You’ve done the hard part and initiated the "we need to talk" breakup convo. Though it was tough, you assumed that after the initial sadness was over, the two of you would go amicably on your separate ways. But then it begins: indirect digs on social media, telling mutual friends that you’re an awful person, two missed calls and a long voice note left at 2 am—despite your best efforts, you’re living rent-free in their head. You’ve got a lingering ex, and no idea what to do about it.
“Certain attachment styles can play out in the break-up of a relationship,” says Jo Coker, a psychologist and the director of therapy and training standards at the College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (COSRT). “For those whose attachment style is insecure, a breakup can be especially hard and they may find themselves struggling to cope, becoming ‘clingy,' and not wanting to let go.”
Others might react more spitefully as a way to protect their own pride. “When humans are hurt, often they will project their hurt and anger onto the perceived cause of the pain,” says Coker. “They are trying to make them feel their pain, and suffer for the hurt they have caused.”
Perhaps the most high-profile case of a potential lingering ex right now is the reported drama around Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez. After Gomez announced her engagement to producer Benny Blanco last December, people have been reading intently into Bieber’s social media activity—which included reposting a meme of Gollum from the Lord Of The Rings fawning over a ring, with the caption, "Girls on social media when they get engaged"—for signs that he’s trying to get Gomez’s attention over a decade after their relationship ended (and despite being married himself).
Being in the public eye means rumors can often spiral out of control: “[Justin and Selena’s] situation is compounded by being in the media and known to many millions of people who bear witness to the drama,” says Coker. “Having such a public breakup can be more painful, and social media can be a cruel place where people unknown to them make negative comments and interpretations which stir the emotional pool for the couple and makes the situation even more heightened.”
But it’s not just celebs who might have an unwelcome ghost of the past sticking around—and it can have a negative effect on the person trying to move on.
“A lingering ex who contacts unsolicited, either physically or by [online] messages, can make people feel very uncomfortable, which is why it is very important to be clear in a breakup and not to try and soften it too much to spare feelings,” says Coker.
It could also sabotage future romances. “A lingering ex can [make] a new partner feel there is ‘unfinished business,'” says Coker, “which may prevent the new relationship from taking off as they feel second-best.”
It’s worth noting that if behavior crosses the threshold from "annoying" to "harassment," it’s important that you treat it as such. Don't be afraid to call the police, 911, or VictimConnect (1-855-484-2846)—a referral help line that can help you make a safety plan. You can also call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
Five Clingy-Ex Scenarios and How to Deal, According to a Relationship Psychologist
So, how should you respond to an unwelcome but persistent figure from the past? We posed a few annoying-ex behaviors to Coker, and asked what might cause those actions and how to navigate them.
1. An ex who badmouths you to mutual friends.
Couples often meet through friends, which is great when things are going well—but when the relationship turns sour, this connection can become a source of tension.
“People are often hurt and may still love the person they have broken up with,” says Coker, “and they project this hurt and try to get validation of their position as the discarded partner by trying to convert others to their viewpoint [that you’re a bad person].”
The best response is to not respond at all. “I would rise above it and not engage, as engagement will just fuel it,” says Coker, adding that you can also ask friends not to entertain or pass on any further comments, too.
2. An ex who makes digs about you on social media.
“It is of course now easy to broadcast your pain and disgruntlement with an ex to a bigger audience,” says Coker.
If an ex is making comments on social media about you, it can be hard not to try and clear your name or argue back—but giving them the satisfaction of a reaction could encourage them to continue.
“Personally, if an ex is doing this, I would retreat from social media until time has passed and calm has been restored,” Coker suggests.
3. An ex who keeps messaging you "as a friend," but often crosses the line.
“Can you be friends with an ex? Yes—if you can respect that the past relationship has ended and not cross any lines,” says Coker. This is usually easiest after the relationship is completely over and the couple have had time to both move on.
“However, you cannot be friends with a person who crosses the lines when drunk,” says Coker. “[You have to] be very clear about any engagement that you will have.”
She also recommends examining this behavior in yourself. Are you being over-familiar or breaking any set boundary between the two of you by messaging and responding, yourself?
4. An ex who is still pining after you, and friends often bring them up, even when you have a new partner.
Sure, this is annoying. But, Coker suggests, take a beat and consider what the motivation behind your friends’ behavior might be.
While obviously not ideal—they were your friends first after all—it could be that they are feeling emotional themselves over the split. “Is it because they miss the person and wish the status quo to be maintained?” Jo asks.
While empathizing is important, and no one loves having to confront their friends, if the behavior continues, it might be time to have words.
“Otherwise, it is just very disrespectful,” says Coker. Not only to you, and to your friendship, but also “to the new partner, and will in time undermine the relationship. You need to raise this with friends and ask them to respect your decisions and move on”.
5. You are the new partner, and your partner’s ex won’t leave them alone.
Supporting your new partner as they deal with a lingering ex can be difficult—especially when you’re trying to enjoy what should be the fun and lightness of your new relationship.
“You have to ask yourself why your partner’s ex is doing this,” says Coker. “Is it because they have unfinished issues with the relationship and have not understood the relationship is over?”
It’s an uncomfortable thought. But if that is the case, unclear communication might be the issue. “Your partner needs to ensure they have been clear the relationship is over with the ex,” says Coker.
“Ultimately, if [their communication] continues, your relationship is likely to be undermined. Again, a break from social media can help give some space and stop the partner from becoming the ex’s audience.”
This dynamic can be complex. Remember: Try not to let your feelings and needs get lost amid the ongoing drama. And consider if the relationship is worth the complexities inherent within this lingering dynamic. Relationships are hard, but you’ll know if they’re worth it.
If you’re worried about an ex’s behavior, you should report it to the police, and can find support through the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
