Everyone has a different opinion on whether your relationship changes after marriage. Some marrieds say getting hitched strengthened their bond, while others may feel that officially tying the knot had a more or less negligible effect, and still others may find marriage introduced new challenges into the relationship.
So what about fighting? All couples argue—even if they all do it in different ways and to varying degrees. So does marriage have any effect on the future of those fights? Does it raise the stakes or make disagreements seem less significant in the grand scheme of things? If you argue about certain things before you get married, will those things—if left unresolved—just become much bigger issues after the wedding? Or do they lose some of their heat once you’ve done the whole vows and rings thing?
Here, 9 women explain how arguments with their partners changed after getting married.
1. “[Our fights before marriage] were generally petty misunderstandings. After has been just pure stubbornness and lack of communication. It took a few years of really rough patches and understanding our personal mental health and relationship health. Now that we have two kids, we are a full on pair and don’t really fight. We may be miffed and need space to work out the anger, but then we talk about it calmly and without judgment and recognize what the other felt.” [via]
2. “A lot of our arguments at the beginning revolved around learning how to live together (chore division, housekeeping styles, etc.) and figuring out our love languages (he shows affection by cleaning the kitchen, while I just want to cuddle on the couch). Once we learned how to communicate better, things were much smoother. We still argue about chores and housekeeping, but not seriously. Most of our problems right now center around the health issues we are each facing and trying to adapt to them. I get cranky when I’m in pain, he gets grouchy when he’s anxious...but we’ll sort it out eventually.” [via]
3. “Married 22 years, together 24 years. Those little things that are just a minor annoyance early on become major annoyances later. If it bugs you now, talk about it now. Also, everyone talks about falling in love, but the real beauty is growing in love. Getting old together. It’s a better type of love, IMO." [via]
4. “Communication was our main premarital issue. Nowadays, I think we co-exist great, but he’d probably say we now lack intimacy/passion in our marriage." [via]
5. “We used to have the regular relationship issues: ‘You’re not attentive enough,’ ‘You were out too late.’ Once we got married, most of those issues became insignificant as they were based on our insecurities about the relationship. Now we tend to just argue about politics and shit.” [via]
6. “Before we got married, our arguments were about how he didn’t respect me and liked to flirt with other women. After we got married, it’s the same thing. Plus, I don’t ‘do enough around the house’ because I am working and in school and raising the kids. It’s really no surprise we are in the middle of a divorce.” [via]
7. “I’ve been married and divorced twice. All I can say is people don’t change and the things you fight about now will probably still be fights after you get married. Once you’re married, there will be new fights too depending on your relationship. I’ve fought about money, household chores, communication, honesty and other things. If you are hoping the fighting will end after the wedding, you probably shouldn’t marry this person. Or if you do, don’t expect much to change.” [via]
8. “Before: ‘Why the fuck do you put your dirty pants NEXT to the laundry basket?’ After: ‘Why the fuck do you STILL put your dirty pants NEXT to the laundry basket?!’10 years strong somehow.” [via]
9.“They were the same before and after. Misunderstandings, expectations of each other that we’d fail to communicate (getting frustrated with each other and then resenting one another because of improper communication styles). We were on the edge of divorce. We finally got some much needed therapy, which helped our relationship tremendously. Both of us recognized that we each individually needed to work on ourselves. It changed our marriage.” [via]
