What Is Ethical Non-Monogamy? Experts Explain What You Need to Know

If it feels like ethical non-monogamy is everywhere these days, you’re not wrong—more and more people are starting to question whether “one and only” is really the only way to love. According to Feeld’s 2024 State of Dating Report, 24 percent of Millennials surveyed said ethical non-monogamy was their preferred relationship type, and among Millennials, Gen X, and Boomers, 75-80 percent said that they have fantasized about an open relationship.

And while ENM’s rise in popularity is exciting, it also means there are more people than ever who are dating right now and just trying to figure it all out—a challenge, when you consider that ENM isn’t one-size-fits-all. There are lots of different terms, rules, and conversations that go into the process of opening up a relationship (don’t worry, we’ll explain everything).

Sex therapist Jenni Skyler, PhD, LMFT, CST, director of The Intimacy Institute and resident expert for Adam & Eve, says to think of ethical non-monogamy as the “drawer” term for the many ways you can love multiple people at the same time. “Polyamory, swinging, and open relationships are all forms of ENM, but they’re all slightly different from each other.” One thing they all have in common? Practicing them doesn’t mean you’re cheating as long as everyone’s on the same page.

Licensed marriage and family therapist Rachel Wright, who works with non-monogamous and polyamorous couples, says that freedom and flexibility are drawing more and more people to the relationship style. “People are craving relationships that feel intentional, not automatic,” she explains. Non-monogamy isn’t a new idea—it’s been around forever—but it’s finally being talked about openly and without shame.”

So whether you’re ENM-curious, rethinking monogamy after a long-term relationship, or just trying to understand what “relationship agreements” even are, you might be surprised to learn that the whole “one person forever” concept isn’t for everyone, and it might not be for you. Ahead, experts break down what ethical non-monogamy actually is, how it works, and how to explore it without blowing up your group chat, or your relationship.

At its core, ethical non-monogamy means having multiple romantic or sexual relationships with the knowledge and agreement of everyone involved, explains sexuality and relationship scientist Zhana Vrangalova, PhD, creator of LoveSmarter, an online program that helps people make decisions about their relationships.

The keyword here is ethical. “The ethical portion of it is the consciousness, honesty, and transparency between all parties involved,” Vrangalova adds. Translation: If you’re sneaking around or hiding things, that’s not ENM. More than likely, it’s cheating. In healthy non-monogamous relationships, “everybody knows everything that’s happened—or at least what they opt in to knowing.”

While the concept might sound new, it’s not. Non-monogamous structures have existed across cultures for centuries and only became stigmatized when colonization and religion imposed monogamy as the “norm.” In fact, that’s why Wright prefers dropping the term ethical and simply calling it non-monogamy. “The ethics come from how people practice, not the structure itself,” she explains. In other words, it’s not inherently better or worse than monogamy; it’s just one of many valid ways to love.

So while monogamy involves two—and only two—consenting adults, (ethical) non-monogamy opens the door to infinite ways to build love, connection, and community. As Vrangalova puts it, it’s not about breaking rules; it’s about making them together.

Even though all of these terms fall under the umbrella of ethical non-monogamy, they’re not all the same thing. The differences usually come down to why people are doing it, how they connect, and what kinds of relationships they’re looking for. And, as Feeld expert Ruby Rare points out, you don’t have to have every label memorized to belong. “Sometimes the amount of language around non-monogamy can feel intimidating,” they explain. “You just have to find what works for you.”

Polyamory

The word polyamory literally means “many loves,” which pretty much says it all. Vrangalova describes it as having or being open to multiple romantic relationships, not just sexual ones. Wright adds that polyamory is usually about “intentional, committed relationships” where emotional intimacy—not just hookups—is the focus.

Rare notes that while many polyamorous people structure their connections around couples (like a primary partner and others they date), that’s not the only option. “There are plenty of non-monogamous people who are solo or who practice relationship anarchy,” they say. “It’s about autonomy and connection, not hierarchy.”

Swinging

Swinging tends to focus more on sex than love. “I think about swinging as recreational sex,” Skyler says. “There’s soft swinging, where you and your partner are in the same room as another couple but only have sex with each other while watching. Full swinging is a full swap of partners, and that can include threesomes.”

Unlike polyamory, swinging is usually a shared experience between established couples. As Wright puts it, it’s less about emotional connection and more about mutual exploration. Rare adds that swinging has been practiced for decades across all kinds of communities—not just the modern or more sexually-experienced.

Open Relationships

Open relationships fall somewhere in the middle. Vrangalova explains that this setup usually involves one main romantic partnership where both people can date or sleep with others. “The couple remains the primary unit but sees others separately for relatively casual sex or dating,” she says.

Skyler adds that openness doesn’t have to be purely physical. “Sometimes people connect intellectually or emotionally with others even if they maintain a main partnership,” she says.

Rare emphasizes that finding community—whether online or IRL—is one of the best ways to explore this safely and sustainably. “Go in looking to build friendships and learn from others, not just to hook up,” they suggest. Whether you identify as polyamorous, open, or just figuring it out, the core principles are the same: communication, consent, and care.

Contrary to popular belief, the first step isn’t jumping straight into a play party. Take a beat first and do some soul-searching.

“Learn about your motivations, values, fears, and boundaries first,” suggests Wright. That means reflecting on why you’re interested in ENM and what needs or desires you’re hoping it will meet. Are you craving novelty? Community? Emotional connection? Or just wanting to explore something new with your partner? Knowing that answer really matters.

Skyler agrees that curiosity—not criticism—should drive the conversation. “Ideally, bring it up outside the bedroom,” she says. “Do it on a walk or over coffee, not when emotions are already high.” (Pro tip: The earlier in the day after everyone is fed, the better, so no one is hangry and you’re less likely to go to bed feeling awk—trust.) If you’re in a long-term relationship, she recommends starting slow and keeping things contained: “Watch some adult content together, go to a lifestyle club just to observe, or explore online forums before getting physical.” It’s much easier to loosen the reins than it is to pull them back, you know?

In fact, Vrangalova notes that pacing is everything. “It can take some couples years to go from talking about non-monogamy to actually trying it,” she says. “Others find it’s a natural extension of how they already connect.” There’s no timeline here—only open, ongoing dialogue.

Rare adds that you should expect the process to be messy at times, and that’s okay. “There’s no way to do this perfectly,” they explain. “What matters is being present, honest, and willing to learn from discomfort instead of avoiding it.”

Once you’ve had those conversations and know what’s motivating you, the next step is to figure out what boundaries or agreements make sense for you and your partner(s). Because the only thing riskier than opening up too fast is opening up without a plan.

First thing’s first: “Rules” might not actually be the best word.

“I don’t love the word rules,” Wright says. “Rules are typically given to us by someone else—they’re above us. Boundaries are for ourselves, but when we’re talking about non-monogamy, what we usually mean are relationship agreements.” These are negotiated understandings between partners about how things will work, and yes, they can (and should) evolve over time.

According to Wright, it’s helpful to start by outlining agreements around things like:

• Safer sex practices (testing, protection, disclosure)
• Time management (how often you see other partners)
• Communication (how much and how often you check in about other connections)

“The healthiest agreements evolve as people learn more about themselves and each other,” she explains.

Vrangalova adds that this “negotiation” stage is crucial: “Are you going to see other people just for sex, or are you going to be dating others more seriously? Are you going to be seeing others together, separately, or both? How much will you disclose to each other about other partners?” Answering these questions upfront creates clarity and helps avoid misunderstandings later.

And while every dynamic looks different, Rare reminds people that consent and communication—not control—should guide every interaction. “A boundary shouldn’t be about telling someone not to have feelings for another person,” they explain. “You can’t control that. What matters is how it’s communicated if or when it happens.”

Bottom line: Whether your version of ENM involves casual flings, deep connections, or something in between, boundaries aren’t there to limit you—they’re there to keep everyone safe, respected, and informed.

If you’ve made it this far, congrats! You’re already doing the hardest part: talking about ethical non-monogamy. But once you’ve started exploring, remember that ENM is less about perfection and more about practice.

Wright says patience and communication are key, but also not to panic if things get messy. “Be patient, go slowly, and communicate more than feels necessary,” she says. “Expect mistakes and use them as opportunities for repair.” Jealousy, comparison, and vulnerability aren’t signs you’re doing it wrong—they’re part of the process.

Skyler adds that enthusiasm levels usually don’t match perfectly, and that’s okay. “One person is almost always more excited than the other, so you’ve got to go at the slowest person’s pace,” she says. If you’ve been monogamous for years, take time to figure out why you want to open things up. “Ask yourself what’s driving this—boredom, curiosity, wanting validation—and unpack that before diving in.”

Vrangalova stresses that “ethical” is the key word. “ENM doesn’t inherently weed out bad actors,” she says. “So make sure you’re clearly communicating your needs and boundaries, then actually listening when your partners do the same.”

And as Rare puts it: “You’re not going to optimize your way through this without ever making mistakes or hurting feelings. What matters is showing up honestly and learning from the challenges along the way.”

If you’re ready to learn more—or just want to see what this whole “multiple partners, one Google Cal” thing looks like in practice—there’s no shortage of resources available.

Start with a few classics: The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy is basically the ENM bible and a must-read for anyone exploring open relationships. Polysecure by Jessica Fern takes things a step further, breaking down attachment theory for non-monogamous dynamics, while Opening Up by Tristan Taormino is a practical, approachable guide to creating your own rules.

For podcasts, Wright recommends Multiamory and Normalizing Non-Monogamy, which both feature real stories, expert advice, and community perspectives. You can also check out The Curious Fox Podcast and Making Polyamory Work for a mix of humor and hard-earned wisdom.

If you prefer a more social (and flirty) entry point, the Feeld app offers both dating and community-building for people exploring consensual non-monogamy. Rare calls it “a genuinely welcoming space” where users can connect with others who share their values, whether they’re looking for love, friendship, or just someone to talk to about the process. (As a user of the app myself, I can 10/10 confirm.)

And for online reading, blogs like Poly Land, Loving Without Boundaries, and Reddit’s r/nonmonogamy can help you learn from real people who’ve been there. Just remember: Everyone’s version of ENM looks different—and that’s the whole point. Whether you’re swinging or poly, in an open relationship or just considering the lifestyle, who says you can’t have your cake, eat it, and flirt with the baker too?