I’ve never been much of a true crime girlie, except when it comes to The Bachelor. (Yeah, what they put those girls through is criminal.) These smart, sexy women shouldn’t be killing themselves over a day trader named Grant—even if he is an emotionally available heart throb with a perfect smile. No man is worth the drama!

All of this and more is why we as a collective audience need to stop letting ourselves be fooled by “the romance” and recognize the show for what it is: a reality television competition game show, á la Survivor, except the challenge is “act like you’re there for the right reasons”— a tougher puzzle than even Jeff Probst could design. Ultimately, you either get a rose, or you’re out.

No you’re wrong! They’re there to find love!, you say. First off, don’t yell at me. Second, it’s obvious that everyone who’s there is in it for the prize, that prize being the hearts of viewers nationwide, 500K new Instagram followers, and either a hot fiancé or a slot on another show in the franchise.

Though I’ve never actually been on the show, I’ve spent decades developing a winning strategy with my cat from my couch. They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert in something, and I’ve certainly marathoned that much as a member of Bachelor Nation since 2014’s cursed Juan Pablo season, so duh, you can trust me.

(Should you take any of this seriously…don’t.) (Unless, a producer serendipitously slides into your DMs inviting you to audition. In that case, and if you want to win, you’re going to listen to me.)

Step 1: Pre-Show Training

Before you even set foot in Malibu, choose your emotional backstory. What are you overcoming? What would you tell your therapist? When you don’t know what to say during one-on-one time, this is the topic you’ll fall back on.

And don’t forget to prep TF out of your family and friends for hometowns. You won’t get to talk to them for three months, so they need to be on their A-game. This is a team effort. You are only as strong as your weakest player. I’m talking about you, Dad, who doesn’t “believe in the process.”

Step 2: Master Your Limo Entrance

You get one chance to make a first impression, so make it count. Your introductory bit should be charming and not too over the top. The goal is to get this man to remember your name. He’s meeting 30+ contestants tonight and three of them are named Ashley!

Look, could you do something ridiculous like wear an animal costume (it’s giving furry, go off!) or come out in a hard hat while driving a bulldozer and say, “I always use protection?” Sure, and that’s a great way to get to Paradise, which counts as placing in my book. But we’re aiming higher than that. Those girls get cut after a few weeks and don’t even make it abroad—a hard L if you ask me.

Step 3: Get Through Night One

You have two goals: Stay the fuck awake and get a first kiss. You don’t even need to aim for the First Impression Rose (flattering but not essential).

How do you stay awake? You gossip, which is conveniently the best way to bond with your competitors. If you’re the girl who can describe what’s going on in your interviews for the at-home audience, you’re golden. The producers need you to make it make sense!

As for that first kiss, well, you’re going to “steal him for a second” (game literally on!) sometime before the sun comes up, but not so early that he hasn’t had a beer or two. Be earnest about being nervous, touch knees, and give him the “kiss me eyes.” You trained for this. Then accept your first rose and on to the next round of gameplay.

Step 4: Resist Being the Drama

These girls are going to be your friends for life (read: when you’re all invited on influencer trips to Stagecoach until you die). So, you’re not going to start drama! Will it get you to Paradise? Yes, but the girl with the villain edit gets absolutely demolished at The Women Tell All (pack a bulletproof vest to match your Revolve dress) and won’t get a redemption arc until she’s made it to Mexico, maybe. And even then, she’s probably getting cut after a few episodes. Strive for the full vacation, babe.

Plus, we have limited resources in this game—you only have the suitcases you packed. More friends, more supplies.

Step 5: Mastering the Group Date

Your only group-date goal: Getting one-on-one time with the Bachelor. Producers are going to make you do a dumb activity—a talent show, painting class, ropes course, whatever. Do your best, don’t be gimmicky, and just be yourself. If you have the acting chops to successfully fake an injury, and it’s a sports-related activity, definitely do that. You don’t have to get sweaty and do the sport (ew), and you get sympathy from the Bachelor who will be thinking about you the rest of the group date. Perfect.

Your time to shine is at the cocktail party after the event. Don’t sleep on stealing him away because if you don’t get a moment alone with him, you’re going home! And don’t go in for a kiss unless it’s actually private. Using a kiss as your “talent” or getting a kiss when the other girls are about to tackle you in flag football is tacky (and dangerous, they’ll actually tackle you in a mean way). Villain edit.

Step 6: The Dreaded Two-on-One

Expect the best but prepare for the worst, and the worst is a two-on-one knockout round. Pull out your best dress because it’s literally life or death.

The girl who cries on this date is the one who’s going home, so do not be the one who cries. Usually crying is a good thing (see the one-on-one below). But in this case, be the competitor who’s having fun for an advantage. If you’ve been playing correctly, the other girl is the one who’s “here for drama,” and she’ll inevitably mess up by being rude to you in front of the Bachelor, turning him off and getting her ass sent home in a helicopter. Mission accomplished.

Step 7: Slay the One-on-One Date

Finally, your name’s on the one-on-one card (in that perfect girly handwriting that the Bachelor defiiiiiiinitely wrote himself). LFG! Be easy, breezy, beautiful, Covergirl during the daytime activity, then hit him with the waterworks at dinner. (Enter: the emotional backstory.) Your vulnerability will win you a rose and a romantic dance under fireworks to a random band that no one’s ever heard of.

If you’ve been #blessed with the shopping date, you’re officially the one to beat, bitch.

Step 8: Make Your Hometown Date One to Remember

Hometowns are where the game gets real. The strategy is to convince this man that where you grew up is actually awesome, and it’d be a great place to visit for Christmas every year…it’s easier in New Orleans than it is in Omaha (no offense). Do something on the water, with animals, or worst case, just get hammered on beer flights at the local brewery.

Then bring it home (literally) with your family dinner that night. Hopefully your team (parents, siblings, random aunt) has integrated their coaching and will be ready to hype you up. Closing move: Your dad’s blessing—The Bachelor equivalent of a touchdown.

Step 9: Fantasy Suites

There are three of you left, you’re in a tropical location, it’s hot and horny…

Your strategy here? Raw pheromones. Have sex, ideally three times in a windmill (maybe four). You deserve it.

A few hours later, when the cameras are off and you’re cuddling in said windmill, make a real game plan about where you’ll move after the show (NYC or LA obviously, now that you’re both big deal influencers). And then decide whether you can actually be with this person…for the contractual two year engagement it takes to keep the Neil Lane diamond ring.

Step 10: Re-Define “Winning”

It’s officially time to stop and think about what victory looks like here.

Are you actually into the Bachelor? It’s okay if you’re not. Why is he making you compete for his affection? Kinda sounds like he has an avoidant attachment style. Maybe he should speak to a therapist instead of Jesse Palmer. That’s why in my opinion, third place goes to the girl who gets the Final Rose. Congrats, hope it lasts.

Second place goes to the girls who made it to Hometowns (got plenty of stage time in front of America) and then go to Paradise to meet the loves of their lives (or at least hook up with whatever hotties they want). You played well, and you will be rewarded with infinite tequila shots (okay, fine, two per hour) and The Bachelor’s equivalent of the Olympic Village… all the best players fucking in one place.

Finally, first place goes to the girl who becomes the next Bachelorette and has 30 hot singles competing for her heart. Hurt people hurt people. You don’t even need to make it to Hometowns! You just need one really big move, so get creative—an impassioned speech tying in your personal story to how you’ve become the woman you are today; one who’s ready for love, dammit, against all odds! That could do it. (Bonus points if you give it when the Bachelor is leaving you for someone else. That’s the special sauce.) (But never, ever say out loud that you want to be the Bachelorette. Too thirsty.)

Alternatively, your game plan varies if you’re in the Final Two. If you want the Final Rose (dating is reallllly hard in the real world), take matters into your own hands and just propose to the Bachelor. If you want to be the Bachelorette, get ready to give the speech of your life, and at the very least you’ll make it to Paradise.

So, Bachelor producers, if you want to see a real prodigy dunk on the other girls, put me in. I’m ready…once I take off these sweatpants and put away my chips.