Is it fair to say that we’ve reached peak poly? Nearly half of dating-age Gen Zers are open to a non-monogamous setup, according to a recent Tinder survey. Sixty-two percent say that they’ve actively fantasized about being in an open relationship, per a Feeld x Kinsey Institute poll. (The latter also found up to 80 percent of millennials, Gen Xers, and boomers fantasizing about the same.) And data aside, it honestly seems like everyone is suddenly talking about or curious to try polyamory.
Of course, the practice of having multiple partners at the same time isn’t exactly new, but the way it’s evolving, especially when it comes to its lexicon, is. Hence the importance of this handy cheat sheet for keeping you up to date. Below, 10 key polyamory terms you may not be familiar with, but are definitely going to want to know.
Oh, and because we’ve been in the game of breaking down all things non-monogamy since before it was cool (not to brag but also totally to brag), you can find full-fledged explainers on many of these terms linked below, in case you wanna do some extra credit.
1. Polycule
The network of relationships created by multiple interrelated polyamorous connections—so if you’re dating Dev, who’s in a primary partnership with Emma, and Emma is also dating Mel, who has a primary partner of her own named Leo, then Dev, Emma, Mel, and Leo are all part of your polycule, even if you personally are only dating Dev or even if he’s the only one you’ve ever met (yes, a mouthful, and why this guide is needed). Some polycules operate as a friend group. Others consist largely of strangers, and still others fall somewhere in between.
2. Metamour
Your partner’s other partner. If you’re dating Jack and Jack is also dating Jill, then Jill is your metamour. Some metamours are close friends, some are casual acquaintances, and some never even meet. Most people use the term to describe a person they are not also dating or otherwise sexually involved with, although some metamours do hook up with each other—the same way members of a friend group might.
3. Kitchen Table Polyamory
You, your partner, your partner’s other partner, and any other partners of partners all hang
out together as friends, regardless of who is or isn’t sleeping with whom, says Cosmo’s ‘Navigating Non-Monogamy’ columnist, Zachary Zane, author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto. This is distinct from other polyamorous situations in which metamours rarely (if ever) interact, which brings us to...
4. Garden Party Polyamory
Similar to the kitchen table kind but a tad less cozy. In a garden party scenario, metamours are cool with sometimes hanging out in big groups on special occasions but don’t form close friendships or see each other all that regularly.
5. Parallel Polyamory
A more compartmentalized approach where parallel poly practitioners keep their relationships separate. Metamours are aware of each other’s existence but never meet, says Zane.
6. Hierarchical Non-Monogamy
A dynamic in which some connections are considered more significant than others. Example: A couple opens their relationship but maintains a primary partnership with each other that takes precedence over any other romantic or sexual encounters they pursue on the side.
7. Relationship Anarchy
Coined by Andie Nordgren in a pamphlet in 2006, relationship anarchy—or RA— is a relationship style in which there are no rules or expectations other than the ones the people in the relationship decide upon. Basically, tossing traditional societal ideas of what relationships “should be” and defining them for yourself, with your partner(s), however you damn please.
8. Solo Polyamory
When someone has multiple romantic or sexual connections without “sharing” their life with a partner. They are committed to their single status and may consider themselves their own primary partner, avoiding nesting behaviors like moving in together or merging finances, says sex psychotherapist Gigi Engle. Even so, they may still forge deeply meaningful, often romantically significant, relationships as opposed to “just hooking up” or casually dating.
9. Unicorn Quad
When four partners are all in relationships with one another—named for how rarely this actually happens IRL, says sex educator Leanne Yau, founder of the blog Poly Philia. Other kinds of quads do exist, but not everyone is necessarily dating everyone else. Some non-unicorn ones may include two couples who partner swap or partners who are dating more of their fellow quad members than others are.
10. Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell
“As a therapist, I don’t recommend DADT agreements,” says Engle of this policy in which non-monogamous couples have sex outside their relationships but agree to keep it a secret. “They are often an attempt to avoid difficult feelings that tend to come out later and cause fractures in relationships.”
