When I first discovered polyamory roughly a decade ago, there were two quintessential books (nearly) every non-monogamous person swore by—The Ethical Slut by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton, and More than Two by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert. I quickly devoured both, and armed with my newfound knowledge, I started practicing polyamory. I made mistakes along the way but did (and still do) my best to learn from my partners and communicate my needs.
For years, my polyamorous life was considered kind of “out there.” It wasn’t as normalized as it is today, as ethical non-monogamy has entered the cultural zeitgeist. It’s on TV (Couple to Throuple, Sex Education), in movies (Professor Marston and the Wonder Women), and most recently, online in both The New York Times and New York Magazine.
As a polyamorous person who’s written extensively about non-monogamy (multiple chapters in my book, Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto, are dedicated to it), I think this increased visibility is, for the most part, fantastic. It normalizes alternative ways to have meaningful, loving relationships. But one troubling trend that’s come with this increased visibility is the idea that polyamory takes “a lot” of work—that it comes with stress, anxiety, overwhelm, and a need to “live life on hard mode.” The idea that everything is more complicated, that you have to vocalize every thought, and that you have to be superhumanly in touch with your emotions and “do the work” it takes to succeed in polyamory.
I’m sorry, but no. Life, in general, is hard enough, just turn on the news. The last thing any of us need is for our relationships to be complicated, and polyamory is no exception. What people don’t seem to get is that non-monogamy doesn’t have to be that much more complicated than monogamy. If it were, I wouldn’t have been doing it for this long.
Don’t get me wrong, like in any relationship, polyamory comes with challenges. You’ll probably experience jealousy and get consumed by emotions at the beginning. And because you’re dating, loving, and boning multiple people, yes, you’ll have to have more talks about your feelings. Your communication skills need to be on point. But it does not have to be life on hard mode. And if it is, the relationship dynamic or arrangement you’re in is probably not for you.
Claiming that polyamory is overly difficult is damaging. It discourages people from exploring it because it makes it sound exhausting and normalizes a level of unhealthy complexity that feels like, for lack of a better word, drama.
If a poly relationship still feels unnecessarily hard after a few months of trying to make it work, that probably means you should try something different—again, just like anyone in a monogamous relationship would. And that’s okay! Break up and enter a different polycule or arrangement. Date people who want the same things you do. Find the thing that feels right and easy, because ultimately, that’s how a relationship should feel, no matter the structure.
There’s also nothing wrong with just being monogamous. Curious folks will dabble in polyamory because it’s having a moment—all of their friends are doing it, so why can’t they? It’s also easy to be drawn to the scene for reasons unrelated to actually being poly. It’s a more reflective, sex-positive, kinky counterculture. But you can love these elements of poly culture and not actually want your boyfriend to go on dates with other people. You don’t have to be poly to have poly friends, or be sex positive, or practice kink. Admitting it’s just not for you might be the healthiest thing you can do if it doesn’t feel natural, or if the pros just aren’t worth the cons.
Too often, I’ve seen people drive themselves nuts because they think stress, anxiety, and constant jealousy are just “part” of being poly, that it's supposed to be hard, and it's not. I would know—I’ve been at this for awhile and my best relationships have been the easiest. When you’re with the right people, it should flow. When you communicate, respect each other’s boundaries, give each other freedom and trust, it should feel easy. When you're able to bring up issues calmly and resolve them with openness, you can move on quickly and get back to what makes polyamory so great.
To be fair, it took failing in a lot of other relationships to get here. I have indeed experienced poly “life on hard mode,” and frankly, it was turning me off from being poly. I was getting close to just being in an open relationship, meaning my primary partner and I would only date each other, but we’d still fuck other people casually. That idea just felt easier, and I thought I had to give up on polyamory for my relationships to be easy.
Turns out, they can be when you find the right dynamic. I’m fortunate to have found a partner who’s incredibly secure. And while I know it might take time to find the right fit, it’s worth it. If polyamory is really right for you, you can have a relationship that won’t drain you of all your emotional energy—one that’ll feed you and make you feel loved, and whole. And I think that is something everyone, regardless of relationship style, deserves.
