My rom-com girlies may recall that back in the 2010s, the concept of going “no strings attached” burst into public consciousness when Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher starred in a movie of the same name about being in a hookup-only friends-with-benefits sitch that eventually led to an exclusive relationship. The whole “catching feelings and living happily ever after” part is to be expected from a romantic comedy, right? Sure. But in real life, a no strings attached relationship probably isn’t going to end in a traditional monogamous partnership—and that’s completely okay! In fact, it’s kind of the point.
In most cases, the main expectation of a no strings attached (or NSA) relationship is to have a casual arrangement and keep it that way for the foreseeable future—not to start off casually and then leave the door open for something more romantic. People who pursue NSA relationships typically aren’t approaching them with the potential of a long-term commitment in mind or the idea of eventually falling in love.
Certified sex therapist Emily Jamea, PhD, author of Anatomy of Desire, explains that NSA dynamics don’t focus on the emotional “strings” that people normally prioritize in more traditional relationships. “A no strings attached relationship is when two people have a sexual connection, but don’t consider themselves romantically committed.”
Of course, like all relationship styles, NSA dynamics can take all kinds of forms, from casual fuck buddies to certain kinds of ethically non-monogamous partnerships to sugar dating arrangements and even good old-fashioned friendship (you know, with benefits). Which is to say that what exactly a no strings attached relationship looks like can vary depending on the situation and the individual needs, expectations, and desires of the people engaging in an NSA arrangement.
To help clear up what exactly “no strings attached” means in a relationship, what those relationships can look like, and whether or not an NSA dynamic is right for you, here’s everything to know about going no strings, according to experts.
What Does a No Strings Attached Relationship Look Like?
If casual dating were a spectrum, then an NSA relationship would be classified as more significant than a one-night-stand but less so than a “situationship.”
“You usually enter this sort of arrangement hoping you've found a somewhat reliable sex source whose desires and schedule align with yours, and your NSA sex partner(s) will be there for you when you need some NSA action,” explains Roslyn Hart (also known as Dr. Alex Schiller), writer and host of the live dating show, Never Sleep Alone.
Unlike traditional dating or courtship, NSA relationships don’t require the same kind of commitment, exclusivity, frequency of communication, or emotional support. However, that doesn’t automatically mean that NSA relationships can’t be intimate or romantic. If you’re having sex with someone, even in a casual context, you still deserve pleasurable experiences with a trusted partner who shows you care and respect.
“An NSA relationship is still a relationship,” says Hart. “And if you’re going to enter one and have casual sex with another human, you’d better set terms that work for you, and you’d better make damn sure everyone agrees to the terms before you start boning.”
Pros of an NSA Relationship
While society has taught us to idolize committed, romantic partnership as the “end goal” of our sex and dating lives, there are plenty of reasons why a no strings attached relationship may be a better fit for some folks, including...
The sexual chemistry is there, but the romantic chemistry isn’t
In a perfect world, everyone we encounter sexually would also be an ideal fit for us romantically. But let’s face it, a true romantic match can be hard to come by! Some people may not have the slightest bit of emotional chemistry, yet have off-the-charts sexual chemistry. “A no-strings-attached relationship can give people the opportunity to explore their sexuality without becoming romantically involved with someone they’re not ultimately a match for,” says Suzannah Weiss, resident sexologist for Biird and author of Subjectified: Becoming a Sexual Subject.
You’re too busy for a committed relationship
Some people’s work may require them to travel a lot, so they can’t be in one city long enough to sustain a long-term relationship. Others might be focusing on their studies and don’t want to be distracted. Or some folks may just not be prioritizing their love life at the moment for any number of reasons. Either way, “NSA relationships tend to work well when you are focused on and fulfilled by the non-sexual aspects of your life, and you just want to have occasional hot sex with somebody you trust,” says Hart.
You want to prioritize your sex life while still being single
Just because you’re single doesn’t mean you can’t keep things spicy, and NSA relationships can offer something in between swiping mindlessly through dating apps for a one-time hook-up and getting into a committed relationship. Consistent casual sex with the same person can help you explore sexually with a safe and trusted partner without feeling pressured to “settle down” or hop on the relationship escalator.
What Are the Cons of an NSA Relationship?
Of course, while a no strings attached relationship absolutely can be the right move in some cases, there are some potential cons worth considering before you commit to a no-stings thing.
You might wind up catching feelings
Sure, having mind-blowing sex with someone without commitment might seem simple at first, but falling for them in the process is a possibility. While catching feels for your NSA FWB is definitely not the inevitability a certain aforementioned rom-com would like you to believe, it can happen—especially if you’re prone to romantic infatuation or know that, deep down, you’re actually looking for something more serious.
It might be harder to manage expectations
While setting and respecting boundaries is still crucial in NSA relationships, this dynamic is, by nature, often more fluid and less clearly defined than a traditional partnership. This can make it more difficult to know what to expect from the relationship and to anticipate how it might make make you feel.
“Trial and error is the only way to know for sure whether this relationship style works for you,” explains Jamea. At first, you might enjoy the freedom that comes in the absence of commitment only to realize that you still require a stronger sense of intimacy, even if a long-term relationship isn’t what you want.
You might get jealous
If you’re not exclusive with someone, then you have to accept the possibility that they will be sleeping with other people. People tend to make the mistake of assuming that they and their fuck buddy are exclusive just because they have a strong connection with each other. That’s why Weiss advises that NSA partnrs “discuss exactly what the terms of the relationship are and how each person sees the relationship” to avoid any disappointment or drama.
Other Factors to Keep in Mind Before Entering a NSA Relationship
Attachment Style
We often overlook how attachment styles can unexpectedly influence a casual relationship dynamic. Cheryl Groskopf, a dual-licensed marriage & family therapist and professional clinical counselor, explains that people with an anxious attachment style might find themselves seeking constant reassurance and more communication from an avoidant partner.
“When their NSA partner doesn’t respond as frequently or emotionally, the anxious individual may mistake their own need for approval and connection as deeper feelings,” Groskopf clarifies. “This can lead to heightened anxiety and confusion, as they interpret the lack of response as a sign of disinterest or rejection, rather than understanding it as part of the avoidant attachment style.”
Orgasm Gap
ICYMI, the orgasm gap is a phenomenon that describes the difference in frequency of orgasms achieved during sex between men and women. Specifically, straight women are much less likely to orgasm during sex than men (surprise, surprise). Moreover, research shows that high-quality sex is less likely to happen for women in uncommitted sexual relationships than women in committed relationships. Unfortunately, the respect, care, and attention many women need from a male partner in order to have a fulfilling sexual experience is more likely to be prioritized in committed relationships than in casual hookups. Should this be the case? Absolutely not. So don’t be afraid to advocate for your pleasure, communicate your boundaries, and ask for what you want from a partner, regardless of how casual your situation is.
How to Have a Healthy NSA Relationship
First and foremost, get as clear as you can (with yourself first and then with your fling) about what you want out of the arrangement, what you don’t want, and why. Make sure your choices are active and embodied decisions, says NYC-based relationship therapist Stephanie Manes, ones that aren’t driven by fear or external pressure. (Like, for example, the fear of losing someone by not agreeing to keep things NSA when really you want something more serious.)
If you’ve done all the introspecting and made sure that an NSA dynamic is what you really want, then you and your no-strings fling “should make sure you are both on the same page in terms of needs and expectations,” Manes says. “There should be an honest dialogue about what you both envision.”
Manes also suggests that part of said honest conversation should focus on sexual safety, birth control, barrier methods, and STIs. It’s important to ask each other about the last time each of you has been tested and whether or not you’re sexually active with other partners. It could also be wise to discuss whether or not you’ll let the other know if you do start sleeping with other people. While that may seem like an awkward conversation to have, it’s better to ask questions first and then get naked later.
Speaking of awkwardness, you may have to mentally prepare yourself for the likelihood that at least one person in a NSA dynamic may eventually desire a more romantic, committed relationship. Fun fact: this reality is so common that it’s been studied. A 2011 study published in the Journal of Sex Research interviewed 411 adults who were in a friends-with-benefits (FWB) arrangement about what they hoped would come of their dynamic in the future—which could mean keeping the FWBs dynamic, shifting to a romantic relationship, going back to being just friends, or having no relationship at all. Results showed that nearly 1 in 4 men and 2 in 5 women expressed hope that their NSA arrangement would eventually involve some romantic strings.
It’s up to you and your partner to decide if you want to discuss this possibility ahead of time or cross that bridge if/when you get to it. “You might want to make it clear from the outset that you will be responsible for your own feelings and do what's needed to protect yourself,” Manes says.
Weiss suggests making an agreement that you will tell each other. “If you feel romantically toward someone and they don’t feel it back, it’s better for you to know sooner so that you don’t get too attached and can focus on finding someone with whom the feelings are reciprocal.”
Remember, transparency isn’t reserved for committed relationships. No matter how your relationship is set up, it’s important to manage your expectations and communicate your needs with care and respect for the other person’s feelings.
What to Do When a NSA Relationship Runs Its Course
They say all things come to an end, and that’s especially likely with NSA relationships. Because, in most cases, they aren’t meant to last forever in the first place.
“The most important thing in an NSA relationship is honesty. Never be afraid to examine and express your true feelings, and never be afraid to admit if your needs and desires change,” says Hart.
Sometimes one person wants more than the other. Sometimes you get lucky and the relationship runs its course naturally without any drama. Either way, communication is key.
And, as Hart notes, “There are many beautiful people in this world who can give you the intimacy, frequency, and connection you crave.” So if and when your NSA relationship reaches an end, don’t waste time pining over someone who is no longer aligned with you. Instead, be glad that you have a fresh opportunity to meet a new person who can match your freak and match your needs.
