In quite a stiff competition, Olympic biathlete Sturla Holm Lægreid has earned the title of My Least Favorite Man of the Week. He gained the esteemed recognition right off the Olympic podium on Tuesday, where, after earning a bronze medal, he decided to spend precious, globally broadcast airtime begging for his ex-girlfriend’s forgiveness. Apparently, she found out just a week ago that he cheated on her. He used his spotlight in an interview with Norwegian broadcaster NRK to garner sympathy, fighting back tears on an international stage: “I had the gold medal in life, and I am sure there are many people who will see things differently, but I only have eyes for her. Sport has come second these last few days. Yes, I wish I could share this with her,” he said.
Lægreid’s ex has since publicly clarified that his cheating was “hard to forgive, even after a declaration of love in front of the whole world.” But I still feel personally aggrieved by this ordeal because it’s just the Olympic-sized version of the unnecessarily public, post-egregious-offense grand gesture that far too many manipulative exes rely on as a last-ditch effort for recovery. It invites an audience into a deeply interpersonal matter, applies pressure on the wounded party, and throws a curveball into the already shaky healing process.
This week’s very public example of this manipulation tactic harkens back to when Offset crashed one of his ex-wife Cardi B’s concerts and begged her to forgive his cheating for the thousandth time—making her moment in the sun about him and reminding the world how poorly he treated her. While we might not all have rappers barging onto our stage or Olympic athletes looking for our pity in post-game interviews, we might have those who post horrifying “hate being single on weekends like this” quote cards on their main story, or DoorDash you a ridiculously large bouquet while you’re out trying to live your life with your friends. In almost every context, it’s a cringeworthy ego play for the offender and a potential setback for the person desperately trying to move on. Lægreid has successfully made the pain he caused his ex a talking point in this week’s news cycle, and on a less visible scale, exes who deploy public apologies are actually engaging in a unique form of coercion.
“It may look like vulnerability and accountability on the surface, but a public apology of this sort can come across more performative and coercive than remorseful,” says psychologist Dina Chavira, PhD. “It may create additional pressure to forgive the transgression to avoid keeping the topic in the public dialogue.”
And as we’ve seen unfold this week, these “apologies” only give rise to unwelcome opinions from people who aren’t involved in the matter. “Airing the dirty laundry of a relationship invites unwanted, often intrusive conversations from family, friends, or even strangers who are curious about the details of the situation or the person’s reaction,” says Chavira. “Having to field awkward questions while emotionally processing the betrayal adds to the stress of the situation.”
Breakups are hard enough without having someone’s remorse made into a spectacle. Well-intended as it might be, the grand gesture causes more hurt than healing when it forces someone who’s been hurt to explain their thought process and boundaries to people who have been invited to engage with their breakup dynamics as casual sport.
The logic that “humbling” yourself and apologizing or admitting to wrongdoing is somehow more noble than an honest one-on-one conversation fails when you consider the vulnerable position it puts the already very vulnerable party in. Lægreid offered us a very unique reminder of that this week, but luckily, it seems he’s reflected on why his declaration on Tuesday was misguided.
In a statement, he said he “deeply regret[s]” bringing up his relationship drama on what was a festive day for Norwegian biathlon.” But hopefully Lægreid’s actions can steer any exes who are considering the dramatic grand gesture away from that path. Now that it’s been meme’d and scolded at length (and didn’t even win his ex’s forgiveness in the end), it’s amply clear that moments like these do more harm than good.
