex life. But first! Let’s talk safety and communication.
How should I approach kink with my partner?
As you dive into kinkier sex, make sure you discuss expectations, boundaries, and desires beforehand. Being as specific as possible not only helps ensure that things go smoothly, but it also helps develop a stronger sense of trust as a couple (or polycule, or any other combination of sex partners).
Also, Saunders recommends having a predetermined and agreed-upon safe word. For example, you can determine that the word “yellow” means “slow down” and red means “stop” (aka, the traffic-light system).
Now that we have that covered, onto the fun stuff!
1. Wear a blindfold
You likely have a scarf, tie, or sleep mask in your closet or drawer. If so, use those to your advantage. Limiting sight, one of our main senses, can make the rest of them—sound, smell, taste and touch—even more intense. As sexologist Jess O’Reilly, PhD, a sex and relationships expert for ASTROGLIDE, explains,“This simple sensory deprivation can heighten erotic anticipation, as you keep your lover guessing as to where you will plant your next kiss, lick or spanking.” Especially if you’re a beginner in the world of kink, being blindfolded can also take off pressure to dominate or initiate any sexual acts that may happen during that time. Instead, you can relax as the attention remains on you and your pleasure.
2. Test out different temperatures
Temperature play is one of the most underused sexual tools, despite the fact that we can create heating and cooling sensations without any specialized toys or equipment. (Although specialized toys and equipment—warming or cooling sex toys, body-safe hot wax, etc., can certainly come into play.) O’Reilly suggests awakening a patch of your lover’s most responsive nerve endings by licking a line down their spine and then breathing warm air over that path. “Create a stark contrast by following up with an ice cube applied directly to the skin or used to trickle cold drops down their back as their skin erupts in goosebumps,” she says.
3. Wax play
Hot wax can produce a tsunami of new sensations ranging from soft and warming to jarring and tingling. “Use a melting body candle designed specifically for the skin or purchase non-colored, unscented soy or paraffin candles from a discount store,” O’Reilly says. “Use Q-tips, eye-droppers, brushes, or your fingertips to apply wax to your lover’s lascivious body. avoiding any thin skin, cuts, or membranes.” A few sexy alternatives to wax include warmed-up chocolate, honey, or caramel sauce.
4. Talk dirty
Using your words during, before, and after sex is a steamy way to encourage yourself and your partner to ignite more flame to the passion you’re already experiencing. “Increasing dirty talk can allow you to be more present during sex and allows you to practice vulnerability in your existing sex life,” says Alexa Eason, a Philadelphia-based dominatrix.
And remember, just because it’s dirty talk doesn’t mean that your dialogue has to go from zero to 100 real quick. Similar to how a business deal might begin with a light-hearted exchange about the weather, feel free to start off sex talk with some general observations. For example, you can say something like, “How can I control myself when you look so irresistible in that red dress?”
5. Start spanking
Spanking may seem like a no-brainer when it comes to kink, but there are multiple things to consider. How would you like to be spanked? With a wooden spoon or a silicon paddle? Where would you like to be spanked? How hard and how many times? Eason suggests using a safe word to stop or decrease the impact on joints, neck, spine, and tailbone. “It's best to stick to fleshy areas like the butt and thighs until you're a little more experienced,” she says.
6. Act out a sexual fantasy
There are endless scenarios to act out as a way to have fun and incorporate power dynamics that are prevalent in kinky sex. A lace French maid outfit, a full-body latex suit, fuzzy animal ears, and a furry butt plug to match are just a few of many costumes you might try on if you want to go the extra mile when fulfilling your fantasy.
Jason Steel, an award-winning adult performer based in Berlin, suggests keeping things simple by starting out with a common fantasy. “For example, one person is the teacher and another person is the student. The student forgets his homework and the sexy teacher can punish the student.”
7. Take a shower (yes, a golden one)
If you’ve watched the fourth season of You on Netflix—*ahem* cue the scenes in which Adam (Lukas Gage), an associate of Joe Goldberg’s, gets off by being urinated on by staff members—then you’re already at least somewhat familiar with this kink. Due to the media attention piss play has gotten throughout recent years, it wouldn’t be surprising if you wanted to test the waters (pun intended).
“Peeing can be a part of foreplay, the main act, or even a special sex practice used by dominants, service submissives, and others,” Steel says. If you’ve never been involved in a golden shower, Steel recommends doing so in the (literal) shower for quick clean-up afterward.
If you’re the one doing the peeing, Steel also advises preparing at least 12 hours in advance. Why? Because there’s truth behind the saying “You are what you eat” (and drink). Think about it: Would you rather be peed on by your partner after they drank a gallon of water throughout the day or excessive amounts of coffee or soda? Just saying.
8. Wear a ball gag
People might enjoy having their arms and legs tied up, but a ball gag is another way of tapping into a submissive role. When combined with other physical restraints, the wearing of a gag can increase the wearer’s sense of vulnerability, as they put complete trust in their dominant to take control.
9. Play with a simple restraint
The best part about experimenting with restraint (aka bondage) is that you can easily use daily household items like belts, ties, and scarves. You can also step it up and use rope or fuzzy handcuffs. “It can be as gentle or tight as you both desire,” Saunders says. “Have fun with falling into fully receiving what your partner has to give.” And, if you want, take turns with who assumes the dominant and submissive roles.” (Don’t forget the safe word though!)
10. Use a mirror
A large part of sex is tied to what you’re viewing. There’s a reason why watching your partner's face during their “Big O” can be a huge turn on. Findings from a 2016 study published in Frontiers in Human Neuroscience revealed that visual cues and prompts can increase sexual arousal. And really, what visual cue is better than watching yourself getting freaky in front of a full-body mirror?
11. Visit a sex dungeon
You might envision sex dungeons as a scary, dark basement in the middle of nowhere, but these public play spaces are more warm and inviting than you might think. They’re also a great opportunity to learn about kink before practicing it. Local dungeons typically host social events and consent classes that potential members must attend before hitting up a sex party. And if you want to learn at a slower pace, Eason recommends hiring a professional at your local dungeon—which, yes, is also a thing you can do.
“Professional dommes often have years worth of experience and training and can serve as a wise, kinky guide,” she says. “It's a low-stakes way to get started and can alleviate a lot of pressure to do things the ‘right way,’ which makes more room for just having fun.”
12. Try edging
If you love to tease (or be the one doing the teasing), consider edging. This form of orgasm control is when a person brings their partner to the edge of orgasm, but stops the stimulation, pulls away for a moment, and repeats those steps until finally allowing their partner to come.
“When bringing your partner closer and closer, just tell them, ‘No,’ before they orgasm,” says Kayla Lords, a sex educator at Women’s Health Interactive. “If you do this enough times, by the time they finally get to orgasm, it’s usually explosive.”
13. Force an orgasm
Forced orgasms are like the opposite of edging. With edging, the purpose is to take your time to reach climax. With forced orgasms, the purpose is to reach climax in a quicker and more intense manner (with consent, of course).
“You maintain stimulation past the point of a single orgasm or you use a large amount of intensity to bring on an orgasm very quickly,” says Lords. “If your partner is multi-orgasmic, you might maintain the stimulation past the point of comfort to see how many times they’ll orgasm in a row before needing to stop.”
14. Incorporate punishments
Luckily, you don’t need to be an expert on Shibari rope or flogging to incorporate punishment into sex. “One way is to pin your partner to the bed or tell them not to move while you touch, fondle, and lick their body,” Lords suggests. If they disobey, you can “torture” them with pleasure.
15. Pretend you're strangers
This form of role-play is about as straightforward as it sounds, but there are several factors you can play with. Oyku Saran, CEO and co-founder of Beyond, the first membership app for modern relationships, recommends setting the scene by meeting your partner at a bar and sending them a drink from across the room to initiate a “first” conversation. “It creates banter because of the playfulness of it,” she says. “The build-up of anticipation can be a turn-on, especially if there are other people around you, getting a front-row view of the sexual tension.”
16. Try body worship
Show adoration of your partner by kissing, licking, caressing, and oiling down their body. Not sure how to set the scene? Copy the way a massage therapist puts enough time and attention to each part of the body, but make it more erotic. Start with that, and mix in some kisses and nibbles. You show love to every part of their body one at a time and make them feel amazing in whatever way you can think of. “Body worship gives the receiver power because their partner can kneel before them, kissing their feet or legs,” Saran says.
17. Film yourself getting frisky
Watching yourself in the mirror in real time can be hot, but viewing your own X-rated video and recording yourselves (with consent, of course) gives you the best of both worlds—voyeurism and exhibitionism. Later on, you can watch your video as a substitute for porn when you’re masturbating.
18. Attend a play party
Depending on what you’re interested in doing, play parties can be an excellent way to spend your time as a voyeur, exhibitionist, or both. “For me, the purpose of play parties is to explore (oneself and partnership) and indulge,” Oyku says. “But it's important to note the pre-work that goes into attending a play party for the first time.” Oyku recommends couples already build a strong foundation of trust and discuss their desires and boundaries ahead of time. “The more security there is, the more each partner can venture without shaking the foundation. Once there, it can be really transformative for your relationship and act as a bonding experience,” she says.
However, if you aren’t keen on going out with a bang (pun intended, again), then don’t worry! Play parties are a great way to meet new kinksters and socialize without any intention of escalating things further.
19. Sit back and watch
Let your voyeurism kink run wild by performing a sexy striptease, letting your partner watch you pleasure yourself, or letting your partner objectify you as you take a shower.
20. Indulge in praise kink
Pleasure goes beyond the sensations you feel on your skin. Pleasure can be felt deep within your soul without being touched at all. In both a sexual and non-sexual context, hearing words of affirmation from your significant other can do wonders for your self-esteem. Examples of a praise kink can go from, “Good girl (or boy)” to, “Your mouth is made for me.”
21. Anal play with a spicy twist
Of all the foods you’d think of using for Dom/sub play, ginger might not immediately come to mind. Enter: Figging, which, as kink instructor and sex educator Julieta Chiara previously told Cosmo, “is a sexual activity that involves putting ginger root in the anus (or vagina) to create a deliberate and intense burning sensation.”
Impact play in particular (spanking, caning, flogging, cropping, etc.) can complement figging. The smacks cause the submissive to clench their butt cheeks, heightening the tingling sensation from the ginger. Keep in mind that this practice is NOT for beginners. Ideally, you should already be completely comfortable with anal play and be able to wear butt-plugs without issues.
22. Group sex
The idea of having sex with multiple people at the same time can be intimidating, but it’s a more common fantasy than you might think. According to Dr. Justin Lehmiller’s groundbreaking book on modern sexuality. Tell Me What You Want, multi-partner sex is among the top 7 most popular sexual fantasies. Whether it’s a threesome, a foursome, or an orgy, group sex can create a high-novelty incentive for keeping things spicy in your sex life.
23. Simulate a threesome using a high-tech sex toy
Finding a third can be challenging, but that doesn’t mean the idea of a threesome has to end. If all else fails, consider a digital threesome. For example, one person can use an automatic stroker (like this one) while their partner focuses on the top half of their body.
24. Use an electric wand
If you're into medical play, electrostimulation is totally worth exploring. Though it might sound shocking (yes, pun 1,000 percent intended) at first, you just might find it to be a worthwhile addition to your sexual repertoire with the right toy. For starters, you can run a nerve brush (like this one) against your arm as a gateway to e-stim.
25. Make a yes/no/maybe list
Interested in some of the previous ideas, but need help on where to begin? Start by creating a sex menu (also known as a yes/no/maybe list). Here’s what to do: Write a list of sexual activities, positions, products, kinks, fetishes, etc. and mark a response of “yes,” “no,” or “maybe” to indicate your level of interest in said item. When you’re done, swap menus with your partner and decide what to try next, based on the similarities of your lists.
Saran says that the main benefit of this list is the opportunity for self-discovery. “Even if you're in a long-term relationship, you're not going to stay the same. It's all about growing with your person and allowing yourselves to have fun, new experiences.”
But wait…what about aftercare?
Engaging in intense or otherwise “non-traditional” sexual activities can bring up a range of emotions for everyone involved, so providing physical and emotional care after kinky sex is crucial.
Adina Mahalli, MSW, a certified relationship therapist for Maple Holistics, says that aftercare can be done to foster a sense of emotional safety, allow physical recovery, and create a deeper bond between couples. “Aftercare provides an opportunity to emotionally reconnect, validate each other's experiences, and ensure that everyone feels supported and cared for,” she explains.
Mahalli recommends that couples transition from fantasy to reality by coming together and expressing affection through cuddling and gentle conversation as a way to reinforce the emotional bond between them. “This reassures participants that they are cared for, loved, and respected, promoting a positive and fulfilling sexual experience.”
Aftercare can look very different from person to person, so it’s always best to let your partner know what form your desired post-play scenario would ideally take. Some people need an ice pack to soothe the impact of being spanked, some people want to talk things through, while others don’t want anything except for complete alone time. Regardless, discuss and advocate for your needs as much as possible to avoid sub-drop (basically, when uncomfortable or unpleasant feelings creep up as reality sets back in and those “feel good” chemicals wear off). This can happen anywhere from minutes to several hours after an intense session.
Got it? Now, what are you waiting for? Go ahead and grab that paddle and get to spanking!
