Ever Wonder What Goes Down at a Swingers Resort?

I’ve always loved a good sex party. When I started going in my mid-20s, I found myself naked in the middle of some orgy with new people nearly every weekend. At first, I attended for sexy, casual encounters, but I was pleasantly surprised by the community I found—a group of sex-positive, open-minded individuals, many of whom I still call my best friends today.

In 2019, I was invited (as press) to Hedonism II, a swingers resort in Jamaica. Thanks to my sex party experiences, I thought I knew what to expect, but in reality, I didn’t have a clue. Swingers, I discovered, are a totally different breed, and I found their norms to be vastly different from those among my bi, poly, sex party friends. Not better or worse—just different. Now, five years and countless swingers resorts and parties later, I feel fully enmeshed in swinger culture (aka “the lifestyle”) and identify as one myself, embracing the label contrary to many millennials and Gen-Zers who might avoid it. Why? Because with time, swingers spaces have become places where I can fully express myself, meet folks from all walks of life, and—let’s be real—have a ton of sex.

If it wasn’t already obvious, I’m a big fan of swingers resorts, and I believe that anyone curious about the experience should have it. But there’s more to them than group sex and unlimited piña coladas. Attendees should be well-prepared, especially if you’re new to open relationships, swinging, or if you’ve never been to a sex party before. Hence, this everything-to-know guide to swingers resorts—an inside take, if you will, from a sex and relationships writer (check out my column, Navigating Non-Monogamy, here at Cosmo!) whose attendance record spans half a decade. Because trust me, there’s a lot to know.

Who Usually Goes to Swingers Resorts?

A 2018 study published in the journal Culture, Health, and Sexuality, titled “Changes in the Swinging Lifestyle: a US National and Historical Comparison,” analyzed data from self-identified swingers from the 1980s and compared it to data from 2016. “Compared to the non-swinging population, swingers were more likely to be Caucasian, younger, educated, wealthy, and more satisfied with their marriage and sex life,” the authors wrote.

My personal experience is somewhat aligned with these findings. At the resorts I’ve been to, most attendees have been predominantly white, and a weeklong stay can cost thousands of dollars, so the “wealthy” part also tracks. However, the study’s claim about swingers being “younger” doesn’t always ring true. At 33, I often find myself among the youngest attendees, with the average age typically around 50 and most participants in their 40s to early 70s.

Authors from the study also wrote that swingers were skewing more Democrat in 2016 than they did in the ’80s, but honestly, I can’t confirm. At every swingers event I’ve attended, it feels like there’s been an unspoken rule that we do not talk about politics because you have no freakin’ clue if the person you’re talking to is a die-hard Trump supporter or went door-to-door for Kamala. Maybe a few times, politics have come up in hushed tones because they correctly suspect I vote blue. But the conversation is brief, and we move along to who we’re hoping to connect with (aka fuck) within a minute. So, without a doubt, people from all sides of the political spectrum are present. (It turns out sex is the great unifier.)

As for the claim that married couples who attend swingers resorts are “more satisfied with their sex lives”? It certainly seems so to me, and in fact, it’s one of the most inspiring aspects to witness—how deeply in love swingers say they are with their spouses and how fulfilling their sex lives seem as a couple. Ironically, those I’ve spoken to say their ability to explore sexually with others only enhances their intimacy. Many swingers I’ve met have also been married for many years; they know each other inside and out, which can help mitigate jealousy.

How Much Do Swingers Resorts Cost?

It ranges. An all-inclusive package with a lifestyle group like Tom’s Trips often includes required lodging at the resort. You’ll probably spend the most on airfare, which you buy separately. Other lifestyle groups do resort “takeovers” just for the week, and when that’s the case, you can go to all the parties and events at the resort but sleep somewhere else nearby if you wish. (Not a bad way to save money!) If you’re going the all-inclusive route, they often force you to book a minimum number of days—usually at least three—and packages include unlimited alcohol, meals, and spa access.

For example, depending on the type of room you get at Hedonism II, it can run you roughly $500 to $1000 a night. (The more expensive rooms come with their own hot tub and beachfront views.)

What Else Is There to Do Besides Have Sex?

Swingers resorts will often offer optional activities you can do during the day, like volleyball or clothing-optional pool parties. Most resorts also offer workshops, like beginner’s classes on anal sex (which I’ve taught!). These activities create a fun summer-camp atmosphere, but the real appeal is that you tend to see the same group of people each time you go, so maybe only once or twice a year. Just as you had special connections with camp friends, you develop unique relationships with your swinger friends too. But conversations here go beyond just talking about sex—you’ll actually be having a ton of it.

Are Swingers Resorts Inclusive of Queer People?

It depends. Swinger spaces have traditionally been welcoming to bisexual women playing with one another, but men doing the same has been less common. In my experience, if you’re a bi man, couples tend to be less inclined to play with you. Nevertheless, I’ve also been to swingers resorts where there are bi men, but they’re not out about it. Wives typically come up to ask me if I’m bi, and when I say yes, they invite me back to their room to have sex with them and their husbands in private. So it’s not like bi guys aren’t there playing with other guys—they are. It just happens behind closed doors.

While this was fine for me for a few years, I didn’t like having to hide this aspect of my sexuality and was still craving the freedom that came from being in a space welcoming of bisexual men. Luckily, I have recently discovered a subset of the swinger community that is specifically for bisexuals. There, male bisexuality is celebrated alongside female and nonbinary bisexuality. (Honestly, this has been a big game changer for me.)

Are Swingers Polyamorous or in Open Relationships?

I’d say the vast majority of couples are in open relationships. Some of them have stricter boundaries where they only swap with another couple together (and only have sex with others, together). Other couples are more relaxed with their boundaries, so one person may be allowed to go off and have sex with someone else (or a group) by themselves.

Traditionally swingers were just open, but I’m actually seeing a growing number of polyamorous people in swingers spaces, meaning people who have a spouse but also another committed, romantic partner, such as a boyfriend or girlfriend. (These folks are still in the minority though.)

Can You Attend a Swingers Resort Alone?

Sure, you can, but there are very few solo attendees. Swingers are typically married or partnered couples, and if they only play with other couples, that leaves you shit out of luck. But, of course, some couples are looking for a third for an MFF or MFM, or maybe they’re looking to be cucked, so they want a bull (a young, muscular, big-dicked man), or a unicorn (a bisexual woman who hooks up with MF couples) to fulfill their fantasies.

That said, you absolutely can go with a friend. A few folks do, and if you don’t have a romantic partner and tend to get a little socially overwhelmed, I highly recommend taking a pal so you can have someone there to hang out with and you’re not wading around naked in the pool alone.

What Are the Rules of Consent?

Historically, swingers haven’t always had a reputation for being enthusiastically consent-forward. I’ve seen that they may touch your naked body before asking for consent or try to weasel into a scene when people are already having sex. But I've noticed that, at present, many swingers spaces are almost overcorrecting. They’re going above and beyond in their messaging to emphasize that before touching someone, you must ask for consent and that sex is never a guarantee at a party.

That said, if you don’t always feel comfortable saying no or think you’d feel unsafe if someone might, say, put their hand on the small of your back without asking first, I wouldn’t attend a swingers resort. People are going to straight-up going to ask you if you want to have sex, and because these are often all-inclusive resorts, not everyone is sober (and in my experience, it is a party environment, which means some folks are under the influence of other party drugs and substances), so they might not pick up on social cues that they would otherwise.

What About Safe Sex?

The study researchers saw an “increased use of protection to avoid sexually transmitted diseases” from the ’80s to 2016. But I have to wonder if due to medical advancements, we’re now starting to see a decrease in condom use.

We live in the era of PrEP (pre-exposure prophylaxis), which decreases the likelihood of acquiring HIV by over 99 percent. There’s also Doxy PEP (post-exposure prophylaxis), where you take 200 mg of doxycycline ideally within 24 hours but no later than 72 hours of having unprotected sex. Doing so decreases the likelihood of acquiring syphilis, gonorrhea, and chlamydia.

I’ll be honest: On my last trip, I shared that I was on both PrEP and PEP and had both protected and unprotected sex. I always get tested one week after returning from a swingers resort and have not once gotten an STI. I’m also vasectomized, so I don’t have to worry about accidental pregnancy, though many of the women I slept with had already completed menopause. No one will shame or pressure you into unprotected sex. I’d say, if you want to use a condom, have it out and ready to go, so there’s no question about where you stand.

Ultimately, safety is important, and whatever boundaries you and/or your partner have around safe sex can and should be a priority at a swingers resort—just make sure to vocalize them to everyone you want to have sex with.

Are There Any Other Rules?

Yep, mostly to protect the privacy of attendees. There is typically a hard no-photos rule in explicit play spaces, but even around the resort, where people are clothed and not having sex, it’s common courtesy to keep your phone away. (If you see someone taking a photo in a play space, or doing anything inappropriate for that matter—say they’re just drunk and being creepy—there’s always staff you can talk to, who can then take care of the situation.)

While it may sound annoying to not have your phone in hand, honestly, you’re not even going to want to mindlessly scroll Instagram. Trust, you’ll be too busy making new friends, stripping down, and really getting to know one another.