What if I told you there's a way to hack your sex drive so that you can get horny—and stay that way—whenever you want? Yes, even these days, when just about everything feels like a libido killer (the looming maybe-recession, the constant attacks on our reproductive rights, never-ending work stress) and when getting your brain to chill out and focus on what feels good can be a particularly difficult task. The trick lies in identifying your desire style, aka your love language's (much) sexier counterpart.
Almost every turn-on can be categorized into one of five styles, according to sex expert Emily Morse, author of Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure: conversation, touch, visuals, play, and physical adventure. Think of each as a set of things you can do—alone or with a partner—so that when it's time to get it on, you've *been* ready.
The best news is that you probably have more than one style, and figuring out what those are is half the fun. To do so, Morse suggests thinking about the three most memorable times you've had sex. What was happening, and what made it so good? "We each have all the knowledge of our own arousal and desire," Morse says. "We can put it into our own hands and ask: What makes me the most sexual person?" Once you have your answer, you can replicate that feeling whenever you want to be your most sensual self.
If you're still not sure where to start, keep reading. We've laid out each desire style plus tips for tapping into them all. Consider this permission to experiment freely—lucky, lucky you.
Conversation
If a deep chat about your feels and receiving compliments gets you hot, lean into it! Morse says this style is really all about feeling safe, seen, and connected. And lest you think talking can't be sexy, just know that sexting and phone sex definitely count.
How to hack it: Schedule regular dates to make connecting a habit. Don't shy away from lively debates. Reminisce about your raunchiest memories. Sext—often. Ask your partner to tell you when something reminds them of you. Call during the day just to hear each other's voices.
Touch
This includes more than just traditional foreplay. You may live for a quick make-out, a light butt squeeze, a shoulder rub, a hug from behind—quick physical moments of connection. And no, you don't need to have a partner to tap in—the feeling of luxe sheets or silky PJs could also do it for you.
How to hack it: Hold hands while running errands or in the car. Stand close together when you talk. Play with your S.O.'s hair. Integrate solo play into your self-care routine and splurge on a good vibrator. (Pro tip: Call your partner when you masturbate so they know you're thinking about them.)
Visuals
This one goes beyond enjoying watching ethical porn (but hi, you can do that too) and includes anything that visually stimulates your mind, from taking and receiving nudes to observing how sexy your partner (or you!) looks after a workout or haircut or in lingerie. You're also very sensitive to environmental cues.
How to hack it: Watch something sexy, together or alone. Tell your partner when they look extra good. Book a boudoir photo shoot. Light candles and declutter your space.
Play
Are fantasies a big part of your sex life? Then the name of your game (literally) is play. You're imaginative, curious about kink, and a big role-play fan. There's also a pretty good chance you are competitive and enjoy beating your partner in a game of Uno once in a while—and that, too, turns you on.
How to hack it: Make a yes/no/maybe list of different types of sex that you and your partner are curious about. Go to a bar and pretend you don't know each other. Attend a sex party. Make friendly bets; loser pleasures winner.
Physical Adventure
If your workout always puts you in the mood for sex and you know adrenaline gives you a horny edge, incorporate other adventure-y activities into your routine. You don't actually have to sweat a ton—a simple daily walk or dancing it out can do the trick.
How to hack it: Book a partnered yoga session. Prioritize your fave workout class. Go on weekend hikes or swims and add in some friendly competitive races. Make your next date a heart-pumping one. Skydiving as foreplay? Yes. Immediately, yes.
