Chances are everyone’s been on the receiving end of mixed signals at some point or another. You meet someone, hit it off, they express interest, and then things suddenly start to feel dicey. They drop off the face of the planet, text sporadically, and there’s no pattern to their communication as they string you along with mixed signals. Similar behaviors can also come from, say, an ex you’re looking to reconnect with, or that one-time situationship that you’re not totally sure can turn into a real relationship.
In a dating world where ghosting and staggered replies are unfortunately more than common, it’s hard to ascertain whether someone is truly busy, really going through something, or just not interested. Maybe they’re indecisive or bad at communicating their needs. Or perhaps they’re keeping you on the hook, potentially taking advantage of your affection for them. But at the end of the day, no matter the reason, you don’t—and shouldn’t!—have to stick around and hope that the person you’re into will give you what you deserve, which is clear communication from the start.
Sex and relationship coach Ann Nguyen explains that most people put out mixed signals due to an inner conflict with themselves. “This may be conscious or subconscious, but either way—it’s important for you to know that dealing with those mixed signals isn’t something you have to do.”
Here, we break down what mixed signals actually are: How long do you wait? How do you ask them for clarity? And when do you know it’s time to move on? We tapped experts to learn how to interpret all this and more, and how exactly to respond.
What Are Mixed Signals?
Sex coach Portia Brown defines mixed signals as “messages or behaviors that are unclear or inconsistent, making it difficult to understand what someone is truly thinking or feeling.”
We all get busy, and one-off incidents, like forgetting to respond during a hectic week, are normal. But the key to recognizing mixed signals lies in identifying when there’s a pattern. For example:
- There is constant misalignment in their words and actions. They tell you they want to see you on Friday night for dinner, but don’t really make an effort to reply to your messages or set up a specific time.
- They sporadically respond at least a couple of times a week, making it hard for you to predict if and when they’ll reply.
- They only reach out when they have something to benefit from the interaction, whether it be sex or something else.
Someone who demonstrates repeated behaviors like this might not be a person you want to invest time and effort into. Whether it’s a friendship, romantic partnership, or during sex, it’s important to trust that your partner’s words and actions match, because ultimately, that’s how you build trust.
Examples of Mixed Signals
We consulted the experts for a list of behaviors that demonstrate mixed signals, and what they look like in the wild. The most common one? When they say they want to hang out but never make the plans to actually do so. Others include:
- Saying they don’t want anything serious but wanting to introduce you to their family.
- Saying they’re ready for a committed relationship, but not showing up with the emotional or physical consistency necessary to build that relationship.
- Sending a text message every now and then to keep your attention, even after they’ve said they aren’t available for dating consistently or furthering your relationship.
- Showing a desire to connect, but their body language feels closed off.
- Saying they’re down to hang out, but never following through on making plans.
- Being friendly when you’re in person, but ignoring texts or calls when you try to reach out for connection.
- Being absent until they hear that something exciting or interesting is going on in your life.
- Exclusively hitting you up on social media and responding to random Stories or posts, but never replying to your texts.
- Engaging in sex but not really being present or receptive to you.
- Shifting, lack of eye contact, or being distracted while you’re on a date—almost like they said yes to the meet-up, but they no longer want to be there.
Why People Give Mixed Signals
The psychology of mixed signals is one to be studied. How do you know if someone means well, but just has poor boundaries or doesn’t know how to communicate? Brown notes that “people might give mixed signals because they're afraid of being rejected. They may try to keep their options open or avoid committing to avoid getting hurt.” She says they could also just be unsure of what they want, and/or unaware of how their actions affect others.
Nguyen agrees, adding that some inconsistencies in communication can be due to trauma, wounding, or a coping mechanism they’ve learned in their lives.
Either way, mixed signals are a disservice to both parties. They don’t contribute to building meaningful relationships and might signal that they, or both of you, aren’t ready for a relationship—that maybe it’s not quite meant to be. This could be a mismatch in time, emotions, or interest.
On the other hand, Nguyen says that many people give mixed signals because they’ve been taught that they have to lie or manipulate others to get their needs met, or they may not know what their real needs are. For example, an ex who only hits you up when they hear from a friend that you’re doing well and dating other people. They don’t really want to date you, but they don’t want anyone else to have you either. (A real menace to society.) They might truly be deceptive by nature, or have just been taught from past trauma or experiences that this is how you find love. The truth? If you need to manipulate or play games to get someone to date you, then the relationship you’re entering is never going to be authentic or truly meaningful.
How to Respond to Mixed Signals
Brown says it’s important to pay attention to your gut. If something feels off or inconsistent, trust yourself and acknowledge those feelings. Simply acknowledging with empathy that someone may not be the one can help you move on.
If they consistently let you down, try sending something like:
- I’m not sure that I’m the right person you're looking for at this moment
- I’m looking for a partner who is responsive and open to proactively making plans to meet with me.
If thing were going well in the beginning, but it feels like they suddenly dropped off the face of the Earth in making future plans, it’s worth checking in one last time with something like:
- Hi. It seems like you were hot and heavy in the beginning, and now I’m not hearing from you as much. I really value being up front, honest, and clear in communication with people I’m in relationship with/dating. Is that something you’re available for?
If they’re texting and not really making plans, reach out and be clear that while it’s fun to interact with them online, you’re here for IRL connection. Nguyen suggests:
- Hey, I’m noticing we’re texting a lot, and I appreciate your care and reaching out to see how my day’s going, but there’s very little planning for us to meet in person. I’m really looking for someone I can get to know in person and go on dates with. Is that something you’re available for?
Ultimately, it’s up to you to decide how to deal with mixed signals. We know it’s easier said than done, especially when real feelings are involved, but don’t be afraid to stand in your power and communicate your needs. You deserve to date someone who not only meets those needs, but who goes above and beyond to make you feel valued and loved. The best way to find that person (or people) is to let go of what’s holding you back.
