As someone who’s experienced a wide range of Valentine’s Days—single and mad about it, single and relieved about it, in situationships, in a relationship—I’ve had my fair share of conflicting feelings about the world’s most commercialized holiday. But one thing has stayed the same year after year: Without fail, I am guaranteed to have at least one conversation with a (perfect, stunning, deserves-the-world) friend who’s in an ambiguously defined situationship she’d prefer was exclusive to the tune of, “I don’t know if they’re planning anything and I know we’re not official but I feel like maybe I…should get them…something for Valentine’s Day?!” And my answer is and always has been a soft version of “Absolutely TF not.” Do not give your situationship anything for Valentine’s Day. Listen to me. Put down your credit card. Let me explain.
I know it’s awkward. The most romantic day of the year is here and you and this person are and probably have been doing romantic things for months (at least three, to be specific). You’re in a relationship that’s not really a relationship and in this weird limbo between just hooking up and exclusivity, with all the pros and cons of all stages fully present and accounted for. It’s only natural that your inclination would be to get them something or celebrate together on the day of love—even if it’s just with a cheesy card or a nice gesture, like, IDK, a back massage or a sex thing.
Also, maybe you want to be celebrated on Valentine’s Day given you’ve spent a considerable amount of time and energy on (or at least thinking about) this person. But before you write a heartfelt love note, or spend money on themed candy, or cancel plans with your girlfriends for a date that you can’t guarantee is even happening—before you give of yourself emotionally—you’ve got to get on the same page. Which essentially goes against everything that a situationship is: unclear and confusing as hell.
“The modern-day situationship can feel like a conundrum,” says therapist and founder of Authentic Self Therapy Collective, Emily Powell, LMHC, LPC, NCC. “Whereas more explicitly defined relationships have clear boundaries and mutual understandings of how the relationship is structured, the situationship poses ambiguity and uncertainty.”
Look, I, too, have asked myself whether or not I should even mention Valentine’s Day to a situationship. And for better or worse, more often than not, the default reaction when it comes to Weird Relationship Things is to just not talk about them. Cosmo’s very own assistant news editor Sam Olson is also no stranger to this particular dynamic. When she was in a situationship circa V-Day last year, she was also confused as hell. “Because the relationship wasn’t defined, the vibe couldn’t be curated. It’s such a strange feeling,” she says. Not knowing what to expect or what her situationship expected, they avoided the topic altogether. “We danced around it, but that was our entire relationship.”
Let’s be honest, it can also be pretty damn scary to put yourself out there and not know how it’s going to be received. What if you get them something and they didn’t get anything for you? What if that uncovers a truth that’s hard to swallow: that maybe they’re less emotionally invested in you than you are in them? On the other hand, what if they got you something and you’re not prepared—is it wise, then, to have something in your back pocket? You know, “just in case”?
Associate sex and relationships editor Kayla Kibbe understands the urge to feel like you should get them something—because a situationship is so ambiguous, not despite it. “I think it probably has to do with wanting to ‘earn’ their love or ‘prove’ yours or even just expressing it without saying it,” she says. “Obviously in a situationship, you kind of know they don’t feel the same or at least that it’s risky to tell them how you feel, so getting them a gift seems like a safer way to tell them without telling them. It’s not! It’s literally much worse! But it feels safer and more chill.”
And while, yes, you could theoretically get them something to gauge how they’re feeling about it all, you also run the risk of putting yourself in an awkward situation where they’re left feeling blindsided or, at the very least, guilty they didn’t get you anything in return, says Powell. The safest way to play it is to abstain from gift-giving altogether and instead, use Valentine’s Day as an opportunity to vocalize (yes, vocalize!) what you actually want. This holiday isn’t a test! It’s a reason to order copious amounts of delivery sushi! Or, you know, celebrate the tried-and-true love you do have in your life—the love of your friends, your family, your community.
Besides, if you don’t talk about it, you might not realize that your situationship might actually…really wanna do Valentine’s Day with you, too. “Unfortunately, the people in our lives cannot read our minds,” says Powell. “They might have their own protective parts that worry, If I get them something, maybe they’ll end things, or I’ll be too much for them.” So challenge yourself to communicate openly about your expectations, she says. It can “illuminate your own needs—which, btw, are valid—and serve as a conversation about how all parties are feeling in the relationship.” But skip the gift-giving until you’ve had that conversation first—and that goes for birthdays, too, and other holidays like Christmas. (Pls don’t get your situationship something for Christmas.)
Remember: There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to do Valentine’s Day with your crush, but you deserve clarity and the kind of V-Day where there is no confusion or hesitation. If the casual nature of your relationship is working for you—and it often does for many people!—you can still have a nice Valentine’s Day where you know exactly what to expect, whether that’s a date with a dinner reservation or nothing at all. And if that’s the case, then maybe you should get a gift—a nice one—for your damn self.
