When my last relationship ended, I felt better than I had in months—maybe even years. If I’m being honest, I was probably happier after we split than I was when we first got together, and it made me feel like the heartless Bachelor villain of my own love life.
It’s not like I’d planned or even expected this post-breakup bliss. Like literally every other person who has ever been in a relationship, I wasn’t exactly looking forward to the end of mine. But when it finally happened, I was relieved—dare I say, excited? It wasn’t even like I had been actively miserable in the relationship; to this day, I’m not even sure whether it’s fair to say it exceeded standard toxicity levels. But I did know it had run its course and I was grateful to have my future back, one I wouldn’t have to spend trying to convince myself a good-enough relationship was, in fact, good enough.
But to the rest of the world, this largely painless ending appeared to be a tragedy. Anyone I mentioned the split to, from friends and family to random strangers and acquaintances, immediately responded with some version of, “I’m sorry.” In response, I’d find myself explaining that actually I was fine and the breakup was very much for the best. Unfortunately, this had a way of making me come off like a heartbroken caricature of a delusional woman desperately trying to convince everyone she’s fine when really I…actually was fine!
Being on the receiving end of all these condolences had me wondering if I actually was delusional—or maybe just dead inside. Had one too many heartbreaks, ghostings, and life-altering situationships rendered me fully incapable of mourning my own relationship the way everyone else seemed to be doing?
Exhausted from absorbing all this well-intentioned if unsolicited sympathy, I started trying to avoid mentioning the breakup altogether. Until one day, a few weeks after the split, when I casually broke the news to a friend at a party and she said, “Congratulations!”
I was so thrilled, so relieved to finally get a response from someone that actually matched my own feelings I could’ve wept tears of actual joy. Maybe my lack of grief and I weren’t the problem! Maybe the problem I kept brushing up against with every unsolicited “sorry” had more to do with the patriarchal ideals our society still upholds but which I had recently rejected—the ones that dictate that being partnered, however happily or unhappily, is always superior to being single, especially if you’re a woman.
To be clear, I’m not saying that expressing sympathy for what may very well be an emotionally painful experience makes anyone rude or careless or insufficiently evolved. But the default “I’m sorry” most of us reach for when confronted with breakup news paints the dissolution of a relationship as a universal loss, reinforcing the dated idea that being partnered is paradise and being single is sad.
“There are a lot of societal, cultural, or even personal projections made when we automatically assume someone is devastated after a breakup,” says therapist Lindsey Brock, founder of the Breakup Therapist. “It’s never helpful to assume what someone is thinking or how they are responding emotionally to any situation.”
Perhaps more important than whatever heteropatriarchal norms we may or may not be reinforcing when we apologize to someone for their own breakup is the simple fact that “I’m sorry” might not be an appropriate response to a given situation. This default apology ignores the reality that in many cases, a breakup might be totally neutral, or even something to celebrate.
“Walking away from a relationship may be the most courageous yet difficult thing someone does,” says Brock. “Meeting them with an ‘I'm sorry’ may undermine that bravery, or even leave someone second-guessing whether they made the right decision.”
While the end of a relationship certainly may be cause for sympathy—I myself have had my share of emotionally annihilating splits in which condolences were very much in order—it’s not always appropriate or helpful to automatically assume that someone is struggling just because they’ve been through a breakup.
“Culturally, we are conditioned to assume that when a relationship ends, it’s a negative thing and that it must therefore be an unfortunate event,” says relationship coach Natalia Juarez, founder of Lovistics. “While expressing sympathy in some situations is appropriate, it’s essential to consider a variety of factors. Each breakup is unique and multi-faceted.” Rather than reaching for a canned response, “it’s far better to actively listen and be mindful,” says Juarez.
This, of course, requires a little more effort than offering the standard post-breakup condolences. Below, Brock and Juarez share a few tips for approaching breakup news more mindfully.
1. Make No Assumptions
Don’t assume you know how someone is feeling. An easy way to avoid doing this? Just ask! Instead of reaching for an, “Oh, I’m so sorry,” Juarez recommends starting out with a simple, “How are you feeling about it?”
“As a general rule, it’s most supportive to ask how someone is feeling about a big transition. This gives them room to honor their different feelings and experiences without the pressure to fit some social norm or expectation,” says Brock. “They may feel terrified yet hopeful, sad and relieved, guilty yet proud, ecstatic and free.”
Sometimes the best thing you can give someone going through something significant is space to embrace what may be a wide range of conflicting emotions.
2. Offer Support…
But know that that might look very different from situation to situation. Before expressing sympathy or offering advice, try asking something along the lines of, “How can I support you?” says Brock. “Sometimes people need someone to celebrate with them, distract them from misery, give sound advice, plan an adventure, or join them in bashing their ex. When in doubt, just listen and never assume.”
Asking someone what, if anything, they need instead of assuming makes it much easier to provide actually useful support to a friend who might need it. “Communicating openly is so much better than simply saying, ‘If you need me, I’m here,’” says Juarez. “The fact is, many broken-hearted people don’t reach out because they don’t want to be a burden.”
3. Check Your Own Internalized Beliefs
A little self-reflection never hurts. When confronted with the news of someone else’s split, it may be “helpful to assess and challenge your own beliefs about marriage or long-term partnership,” says Brock. “While it’s totally okay to want a long-term partnership for yourself, others may not share that as a priority. As you support your friend through their breakup, stay mindful that being single isn’t inherently bad or wrong or just a blip on the radar en route to partnership.”
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