• “Throning” refers to dating someone specifically for clout and elevated social status.
  • Experts say it’s a superficial approach to dating that does not lead to healthy relationships.
  • But is there a difference between toxic throning and having high standards?

It is once again time to unpack a TikTok dating trend. Today’s lesson: Throning.

“Throning is when you intentionally date someone with social clout, influence, or popularity to boost your own image and social standing,” says therapist and dating coach Kesley Wonderlin. “The focus is on the benefits of being associated with your partner, rather than being with your partner as an individual.”

Essentially, you’re putting the person you’re dating on a pedestal—or, ahem, a throne, hence the name. It’s basically the same thing as “dating up,” and is a product of the same DatingTok subculture that promotes concepts like “high-value dating” and encourages “high-value” singles to pursue similarly high-status mates—with that value generally determined by looks, money, and/or social clout.

If this all sounds a bit toxic, many an expert would tend to agree!

“When someone is throning you, they’re attracted to what you have or what you represent, not who you actually are,” says relationship coach Amie Leadingham. “You’re more like a trophy or an accessory to make them look better.”

And while being treated like a prize may not sound all that bad—especially to anyone who’s ever felt under-appreciated in a relationship—Leadingham cautions that all this praise is merely performative, and that performance is bound to wear on you eventually.

“Even if this person showers you with attention in public or on social media, behind closed doors, you’ll feel unseen and unappreciated,” says Leadingham. “When you realize someone only wanted you for superficial reasons, it can make you question your value. You start wondering, ‘Am I only worth what I can offer externally?’”

Throning vs. Hypergamy

Of course, while “throning” may be a newer term, dating for money or status is anything but a new concept. In fact, in many cultures at various points throughout history, “hypergamy”—or marrying into a higher social status—was a common or even standard approach to forging relationships (think the Bennett sisters trying to nab wealthy husbands in Pride and Prejudice), even if there have always been those who decry this money-minded approach to marriage as “golddigging.”

Still, modern throning speaks to uniquely of-the-moment (and uniquely toxic) aspects of dating culture today. “Traditional hypergamy was often about long-term security—finding a partner who could provide stability, opportunity, or a better life,” explains Leadingham. “But throning is short-term and appearance-driven, tied completely to how a relationship looks online or to social circles.”

In fact, Leadingham suggests throning may be a product of social media’s influence on society and the pressure many people feel to project a picture-perfect image of their lives online, with throners attempting to curate their relationships the same way they curate their social media presence.

What’s the Difference Between Throning and Owning Your Standard?

While throning is generally seen as toxic dating behavior, it’s worth noting that it does seem to overlap in some ways with arguably healthier dating practices that encourage singles to seek partners who meet their standards and to avoid “settling for less” just for the sake of being in a relationship.

Rest assured, “There’s a huge difference between having standards and throning,” says Leadingham. “One is about finding a partner who truly sees and values you. The other is about using someone as an accessory to boost your ego.”

If you’re dating intentionally and seeking a partner who meets your standards in a healthy way, you’re screening for partners who share your core values and provide the compatibility and stability required to forge a healthy, long-term partnership. “With throning, you’re screening for superficial markers of status: their looks, their social media following, their job title, their network, what they can do for your image,” says Leadingham. “Throning is transactional and one-sided. Having high standards means you know your worth and won’t settle for less than you deserve.”