As the pilot’s voice announces their descent into Arizona, Abigail’s eyes flicker from the sandy landscapes outside to the flirty texts on her phone. It’s not long now until her first date with Branden, who booked her this plane ticket the previous night after casually asking: “Do you want to see the desert?”
Later at dinner, the pair talk nonstop over plates of filet mignon and macaroni and cheese, laughing at the same jokes, bonding over shared values, and ending the evening with a kiss. “We’ve been inseparable ever since,” says Abigail, admitting that she never expected to fall in love with her best friend’s brother (who’s now her husband!), especially since he’s eight years her junior.
A quick scroll through “CougarTok”—as it’s been branded on TikTok—shows that Abigail isn’t alone. A new wave of millennial women are sharing similar experiences online, of dating (or looking for) 20-something men. There are currently over 113k videos under the “CougarTok” hashtag, and more than double for #cougar. Recent videos under the hashtags tend to follow the same format: women in their 30s declaring their hopes of finding someone to ‘settle down’ with, before cutting to the reality of falling for a man a decade younger. The joke—captioned with, “Me trying to find a nice older guy” undercut with what one woman describes as, “This 21-year-old motherfucker”—is repeated across clips with hundreds of thousands of Likes, with comments ranging from the cynical to the relatable and, of course, the humorous (see: “God forbid a girl loves to babysit!”).
This dynamic is the opposite to the age-gap relationships we’re so used to seeing on our screens and in the tabloids: the cliché of a rich, powerful man with a young, beautiful woman. Think Leonardo DiCaprio and, well, all of his girlfriends, or the 44-year age gap between Mick Jagger and his partner, Melanie Hamrick. The list goes on and on. These relationships tend to play into outdated gender norms about what men and women are “supposed” to bring to a relationship; so when the tables are turned, the age gap suddenly feels less predictable and even a little rebellious.
Women’s sexuality—and especially older women’s sexuality—has become far more visible and less stigmatized in recent years. Beyond TikTok, big hitters onscreen (such as Babygirl and The Idea of You) have served to further challenge our beliefs about what relationships “should” look like, reframing older-woman-younger-man dynamics as aspirational rather than scandalous. Meanwhile, real-life pairings like that of Priyanka Chopra and Joe Jonas (who have a 10-year age gap) and, more recently, Zoe Kravitz and Harry Styles (who have five years between them) show how normalized these relationships have become.
Dr. Jessica Martin, author of Feminisms and Domesticity in Times of Crisis and MA Gender Studies program manager at the University of Leeds, says that this growing normalization can be traced back to a “noticeable shift” in the mid-2000s. Referencing Samantha Jones and the young Smith Jerrod in Sex and the City, Martin highlights the emergence of successful and sexually liberated women in the mainstream. “These women benefitted from the gains of second-wave feminism, [resulting in their ability] to enjoy their sexuality, rely only on themselves financially, and live independently.”
Decades on from this shift, then, what’s behind today’s so-called “cougar” boom? Are more women really dating younger men, or are these relationships just more visible? And amid times of political upheaval, in which we’re constantly told that young men are less feminist and more radical than ever, what’s their appeal to older women?
I tracked down the so-called Cougars of TikTok to ask them what it’s really like dating a younger man….
Less Jaded, More Curious… More Feminist?
“Branden is the first person I’ve dated with this type of age gap,” reveals 32-year-old Abigail. While she initially dismissed him because he was “so young,” her failed relationships with older men—who she describes as “possessive, disregarding of my feelings, and stuck in their ways”—prompted her to look beyond Branden’s age. “I decided to focus on how he treated me,” she says. “He’s open and receptive, he finds ways to resolve conflict instead of running from it, and he loves me for the woman I am.”
When I ask her why she thinks that is, Abigail is assured in her response. “Younger men don’t have as much baggage—they have fresher perspectives, are eager to learn, and they’re more spontaneous,” she says. “In comparison, older men have past experiences that taint their perspectives and cause them to be guarded.” Essentially, she tells me, young men like Branden are “more open to giving and receiving love” because they haven’t experienced multiple heartbreaks.
This is something that 39-year-old Lana agrees with: “Men my age often carry responsibilities, baggage, or just a jaded outlook [to dating].” She says her former partner, who was eight years younger when they dated, “hadn’t hit that stage yet, so was more carefree.”
Of course, “baggage” isn’t an inherently bad thing. For many, life experience, responsibilities, and even past heartbreaks bring emotional depth and stability. How many times have we seen brides on the likes of Married at First Sight cringe—and then panic—upon hearing their soon-to-be groom has never been in a relationship? To paint all older men as burdened and, on the flip side, younger men as complication-free is an oversimplification. After all, plenty of younger men carry their own unchecked baggage (immaturity or insecurity, perhaps?).
For 46-year-old Amber, and her 36-year-old partner Bryce, the success of their romance is not so much about baggage and more about mindset. “Younger men are more fun, playful, and open-minded,” she says. “They have a fresh outlook on gender roles and relationships.”
The idea that younger men have a less rigid approach to gender roles is touched upon in many of the videos on CougarTok. Backing this up, Kate Moyle, LELO’s resident sex and relationship psychotherapist, says these men may bring a “different emotional energy” to a relationship because they’ve grown up amid the “shift in discussions around changing social norms and gender roles.” This, she explains, has “largely been impacted by the greater economic and financial independence of women.”
Abigail agrees: “Older generations of men have been exposed to a lot of male toxicity, but I find this new generation is more understanding when it comes to feminism.” She acknowledges, however, this can’t be said for “all” men of this age.
“Alongside the rise of feminism, we’ve seen a concurrent rise in the visibility of misogyny, with men’s rights activists, incel culture, and violent anti-gender voices gaining traction,” says Martin. “While there’s potent cultural myths around younger people being more radical or progressive and older people becoming more and more conservative, research suggests characteristics such as social class, gender, race and ethnicity, or the contemporary political and social climate are just as, if not more, formative.”
The women I speak to echo this. Amber praises Bryce’s upbringing, particularly pointing to the strong female figures in his life. “Bryce doesn’t think men are superior in any way,” she says. “Though I think this is less about his actual age and more about the way his mother raised him alongside his two sisters.” In a comment on one CougarTok video, a 32-year-old (dating a 22-year-old) theorized this by saying: “I’ve never been in a more serene and committed relationship. My guess is [these younger men] were raised by a different generation, because tell me why this man is more mature and emotionally available than all my exes combined.”
Abigail and Branden’s successful pairing is also heavily tied to his upbringing. “Branden’s parents have an age gap, too,” she says. “His mum is six years older than his dad.” Growing up with this unconventional relationship dynamic means Branden is unlike other men Abigail has dated. “He’s very similar to his dad,” she explains. “He’s extremely caring and treats me softly. He never raises his voice and always makes sure I’m comfortable and happy. At the same time, he’s strong and a great provider.”
Benefits in the Bedroom
By these women’s accounts, age gaps can shape the emotional side of a relationship. But does that dynamic carry over into sex? “He was way more open to talking about sex and what he did or didn’t like,” Paige* tells me of the man she dated a few months ago who was six years younger than her. “Guys I’ve been with that are my own age have been a bit more prudish in that they’re less willing to discuss preferences,” the 29-year-old says, adding that her sexual experiences with the 22-year-old made her “more confident” in both the bedroom, and, more significantly, in herself.
For Lana, the “fun part” of her relationship was her partner’s “energy and curiosity.” She says this brought her to “new experiences” that she probably wouldn’t have tried on her own. “And the sexy part?” she adds with a smile. “The confidence and effort he put into showing me how much he was into me.”
Clearly, communication plays a big role in sexual compatibility, and Moyle highlights that this depends on the ability to listen, adapt, and be curious: “Many of these factors are based on a combination of both education, willingness, and openness to learning.” While Moyle goes on to tell me that “sexual dynamics cannot be exclusively framed within an age-related model,” statistics show that younger men are better at communicating when it comes to sex. A recent Lovehoney survey found that older men are talking to their partners about sex the least, with just 8 percent of boomers having these conversations. And as far as openness to learning goes, 26 percent of the Gen Z and millennial men surveyed often talk about sex with strangers online or in forums.
Lana sums this up perfectly. “My partner was curious about me and willing to adjust or learn to make me feel cared for,” she recalls. “Older men might be more experienced, but they’re often less open to change.”
So Where Is This Relationship Going?
While Abigail and Amber found their “happily ever after,” this isn’t the same for all of the women I’ve spoken to. Lana says one of the reasons her age-gap relationship didn’t work out is because he wanted children and, already having kids herself, she didn’t want more. “At one point, I really thought he was going to be my forever person, but timing and life stage differences got in the way.”
This is a common hurdle in all kinds of age-gap relationships. “You don’t have to be on exactly the same page for it to work, but you do need to be headed in the same direction and able to discuss what that looks like for both of you,” says Moyle. As for the end of her age-gap relationship, Paige says that while she doesn’t regret it, dating younger helped her realize what to look for in her next partner: “We need to be on the same level in terms of life goals.”
Remember, though, not every relationship has to be with “the one”—sometimes it’s enough for romance to be fun and fulfilling in the moment, or even just a lesson in what you want next.
Cougars, Cubs, and Culture Wars
Although age-gap relationships obviously aren’t new—Moyle notes we’re simply seeing more of them due to social media algorithms, which contribute to “visibility”—finding a younger partner has, seemingly, never been easier. Dating apps facilitate this, allowing users to set their age preferences from the outset.
And yet, all of the women I spoke to didn’t intentionally seek out a younger match, only establishing a connection once they’d gotten to know them beyond their age. Maybe it’s just good luck to find a younger guy who’s on the same page politically, socially, and emotionally (though the same could be said of any relationship, regardless of age). There are plenty of younger men who don’t share these women’s beliefs—but those aren’t the ones they’ve chosen to date. This raises the question: Would a woman specifically seeking out a younger partner for the sake of it find the same success, or is this ultimately about the person, not the birth year on their profile?
Perhaps all of this is to say that, like a preference for hair color or movie tastes, age shouldn’t be the determining factor in who we date—so long as both people are entering the relationship freely and equally. As Lana puts it: “People should be able to design relationships that make them happy.”
Thanks to the likes of CougarTok, more people are coming around to that way of thinking. “I used to feel like it was wrong to date a younger man,” says Amber. “Being called a cougar was something that felt inherently negative and people would make jokes that had an insulting tone.” But, she goes on: “Lately it’s feeling more like a cool thing and I’m all for it!”
Amber and Bryce got married five years ago after dating for six, and she says they’re still “incredibly happy.” “Since opening up this dialogue, I’ve realized there are a lot of very happy couples in the same boat,” Amber says of the reaction from viewers on TikTok—which has been overwhelmingly positive, just like that of her friends and family. “I’m always amazed at the comments on our videos as people are supportive. It’s actually very rare to feel any judgement.” This is just one of the reasons Amber is so passionate about sharing her romance online. “I enjoy feeling as though we can give others a bit of a safe space to say, ‘Hey, that’s us.’”
CougarTok, then, isn’t just a passing hashtag. It’s a sign that women are refusing to let an age gap dictate the validity of their relationships. Abigail and Branden were so sure of their connection that they married after five months of dating. They’re now approaching their second anniversary and Abigail says she “definitely” sees their relationship going “long-term.” “I honestly forget I’m considered a cougar because of how much my partner and I have in common,” she adds.
That sentiment is echoed across TikTok, as women reclaim the phrase and reject the idea that dating younger is something to be embarrassed about. “I’m all for women rewriting a word that was once used to belittle them,” Paige concludes. “There’s no shame in being confident and self-aware of your desires.”
Perhaps then, it’s not about chasing youth but chasing joy…and this generation of women are unapologetically doing just that.
*Name has been changed.
