Pretty much any time you find yourself wondering whether you should text an ex, that means the answer is probably no. Generally speaking, it’s one of those “if you have to ask...” situations. It’s also typically one of those “better safe than sorry” situations—and in this case, hitting send on that risky text you’ve convinced yourself is actually a totally innocent text is not the safe option for you and your mental state. That said, I acknowledge that fighting the urge to reach out is much easier said than done. And if there’s one day of the year that it’s hardest not to cave and text an ex, it’s probably their birthday.

So if you’re wondering whether it’s a good idea to text your ex “Happy birthday,” let me just give you the short answer: It’s (probably) not. But the long answer is a bit more complicated. There is such thing as nuance involved here, and even dating and relationship experts seem to go back and forth on the question many of us ask ourselves at least once a year. In some cases, it may be totally fine. In others, it may or may not produced the desired results, but could still be worth taking the risk. And in still other situations (most of them, arguably), it may still just be the terrible idea all your friends think it is.

Ultimately, the choice is yours to make. But here are some thoughts from experts on all sides of the debate to help you weigh the pros and cons of hitting send on that “HBD” missive.

When Some Relationship Experts Say It’s Okay to Text an Ex Happy Birthday

  • “If the relationship ended on relatively good terms, it’s fine,” says recovery coach Manya Wakefield, founder of Narcissistic Abuse Rehab.
  • “If the two of you are on friendly terms and keep in regular contact, you can and should wish your ex a happy birthday,” says relationship and dating coach Ashley Harris.
  • “If ‘happy birthday’ actually means ‘happy birthday’ and there are no hidden meanings in the text, it’s appropriate and acceptable to text your ex,” says dating coach Tennesha Wood.

When Relationship Experts Say You Should Not Text an Ex Happy Birthday

  • “If the relationship was one that brought you down, it’s best to let sleeping dogs lie. The bottom line: Invest your time in people that build you up,” says Wakefield.
  • “You’ve ended what you had and both of you have moved on,” says relationship and dating expert Amy Olson. “A happy birthday text out of the blue sends the idea that you are not completely over them and want to get back together.”

Why It’s Probably Almost Always a Bad Idea Regardless

Now that we’ve consulted the experts, allow me and my personal opinion to vent for a second. If you think sending a “happy birthday!” text to someone you once dated/were in love with/etc. seems perfectly inoffensive, I fear you may be deluding yourself.

The truth is, even though these texts are not necessarily malicious, they almost always have an ulterior motive. Rarely is a happy birthday text to an ex really anything other than a covert attempt to prove to them and/or yourself that you’re over it, or an excuse to re-initiate contact in the hopes (however far-fetched) of rekindling the flame.

There’s no such thing as an altruistic “happy birthday!” text when exes are involved. Mostly because an ex can never just say “happy birthday!” and leave it at that. A birthday text from an ex always comes with a side of something like: “...and I hope you’re doing well, [INSERT YOUR NAME HERE]” or, “I know it’s been a while since we talked but....”

At best, you can muster up the grace and courage to politely respond, “Thanks!” and delete the text thread forever. But at worst, your birthday is ruined by a blast from the past.

That said, I can understand the impulse to say happy birthday to an ex, especially a serious one who you experienced at least one birthday with. It’s a moral quandary! If you don’t say happy birthday, will they think you’re not over it? But then again, if you do say happy birthday, they might not respond. Or worse, they might respond with a cold, “Thanks.”

This would all be much easier if there was just an established rule for this situation. And that rule should be: Just don’t.

There are very few exceptions to this rule. If you and your ex are one of those odd former couples who are honestly still friends, sure! Send the text. And by “friends,” I mean this ex must be someone you interact with at least three to four times a month with zero drama.

As they say, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” So if you can’t say, “Happy birthday,” to an ex without wishing you could actually say, “Happy birthday, you wrecked my life and I hope your cake tastes like a pile of sand,” then don’t say anything at all. And if you’re lucky, your ex will return the same favor to you.