“I’ve got the perfect guy,” Marie says to Sally after her breakup in When Harry Met Sally. “I don’t happen to find him attractive, but you might.” If you’ve watched the movie, you know Sally’s not interested—she just got out of a relationship and has the same question Jess asks Harry later on in the film: “If she’s so great, why don’t you go out with her?”
That’s just what 24-year-old Jisu Choi’s friend Becca Smith*, 25, thought when Jisu set her up with Ryan Cooper*, 26, who Jisu herself had recently met on Bumble. “I get the sense you’re not super interested in me,” Ryan texted Jisu after their first date. “I was wondering if you’d be interested in meeting my friend.” Jisu said yes, and even though they didn't click, she returned the favor by setting Ryan up with Becca. They hit it off and have been seeing each other ever since.
If you’re not already rejecting and referring—connecting a friend with a date who was great but who you didn't really vibe with—let this be your sign to start. In an age of swiping fatigue and dating burnout, it’s hard enough to find someone who’s cool (and not a walking red flag), even if you don’t necessarily have romantic chemistry. Why not keep a diamond in the rough in your inner circle by setting them up with a single friend with whom it could work out?
I know what you’re thinking: This has the potential to get real awkward, real quick. And you’re right—but it doesn’t have to if everyone is consenting and mature. Besides, recommending a “failed” date to a friend (as long as you can vouch for them) is an actionable way to show you really do mean it when you say “It’s not you, it’s me—so much so that I think you should meet this other amazing person who I love!” If it works out between them, you get bragging rights for the rest of your life, and nothing feels better than knowing you helped two wonderful people fall head over heels in love.
So, how do you do it in a way that conveys your true intentions and doesn’t feel like kind of…a hand-off? We tapped dating experts for answers.
Why Should You Reject-and-Refer?
Dating influencer Anna Kai (@maybeboth on TikTok and Instagram) sees the practicality of reject-and-refer. “There are countless dates I went on and thought, You’re a really good guy, you’re not unattractive, I can't figure out why I don't feel it,” she says. “People think, I don't like him, therefore, no one will. But you have to take a step away from your own criteria.”
Why? Because reject-and-refer actually works. Just ask Sarah Jager, 31, who set up Dave Mosen*, 28, with her friend Sara Rose, 32. “We went for drinks and he was super sweet,” Jager recalls of her date with Dave. “But as he was talking about his interests, I realized they were the same as Sara’s. The whole date, I just kept talking about Sara.”
Jager gave Dave Sara’s phone number. The two bonded over their shared passion for hiking and rock collecting. This year, they had their first child together. “[Jager] and I think about each other,” Sara says. “I would do it for her too, because I love her. It made me feel even better that she’d already gone out with him.”
Back in 1995, as teens, Denise Campilio, now 44, went on a date with the late Dan Fitzgerald after meeting him at their local record store. “We hit it off as friends but there was no spark,” Denise recalls. “So he said, ‘You know what? I’d like to introduce you to my neighbor.’” The next day, Dan put Denise on the phone with Jason Cora, also now 44, and the two talked for hours. Denise and Jason have been married for 24 years and have two adult children.
“[In this case], your friend has already interviewed them,” Denise says. “If I know my friend sees something in someone she thinks will work with me, why not give it a shot?”
How to Reject-and-Refer Respectfully
Although reject-and-refer can make for a lifelong match, proceed with caution. Moe Ari Brown, LMFT, Love and Connection Expert at Hinge, says to hold off if you’ve been physically intimate with your date in any way. (A lifetime of awkward Friendsgivings? No thanks.) And be sure to give yourself enough time to explore a potential connection with them before referring them to a friend. You don’t want to end up feeling jealous or regretful.
Make sure that when you do pass on a date, it’s because you’re logistically incompatible—for example, one of you wants kids and the other doesn’t—or because you liked them as a person, but just don’t feel any chemistry or physical attraction. The key to a successful referral is that they’re overall fantastic, just not quite the right fit for you.
Before playing matchmaker, check in with the friend you have in mind and have a strong argument as to why they’d be more compatible with your date than you were. What do they have in common? Do they have similar values and goals? Think carefully about who you recommend—don’t just drop your date’s Insta in your group chat and hope someone shows interest. Really think about their qualities before going out to someone specific.
If your friend is down, then talk to your date. Rejecting someone is always difficult, but it’s important to be able to do so intentionally and separately from offering your date a set-up. “Hype them up and give them a lot of compliments,” Brown says. “Let your date know all the ways you think they’re amazing and why you think they should meet your friend. This will help them feel encouraged after receiving the news that you don’t want to continue pursuing the connection.”
And don’t try to soften it by saying something vague like, “I have a friend I think you’d hit it off with even more than me” Brown says. Rather, ask if they would like to connect with your friend, explain why you love them and why you think they’d work. Once they agree, you’re free to give them each other’s numbers and let them handle the rest.
If it doesn’t work out, NBD, you did what you could. But if it does? Congratulations! You just introduced two soulmates. Look at you, you little Cupid you.
*Names have been changed.
