Sex is better when you can laugh about it. A well-timed dirty joke can be hot, break the tension, open the door to flirting, and make the main event that much better. That’s why it’s helpful to have a few top-tier dirty jokes in your back pocket—because you never know when you’ll need a penis pun that’s equal parts raunchy and ridiculous.

Before we hand over the goods, a quick PSA: Consent is key. Don’t drop a NSFW joke on your coworker, your partner’s mom, or someone who's clearly not vibing. Read the room. Apologize if you miss the mark. Remember, the point is to have fun—not make things weird. (Unless it’s the sexy kind of weird.) A sex joke is only good if it’s welcome, so don’t be that person!

Once you’re in the clear—grandma’s out of earshot, your DM thread is unhinged, or your hookup sends the lil devil emoji unprompted—we’ve got the perfect joke for it. From spicy one-liners to adult jokes that might earn you a one-way ticket to horny jail, this list has it all. Think: classic “that’s what she said” energy, bold sex puns, and just enough chaos to make your crush wonder if they should marry you or punish you (in like, a hot way). Use them to flirt, roast your partner, steam up a sext sesh, ease into foreplay, or just make your bestie spit out her drink at brunch. Just know that once you open this list, there’s no going back—your group chat will never be the same.

So whatever your vibe, these 100 dirty jokes are guaranteed to get the job done.

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Cheesy Dirty Jokes

  1. What’s better than roses on a piano?
    Tulips on your organ.
  2. What kind of bees make milk?
    Boo-bees.
  3. Why did the environmentalist blush?
    He saw the climate change.
  4. Why did the ranch blush?
    It saw the salad dressing.
  5. What did one coffee bean say to the other coffee bean?
    I can be made instant, but I prefer the slow grind.
  6. Why do squirrels always win at dating?
    B    ecause they’re great at finding nuts.
  7. What do you call two people who fall asleep after sex?
    A nap-tual agreement.
  8. Are you a parking ticket?
    Because you’ve got “FINE” written all over you.
  9. Why did the mermaid wear seashells?
    She outgrew her b-shells.
  10. What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?
    I want you inside me.
  11. Are you a sea lion?
    Because I can sea you lion in my bed tonight.
  12. What do you call a well-endowed ghost?
    A boo-ner.
  13. What do hot dogs use for protection?
    Condo-ments.
  14. What do you call sex with a ghost?
    A boo-ty call.
  15. Why did the couple bring a ladder into the bedroom?
    Because they were ready to take things to the next level.
  16. I’m training to be an astronaut, and my first mission is to explore Uranus.
  17. Why did the couple go to the gym together?
    They heard it was good to work on their coregasms.
  18. Are you a campfire?
    Because I want s’more.
  19. What did the bed say to the blanket?
    “I’ve got you covered if things get steamy.”
  20. Why did the lizard go to the doctor?
    He had reptile dysfunction.
  21. What does the mermaid wear under her shirt?
    An algae-bra.
  22. I must be a beaver, because I’m dying for your wood.
  23. Do you work at Subway?
    Because you just gave me a footlong.
  24. Are you a microwave?
    Because you’re making things hot real quick.
  25. Why did the snowman suddenly smile?
    He could see the snowblower coming.

Dirty Foreplay Jokes

  1. My safe word is “keep going.” Just thought you should know.
  2. I’m really good at math, so let’s add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide our legs, and (hope we don't) multiply.
  3. My doctor told me I have a vitamin D deficiency. Wanna go back to my place and fix that for me?
  4. Are you a trampoline?
    Because I want to bounce on you.
  5. I know you’re busy, but please add me to your list of things to do.
  6. What’s long, hard, and makes you scream in the morning?
    Your alarm clock. Obviously.
  7. Are you Little Caesars?
    Because you’re hot and I’m ready.
  8. Would you kiss me in the rain?
    I want to get twice as wet.
  9. Toss me your car keys so I can drive you crazy.
  10. Are you feeling down?
    Because I’d happily feel you up.
  11. I’m not a magician, but I can definitely make your underwear disappear.
  12. There are 206 bones in the human body, but I’d really like to have 207.
  13. I like my relationships like I like my coffee...
    Hot, strong, and able to keep me up all night.
  14. Are you a drill?
    Because I want you to nail me.
  15. Why don’t we ever play hide and seek in the bedroom?
    Because good luck hiding when I’m already cuming.
  16. Are you a weatherman?
    Because I bet my forecast calls for some inches tonight.
  17. What’s the only wood that doesn’t float?
    The kind you get when I text back.
  18. What time do you get off? Mind if I watch?
  19. I want chicken for dinner, do you have any? No? What about cock?
  20. Are you a beaver?
    Because damn.
  21. You’re on my to-do list tonight.
  22. Roses are red,
    Violets are fine,
    You be the six,
    And I’ll be the nine.
  23. I don’t need dessert… unless you’re volunteering.
  24. Just say the word, and I’ll put my mouth where your thoughts have been all day.
  25. You’re so sexy, my zipper is falling for you.

Dirty Raunchy Jokes

  1. If the dove is the bird of peace, what's the bird of love?
    The swallow.
  2. What’s long, hard, and full of seamen?
    A submarine.
  3. What did the princess do when she got to the ball?
    She gagged.
  4. Why did the sperm cross the road?
    Because someone put on the wrong sock this morning.
  5. That shirt’s very becoming on you. If I were on you, I’d be cuming too.
  6. I can't make a cherry pop, but I can make a banana cream.
  7. If we flip a coin, what are the chances of me getting head?
  8. What did the left lip say to the right lip?
    "We used to be really tight until you let that dick come between us."
  9. I’m light as a feather, and I can see you’re stiff as a board.
  10. What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
    One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.
  11. I'm no vampire, but I sure do know how to suck.
  12. If you were a balloon, I’d totally blow you.
  13. I’m not a weatherman, but I’m predicting 100 percent chance of getting you wet.
  14. Is your name winter?
    Because you’ll be cuming soon.
  15. Roses are red,
    Violets are twisted,
    Bend over, babe—
    You’re about to get fisted.
  16. Why did the pool table laugh?
    Its balls were tickled.
  17. What do you call a nurse with dirty knees?
    The head nurse.
  18. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
    “Beat it. We’re closed!”
  19. What did the penis say to the condom?
    Cover me, I’m going in.
  20. Are your legs tired?
    Because as long as I have a face, you’ll have a place to sit.
  21. Which animal has the largest chest?
    A Z-bra.
  22. Why are men like popcorn?
    They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
  23. Are you a Rubix cube?
    Because the more I play with you, the harder you get.
  24. What did the elephant ask the naked man?
    How do you breathe out of that thing?
  25. What goes up, lets out a load, and comes back down?
    An elevator.

Dirty Jokes for the Group Chat

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    A vampire is eating her GF out. After she's finished, she says, "Same time next month?"
  2. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
    A guy will actually look for a golf ball.
  3. What’s long, hard, and makes everything awkward at dinner?
    A badly-timed dirty joke.
  4. What does a robot do after a one-night stand?
    He nuts and bolts.
  5. What did one boob say to the other?
    “If we don’t get some support soon, people are gonna think we’re nuts.”
  6. Did you hear about the stolen Viagra truck? Police are searching for a group of hardened criminals.
  7. My wife is upset that our neighbor keeps sunbathing without her top. Me? I'm on the fence.
  8. I told my boyfriend I was in the mood for a quickie. He said it's pronounced “quiche.”
  9. What do you play with at night that also vibrates?
    A cell phone.
  10. Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
    Because they won't stop to ask for directions.
  11. What’s long, stiff, and makes you gasp when it goes in?
    Your breath... after walking up the stairs.
  12. Two nuns are biking down the street. One nun says to the other, "I've never come this way before." The other nun turns to her and replies, "It's the cobblestones."
  13. The masochist said to the sadist "hurt me" and the sadist said no.
  14. My boyfriend only knows masturbation jokes. He says they always cum in handy.
  15. What’s the difference between hungry and horny?
    Where you stick the cucumber.
  16. Did you hear about the person who dipped their testicles in glitter?
    Pretty Nuts!
  17. How do you make your partner scream during sex?
    Call them by the wrong name.
  18. Why don’t you ever play poker naked?
    Because it’s hard to keep a straight face with a full house.
  19. They say love is blind... which explains all my exes.
  20. What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
    I usually blow my bonus.
  21. My vibrator and I are in a committed relationship. He even takes me out to dinner—right after I charge him.
  22. My Hinge date said he was into choking, so I showed him my credit card bill.
  23. Why was the broom late to the orgy?
    It swept with the wrong crowd.
  24. Why did the penis get a promotion?
    Because it always rises to the occasion.
  25. What gets longer when pulled, inserted in a hole, and works best when jerked?
    A seatbelt.