Depending on your FYP and your circle of friends, it might feel like every couple you know (and don’t know) is suddenly having threesomes, joining Feeld, or welcoming new partners into the fold. And if they’re not doing it, they’re probably talking about it, right? Over the last decade, non-monogamy has been everywhere. It’s discussed in podcasts, TV shows, and albums (not always complimentary…looking at you, West End Girl) and is the subject of heated debates online and off.
And, while the non-traditional structure, known as consensual or ethical non-monogamy (CNM or ENM), is most commonly associated with trendy left-leaning folk, in more recent years, it’s also seen a bizarre uptick in certain right wing circles. Yep, manosphere influencers and their brainwashed followers are now into non-monogamy. Except, of course, they’re not preaching open communication, emotional intelligence, and respect—key tenets of ENM—but rather something they’re calling ‘one-sided’ or ‘one-way’ monogamy.
This is, of course, exactly what it sounds like. Which, in this context, is: in a heterosexual relationship, the woman is monogamously committed to her partner, while the man is allowed to have sexual and emotional encounters outside of the relationship. Technically the arrangement is agreed upon, but whether it’s entered into willingly or by force—and whether it’s a happy dynamic or not—is another matter.
The topic is a key talking point in Louis Theroux’s new Netflix documentary, Inside the Manosphere, with two of his subjects saying they practice it with their partners. In a clip from his podcast, Fresh & Fit, manosphere mouthpiece Myron Gaines (real name Amrou Fudl) lays out the rules of his one-sided monogamous relationship: “I do what the fuck I want to do. She’s loyal to me. It’s monogamous on her end, open on my end. She packs my fucking condoms when I travel, that’s how real it is.”
The other manosphere influencer who practices so-called ‘one-sided monogamy’ is Justin Waller, who shares children with his partner Kristen (they are, as per the documentary, specifically not married because of “the financial side”). When talking to Theroux about their dynamic, it’s revealed that the couple have a don’t-ask-don’t-tell policy relating to Waller’s other relationships, but that they sometimes engage in threesomes together.
So, is this totally made up by manosphere influencers or is this kind of non-monogamy actually a thing? There are, after all, tons of styles of ENM—from open relationships (sex outside a primary relationship), polyamory (multiple deep relationships), and throuples (three people in one relationship) to monogamish relationships, where a monogamous couple choose to have extra-relational sexual experiences, usually rarely and with strict boundaries. And, indeed, one-sided monogamy does exist.
“It’s called mono-poly relationships,” says Leanne Yau, a polyamory educator also known as Poly Philia. “There’s a huge difference between the one-sided monogamy being pushed by the manosphere and the mono-poly relationships that exist in the alternative relationship community—and that’s agency and autonomy.”
Yau explains that in a mono-poly relationship, the person who is monogamous isn’t doing it because their partner asked, coerced, or forced them into it, the former of which, at least, Gaines and Waller seem to have done with their partners. “The person who is monogamous is monogamous because, for whatever reason, they only want to have one partner,” she says. “They don’t feel the need to pursue other relationships, but they are perfectly happy with their partner being with other people.”
She notes that mono-poly relationships are incredibly rare because most monogamous people usually want mutual monogamy, while polyamorous people typically want to date other polyamorous people. “It can be a lot of pressure to have [multiple] partners but for one of them to be dependent on you for their romantic and sexual needs,” adds Yau.
Except, in the manosphere, this is exactly what’s wanted in one-sided monogamy. They’re not interested in equity, honesty, fairness, and freedom—which Yau lists as essential factors involved in consensual non-monogamy—but rather on imposing their own demands, desires, and dominance onto their partner. Unsurprisingly, this will likely create a pretty miserable dynamic, with these influencers’ partners essentially turning a blind eye to their liaisons, which could lead to resentment and feelings of betrayal.
This kind of don’t-ask-don’t-tell ‘one-sided monogamy’ obviously isn’t new. Men have been cheating on their wives since, well, the dawn of time, often with their wives choosing to look the other way. Although it’s always happened, it has always been taboo—something to be done in secret, not boasted about to anyone who’ll listen.
What’s interesting about this new dynamic is that these manosphere influencers—who loathe and reject social liberalism—are performing an ideal of traditional conservative masculinity while throwing all the markers of that masculinity out the window, instead embarking on arguably liberal relationship dynamics (albeit with misogynistic, conservative values). They claim to be providers and proponents of traditional masculinity and family values, but refuse to—or are incapable of—actually taking on this role. They want what they deem to be the best of both worlds.
This kind of contradiction is at the heart of the manosphere, which, as Theroux’s documentary shows, is pure smoke and mirrors (though that’s not to diminish the real world influence these men have and the harm they’re inflicting on young men).
Who’s to say one-sided monogamy isn’t just another example of this meaningless performance? In Inside the Manosphere, when Theroux questions Gaines’ girlfriend Angie about their one-sided monogamous arrangement, things quickly start to unravel. Angie says she’s fine with her boyfriend sleeping around (though he practically admits that he’s not), but doesn’t seem too keen on his multiple wives idea. “I don’t know how that would work,” she says with a grimace, before Gaines — clearly feeling awkward and embarrassed — tries to backpedal on his comments (“I might find two women too much,” he admits) and then sends Angie away to “clear the room.”
It’s a cringe moment, but also one that exposes Gaines’ bravado. He might talk the big talk about one-sided monogamy when he’s streaming on his terms, but, when caught off guard, he can’t seem to say it with his chest when his girlfriend is around.
Whether they’re imposing it on their partners or not, one-sided monogamy is, as manosphere figures peddle it, ultimately just another misogynistic double standard. “[One-sided monogamy] is a very selfish move,” says Yau. “It contributes to this idea that to be masculine means having sexual dominance over multiple women—to own them, in a way. And that women, who are sluts if they’re desirous of multiple partners, need to submit to and serve their man.”
“I hate to see the manosphere conflated with non-monogamy,” she continues. “I really hope that people understand that you can be in a mono-poly relationship if you want to be, but if your partner is telling you, ‘I get to have my cake and eat it, but you can’t because you’re a woman’, then you need to run.”
And this is exactly what Gaines’ girlfriend Angie has done. Despite earlier in the documentary stating that he knows what women want better than they do, it’s later revealed that Gaines and Angie have broken up. Can anyone say they’re surprised?
