Hypothetically, What Does One Get Their Situationship for the Holidays?

Once I’ve decided I’m even marginally interested in someone, my generosity knows no bounds. Because of that affliction, I have found myself doing the absolute most in tragically undefined relationships (like offering a full birth chart reading to a casual hookup’s mom). I blame this behavior on my Scorpio Venus. Now, naturally, as I’ve gotten older and have been scorned by people who don’t return my overzealous energy, I’ve learned how to measure my affection a bit more. But the holiday season always presents a challenge.

You see, this time of year begs us to mimic the traditions of an actual, well-defined relationship. It’s when you’re met with an influx of strategic advertisements and gift guides about “What to get your significant other this December.” Your mind might start playing tricks. Who better to shower with gifts than the closest thing you have to a significant other: a person who confuses your emotions, has less-than-perfect communication skills, and you only see after 6:00 p.m.? They’re someone who’s made the dreary winter months feel a bit more tolerable and a lot less lonely—though they may have also put you through an emotional rollercoaster trying to analyze their feelings along the way.

I’m aware that the resounding sentiment toward getting Valentine’s Day gifts for situationships is an emphatic “absolutely not,” but that’s a day laser-focused on celebrating fulfilling, clearly defined romantic partnerships. Come December, ’tis the season of giving. And if I’m already getting something for my family, friends, roommates, and a few select coworkers, then why should the person who spikes my dopamine levels every time they text me be exempt?

Well, several experts I tapped offered a much-needed wakeup call. The answer is still no gifts at all, for a number of reasons.

“Gift exchanges can get very messy,” says relationship coach Jacob Lucas. “Someone may get the wrong impression if the gift is particularly extravagant or sentimental.” That’s not to mean that cheaper gifts can’t confuse things. “You might think of it as something small, but our brains attach meaning to things, whether we like it or not,” adds dating expert Dr. Tara Suwinyattichaiporn.

You could also wade into murky hurt-feelings territory if, say, you buy someone Geese tickets, and they get you a Chipotle gift card (or nothing at all). “If the gifts aren’t of equal thought or value, then it could create a strange dynamic between you both,” Jacob says. “It could show who is more invested in the relationship and could alter the way the two people perceive each other.”

Jacob offers quite the vivid reality check: “If someone isn’t committing to you, then don’t give them the privileges of what a girlfriend or boyfriend would get.” It's real. Why invest energy in parsing through gift guides and stressing over what’s appropriate to get someone you’ve been hooking up with for a month if they’re actively confusing your emotions? “With commitment comes the benefits, and someone who won’t commit and is ‘keeping their options open’ doesn’t deserve special treatment from you.”

You could put that time and money toward getting something extra nice for the people you have undeniable relationships with, like a parent or a best friend. Maybe rewarding a person who hasn’t yet gifted you clarity isn’t the move. If you’re anything like me, you may consider that there’s a workaround to this “no gifts for situationships” rule if you and your “partner” maintain clear communication and there’s no shadow of anxiety-inducing doubt plaguing the relationship. But even then, gift-giving can complicate that stability.

“Gifts aren’t ‘wrong’, but giving a gift to someone you’re not serious with can create different expectations for the relationship,” says Dr. Suwinyattichaiporn. “They become problematic when they introduce relationship behaviors without relationship agreements.”

If you’ve found yourself wanting to pick something up for your situationship during your gift-shopping spree, you could perceive it as clingy or slightly embarrassing...or you could look at it as an opportunity for reflection. “Ask yourself if you’re hoping for something in particular when giving this gift,” says Dr. Suwinyattichaiporn. “Are you wanting the relationship to progress or move forward in a particular way, or are you wanting to be seen by them as more valuable and desirable? If so, the gift is more so a signal of your desire for closeness or intimacy, and that shouldn’t be ignored.”

In that respect, the holidays can serve as a helpful checkpoint for people in ambiguous relationships. But if you’re on the hunt for what to buy someone, put the card away for now. (And if you’ve already bought something, 30-day return windows exist for a reason.) Instead, perhaps plan a holiday-themed outing or watch The Family Stone together to acknowledge the season. And maybe consider buying a little something for yourself instead. It’s the longest, most committed relationship you’ll ever be in.

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