I’m a little ashamed to admit that I often fantasize about being single, considering I live with my long-term partner. Nevertheless, I do. No matter how much guilt I feel for longing for my Tinder days of casual flings and wildly overpriced first-date drinks, I still imagine what it would be like to be back there, swiping merrily away without a care in the world.
Yes, you would be forgiven for thinking I’m unhappy and my relationship is doomed. Honestly, though, I respect and love my partner a lot. We spend the vast majority of our time together either cracking up or making out. It’s fun, fulfilling, and exciting. Still, I like to daydream about going on dates and sleeping with other people. Not specific people I know in real life, just...other people.
I’ve been internalizing this feeling for a while, but when I finally opened up to my friends, it turned out so many of them could relate.
Jess*, 21, feels the same after being with her boyfriend for five years, “It’s not that I fantasize about other men, per se—more that I experience a constant (sometimes stagnant, sometimes overarching) fear that me and my boyfriend are settling,” she explains. “Are we ‘comfortable’ rather than ‘content’? Are we really happy, or just used to routine? Am I going to marry him, or freak out in 10 years time that I don’t know what I’ve been doing with him all along?”
For Jess, that’s where the fantasy about single life comes from. “It doesn’t stem from wanting to be with other people—although that is sometimes a part of it—but more the worry that we’re in a routine that works, but may not be the perfect fit,” she says.
So why do we find ourselves dreaming of being single again when we’re happily partnered? Here’s what the relationships have to say.
Does Thinking About Being Single in a Relationship Mean You Should Break Up?
Short answer: No, not necessarily.
“Many people in long-term relationships admit that when hanging out with their single friends, they often fantasize about how life used to be when they were single,” says sex and relationships educator Andrea Pennington. “This doesn’t mean that they are not happy in their relationships, and it doesn’t mean they necessarily want to replace their partner.”
Psychologist Becky Spelman agrees there’s nothing wrong with fantasy and imagining yourself in different scenarios. “Up to a point, imagining being single can be a healthy safety valve, allowing us to think about how things could be different, while also enjoying the comfort and security of a loving relationship,” she explains.
As for why it happens? “Some people certainly imagine how fun it may be to go through the whole infatuation and falling in love process, with all of the emotional rush and butterflies, with a new partner,” suggests Pennington. “That’s because it’s usually a memory of a simpler life, with fewer obligations and pressures. It can be fun to reminisce about the feeling of ‘freedom’ we have when we are not in a romantic couple.”
According to Pennington, these thoughts are normal and not necessarily indicative of a real desire to end things: “Unless there is significant turmoil in your relationship, chances are it’s harmless fantasy.”
That said, a recurring urge to be uncoupled may indicate bigger issues within the relationship.
“Alarm bells should ring if you find you are no longer treating your significant other with respect and care,” says Spelman. “If you just seem to annoy one another and no longer have any fun, your fantasies about singlehood may show that you are already mentally ‘checking out’ of the relationship and planning to leave.”
When you notice feeling like this, it’s pretty much make-or-break time, she adds. “For many people in this situation, couples counseling may help them to either rekindle their relationship, or figure out a way to leave one another compassionately.”
What to Do If You’re Fantasizing About Being Single While in a Relationship
Again, breaking up isn’t the only option. Here are some tips for dealing with those intrusive thoughts of singlehood while maintaining a healthy partnership.
1. Bring Some Novelty Into the Relationship
If you’re dreaming of single life, dating expert Nichi Hodgson, author of The Curious History of Dating: from Jane Austen to Tinder, says it may be time to consider injecting some novelty into your relationship.
“Could you style yourself very differently for a date? Could you use pseudonyms, while your partner attempts to pick you up in a bar you’ve never been to? Or could you simply agree to meet in a different city, for a dirty weekend break and make all domestic topics of conversation off limits?” Hodgson suggests. “That way, you can reminisce about what it was like when you had no shared responsibilities, only shared attraction.”
2. Consider Ethical Non-Monogamy
If you find yourself fully in love with your partner but your mind still wanders, Hodgson floats non-monogamy as an option.
Hodgson warns that this option isn’t for everyone—and that you must be careful when suggesting or going through with it. “If you get a taste for dating others and it turns out what you’re really lusting after is a life without your current partner (i.e. any number of other options seem preferable to the person you’re with), then you need to be able to recognize it as such—and acknowledge it could be simply time to move on,” she says.
3. Take Time for Yourself
If dressing up and opening your relationship isn’t your style, there are other things you can do, says relationship expert Olga Levancuka. “Take a minute and think, ‘What is it that I’m really craving? What’s my subconscious mind trying to tell me? Do I miss the excitement of the unknown and getting to know new people?’”
If that’s the case, Levancuka says you can fulfill this desire by “visiting new places, taking up a new activity, or joining a social group.” She continues: “If you’re missing alone time, arrange to be alone. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you don’t deserve time alone. You and your partner don’t have to be tied at the hip. Take the time to do what it takes for you to rediscover your own identity.”
This article was originally published in 2018, and has been updated.
