If there’s one sex tip we never tire of drilling into your pretty little heads, it’s consent. Consent is key! Consent is king! Consent is crucial! And yet, today we’re here to talk about non-consent…but make it consensual. Hello and welcome to the world of consensual non-consent, aka CNC kinks.
“Consensual non-consent (CNC) involves any kind of sexual dynamic where one partner appears to resist or not give consent in a controlled, consensual environment,” says Julieta Chiara, a kink instructor and sex expert. “CNC are pre-negotiated dynamics where all involved agree to engage in acts that simulate non-consensual situations. This means clear consent, boundaries, expectations, and desires are communicated at the forefront.”
Like most kinks, what CNC looks like in practice can vary significantly depending on the partners involved and the specific scene being played out. On a base level, consensual non-consent often involves scenarios where one partner role-plays “overpowering” the other or one partner pretends to “resist” the other’s advances. (And, yes, this can include role-playing rape fantasies, though Chiara adds that rape play is just one kind of sex act that falls under the broader CNC umbrella).
While CNC kinks may seem taboo, Chiara notes that consensual non-consent is actually among the most common sexual fantasies for women. And, like most kinky sex acts, this one can absolutely be practiced safely, as long as all parties “are well-informed, experienced, and deeply trust each other—the largest part of that safety being communication and consent.”
Below, everything to know about this seemingly contradictory, extremely common, and actually completely consensual kink—from what it is to how to explore CNC fantasies safely.
What Is a CNC Kink?
“Consensual Non-Consent (CNC) is a form of role-play that two or more people engage in that emulates some form of forced activity,” says Sabitha Pillai-Friedman, PhD., AASECT certified sex therapist and associate professor at the Center for Human Sexuality Studies at Widener University.
As always, the consent part is crucial. The “forced” aspect of a CNC scene is entirely simulated and fully negotiated, agreed upon, and consented to by everyone involved.
Pillai-Friedman notes that the most important guiding principles of CNC are mutual consent between participants, clear negotiation of expectations, and explicit discussion of each other’s hard and soft limits.
What Does CNC Look Like During Sex?
Some form of simulated domination/overpowering on the part of one partner and resistance/forced submission on the other’s tends to be the name of the game in CNC play.
"For example, a couple might agree beforehand that one partner will ‘resist’ advances during a scene, while both know exactly what’s happening and feel safe throughout,” says Chiara. “It’s important to remember these scenarios are highly individualized—what works for one pair might not work for another.”
Many CNC scenarios may involve sexual acts that you’re already familiar with, even if you're new to consensual non-consent. “Use of blindfolds and restraints, forced sex, bondage, flogging, forced orgasm, edging (the act of drawing out stimulation for a long period of time), and orgasm denial through bondage” are among the most popular, says Pillai-Friedman.
Tim Woodman, adult performer and APAC board member, notes that CNC scenarios can be as simple as a person suddenly putting a hand over their partner’s as they make frightened protest sounds during sex. “Maybe one person holds the other down a little more firmly, or the other weakly pushes as if trying to get free,” he adds.
In more extreme versions, CNC play “might involve a staged break-in with ski masks and even fake weapons, or blindfolding someone and putting them in a van and taking them to another location like a hotel or the woods.”
Woodman warns that just because you might be into extreme scenarios, like orchestrated “kidnapping,” doesn’t mean that the public has consented to view your fantasy role play. “They may call the police or try to interfere if they witness something that seems to be actual non-consent,” he says.
How Common Are CNC Kinks?
Although consensual non-consent may sound taboo, it’s more common than you might think. According to a 2009 study published in the Journal of Sex Research, CNC fantasies are actually pretty common among women, with 62 percent of women reporting having had fantasies involving some form of CNC in their lives. Many reported fantasizing about CNC multiple times a year.
Though common among heterosexual women, more research indicates that CNC fantasies aren’t necessarily exclusive to the straight female population. Justin Lehmiller, PhD., Kinsey Institute research fellow and host of the "Sex and Psychology" podcast, surveyed 4,175 Americans about their sexual fantasies for his book Tell Me What You Want and discovered that fantasies about forced sex are common across genders and sexualities.
According to Lehmiller, 61 percent of self-identified women surveyed had fantasized about CNC before, compared to 54 percent of self-identified men and and 68 percent of non-binary adults.
Why Are People Into CNC?
It’s obviously hard to speculate exactly why a person would get turned on by certain sexual acts and ideas, and it’s even harder to narrow down a specific reason that applies to everyone who happens to be into something. However, experts in the sexuality field can at least point to a few reasons that some people might be drawn to CNC.
“These fantasies are not about a desire to be raped or assaulted in the real world, so let’s dispense with that idea,” says Lehmiller. “For some, it’s about a broader interest in BDSM and taking on a submissive and, sometimes, masochistic role.”
For others, meanwhile, “it’s about a desire to be desired—to be with a partner who is so intensely attracted to you that they can’t control themselves,” says Lehmiller. “For yet others, it may be more about the intensity of the experience or the thrill of doing something taboo.”
Pillai-Friedman also notes that the forbidden nature of CNC fantasies may be a strong reason behind their appeal. “In most societies, people (women and queer folks specifically) are denied most sexual freedoms—the freedom to fantasize, to self-pleasure, to seek and experience a variety of sexual pleasures with partners of their choice,” she says. “Force fantasy in the form of CNC may be a way for sexually oppressed people to overcome sexual guilt and restrictive sexual scripts imposed upon them.”
On the flip side, people in positions of power in real life may enjoy the dichotomy of taking on the role of the person being “hunted” or dominated during CNC. “Giving up control and submitting to a dom may offer a refreshing way to relinquish their power and enjoy varied sensations and acts that bring excitement,” says Pillai-Friedman.
Still, there’s no single answer that explains why people fantasize about CNC. As is true of literally all kinks, fantasies, and desires, different people are drawn to it for various reasons.
How to Safely Practice Consensual Non-Consent
When negotiating a CNC scene, it’s important to go over how the fantasy will be enacted, what boundaries will be established, and how the scene will end in case someone needs a break or changes their mind.
"Discuss everything ahead of time—fantasies, boundaries, limits, and desires. Be explicit about what you’re comfortable with,” says Chiara, adding that it’s also super important to establish an agreed-upon safe word other than something like “no” or “stop,” as those words are likely to come up during the scene.
Woodman suggests minimizing the physical and emotional risks by starting off slow and communicating the whole way through before working your way up to more serious scenarios. “Always check in with each other, either with safe words or other non-verbal cues that can let you know if things are going wrong,” he explains. “There’s a big difference between enjoying a roller coaster thrill and an actual high-speed freeway chase!”
Chiara adds that it’s also important to be mindful and communicative of your own traumas. “While CNC can be really healing for folks with a past of assault or consent violations, it can be re-traumatizing for others.”
CNC Aftercare
Aftercare is always a good idea regardless of how kinky you’re getting, but it’s especially important with CNC because of how physically and emotionally demanding CNC play can be. Post-CNC aftercare could look like reassuring your partner that they are safe and respected within your relationship, sharing specific moments you enjoyed during sex, or some good old-fashioned cuddling.
“A gentle, loving touch can also be a great way to come down together after a role play,” says Woodman.
Just like any other other sex thing, the core of safe CNC sex really all comes down to consent, communication, and trust between partners. As long as those things are in place, anyone should feel free to consensually non-consent their little hearts out.
