There are few days of the year when the divide between singles and the happily coupled is more pronounced than Valentine’s Day. But for some, there is what we might call a secret third option: having more than one Valentine on February 14th. Yes, I’m talking about those in polyamorous relationships. And look, I get it: to the seemingly forever-single among us, having oh so many lovers to choose from on V-Day may seem like an enviable non-issue. But listen, sometimes more partners really does = more problems!

“If, for example, one partner thinks they’re getting dinner with you on Valentine’s Day itself, only to learn they are not, they will be upset,” says Cosmo’s ‘Navigating Non-Monogamy’ columnist Zachary Zane, author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto and sex and relationship expert for #LubeLife. “If a partner thinks they are sleeping over, but you actually intend on seeing another partner after your V-Day dinner, again, this will cause trouble.”

Hence why, if you happen to find yourself in a polyamorous relationship this Valentine’s Day, you’re gonna want—nay, need—to plan ahead. And yes, as is the case in all relationships—especially non-monogamous ones—that means communication is paramount. “Speak to all your partners well before V-Day, in order to manage expectations and plan celebrations,” Zane advises. “Unmet expectations and needs are recipes for disaster, so plan ahead.” Additionally, remember that there’s no rule that says you need to celebrate on February 14th itself. Zane notes that it’s totally fine to extend your Valentine’s Day plans across multiple days in order to celebrate with multiple partners—again, as long as you communicate with everyone about those plans first.

If this is your first polyamorous Valentine’s Day and you’re looking for real-life tips and inspiration from poly people, you’re in luck. We asked five folks in ethically non-monogamous relationships how they spread the love on the big day.

  • Emily, 27, says she’s not set on celebrating Valentine’s Day on the day itself. She plans to see a Valentine’s Day–themed show on the 14th with her foundational partner, “but that’s because Fridays are my date night with him,” she explains. “The following day, I’m going to do some sort of cute date with my new partner. It’ll be an activity but not exclusively a Valentine’s activity. I probably will get them a card or candy or something since they recently got me cute socks with my dog’s face on them.”
  • Griffin*, 30, has been married for five years and dating his partner for seven months. Since this is his first Valentine’s Day with his partner, the two of them “found an Airbnb in a town that neither of us knows anything about within about an hour’s drive from the city. We’re going to be hanging out for the weekend, exploring that town, and seeing what there is to see!” He and his spouse don’t usually do a lot for Valentine’s Day because their dating anniversary is just a few weeks before. “This year,” he says, “since I will be out and about for the weekend, she did request a specific thing—she wants me to write a tiny love story for her.”
  • Amber, 32, “What I’m really excited about this year is that I am extremely fortunate to have a wonderful polycule.” (A polycule, as she describes it, is a shorthand way of describing a number of people in non-monogamous relationships who are connected to one another in some way.) “B. and I are committed. I’m committed to R. And R. is committed to M. But all of us get along fantastically well and enjoy spending time with one another. I’ve never felt the level of trust and comfort that I do with these three other humans. It feels really special. To celebrate Valentine’s Day, we’re getting couples massages together, then going to R.’s apartment and cooking a big dinner,” she continues. “I suppose we could do this on any weekend, but it feels extra tender and cute to be celebrating together on this weekend in particular.”
  • Hannah Rose, 26, says, “I’m going to be spending the day at the beach with my girlfriend, and then I’ll go to my boyfriend’s house and he’s going to cook me dinner.” Since she’d been in a relationship with her girlfriend longer, she checked in with her first: “Do you want this to just be our day?” But her girlfriend said she was happy to share.
  • Jeffrey, 34, says Valentine’s Day has caused them a lot of anxiety in the past. “I often put a lot of pressure on it and worry that I’m not going to do enough and I’m not going to make it important enough.” Early in their non-monogamous relationships, they say, they felt “a worry or pressure about who to spend it with.” Fortunately, Jeffrey’s anxiety has dissipated now—largely because their two primary partners...don’t really care about the holiday! “Cooking is one of my biggest love languages, so often we’ll make some kind of big special meal together,” they say.

*Name has been changed.