Lesbian erasure has existed for as long as there have been lesbians. But these days, it seems like some of that erasure is getting erased—even if just a little—with more women than ever before identifying as LGBTQIA+. And it appears many of them are doing so in their late 20s and 30s—well past the windows of tweenhood, teenhood, or “that one time in college” often touted as the prime years for sexual awakenings and exploration.
For reference, look no further than Hollywood, which is currently helmed by a number of young female stars embracing their queer identity—from musicians like Chappell Roan and Reneé Rapp to reality TV star Gabby Windey, who recently wed comedian Robby Hoffman after first gaining fame on The Bachelorette. Like Gabby, who has been vocal about exploring her sexuality later in young adulthood since coming out at age 32, many of pop culture’s leading lesbians seem to have recently embraced the label after years of sleeping with men and/or identifying as bi. In a cover story for the Hollywood Reporter last year, Reneé spoke about the evolution of her sexuality, noting that she’d “only recently started referring to [herself] as a lesbian.” And Chappell, whose smash-hit debut album includes a number of songs about leaving the romantic and sexual disappointments of dating men behind in favor of falling for women, recently confirmed to Call Her Daddy host Alex Cooper that she doesn’t date men anymore.
Meanwhile, the “Lesbian Masterdoc,” a 30+ page guide for questioning sapphics, has remained a perennially popular mainstay of internet virality since it was first published by Tumblr user Anjeli Luz in 2018, resurfacing on TikTok in recent years. From stars like Kehlani, who credits the doc with helping them realize they’re gay, to everyday TikTokers like Ariel Tusa, who tells me she came out as lesbian at 31 after the doc helped her “let go of a lot of shame for figuring things out ‘later,’” it’s clear this PDF more than resonated with many women like me, who—despite having rolled around with girls from a young age, galavanted across the world for my sugar mama, dated an AFAB nonbinary friend, and played college basketball—wouldn’t become fully aware I was lesbian until last summer, as a single 33-year-old.
So why are so many young women coming out as lesbians long after we were “supposed” to have figured it out? And why now, specifically?
What We Internalize From Society, We Unlearn on TikTok
Of course, as human sexuality educator and author Allie Melendez, PhD, notes, “There is no such thing as a ‘late bloomer’ when it comes to sexual identity. We are all on our own unique timelines.”
In fact, the societal misconception that sexuality is beholden to a certain timeline may be one of the very things delaying many of us from embracing our lesbian identities sooner. That, in addition to the myriad ways culture, media, religion, and Western society at large have conditioned women from childhood to believe that man + woman = YES. This societally ingrained notion of heterosexuality as the “default” is known as “compulsory heterosexuality” or “comphet.” And while societal awareness and acceptance of LGBTQIA+ identities has increased in the 50 years since lesbian writer Adrienne Rich first popularized the term, compulsory heterosexuality remains prevalent in our culture, with people of all genders internalizing the idea that anything besides heterosexuality is an aberration.
“Comphet is so insidious because it starts young—before we’re able to understand what’s even happening,” says Megan James, TikTok’s “Trap Dr,” who came out at 28. “From such a young age, we’re bombarded with the belief that the most important thing you can do as a girl is get a boy to like you.”
Meanwhile, women are told to aspire to relationships with men, but we’re also told not to expect much from them. “Between comphet and the pervasive messaging from friends and media that ‘dating men just kind of sucks,’ folks are led to believe that any dissatisfaction they feel is a normal part of having a relationship with a man, rather than a clue that they might be gay,” says Electra Rayne, founder of sapphic-produced lesbian porn site QueerCrush, who has interviewed over 200 sapphic performers about when and why they came out.
Naturally, this socially induced confusion can further complicate the often already circuitous trajectory of any one woman’s dating life. “Folks who come to this realization later have often had several (or even many) relationships with men, then have their first (or first few) queer relationships,” explains Rayne. “It usually isn’t until these queer relationships end and these individuals start looking to date again that they realize they’re lesbians.”
For many “late-blooming lesbians” like myself, the process of discovering and labeling our sexuality subtly progresses over time as we tip-toe our way out of repression. “I’m straight!” can become, “Wait, I’m bi,” as we explore, often followed by an, “Actually, I’m queer!” chapter, before realizing we are Lesbian with a capital L. It can be a conscious journey to taste the rainbow, but often it’s a subconscious exploration in the name of unlearning everything we were told we had to be—or rather, everyone we were told we had to be with—and that can take time.
Fortunately, TikTok may be accelerating that process. The internet has long been a place where the queer and questioning can explore their sexuality and connect with the LGBTQIA+ community, but modern, highly personalized algorithms have made it easier than ever to find queer content—or for it to find you.
In recent years, the idea that “TikTok might know you’re gay before you do” has become a well-known trope, with users noticing that the algorithm isn’t shy about calling us out on what holds our attention. So if you’re lingering on all the vids with a tomboy in a baseball hat talking about equality (present!), pretty soon #lesbiantok will dominate your feed.
A 2017 study published in Big Data found that social media advertising campaigns can make inferences about whether a unique user is LGBTQIA+ based on as little as three Likes, and Melendez confirms that since then, “Algorithms have only gotten better at serving LGBTQIA+ content to the right audiences.” So if we must live life under the authority of the algorithm, at least it’s doing some good for those who credit TikTok for helping them realize, confirm, or validate their queer identity.
Of course, “TikTok never made anybody gay, but it did help us see pieces of ourselves reflected back to us for the first time,” says Tusa, adding that for millennials like her coming of age pre–social media, finding lesbian TikTok “felt like joining a club we never thought we would get to enter.”
Meanwhile, mainstream TV and film is (finally) catching up. “With the recent explosion of sapphic media—shows like A League of Our Own, Euphoria, and The L-Word: Generation Q—folks may feel more comfortable exploring their sexuality,” says Rayne.
As actor and musician Rivkah Reyes, who realized she was a lesbian at age 27, puts it, “I literally think we’re just less afraid. Seeing more and more lesbian representation in TV, film, music, and on social media makes us feel safe to come out.” With icons like Chappell and Reneé coming out later in life, it feels like it’s becoming not just okay, but downright cool to be gay—even if you’ve arrived at that conclusion a little “late.”
“I think the older we get, the more we value ourselves,” says burlesque star Natasha Estrada, who came out at 40. “There’s this liberty to living authentically, intentionally, and unapologetically. It’s letting go of social constructs and leaning into what feels good and aligned with you.”
So if you’re like I was just a couple years ago, somewhere on your journey from “straight” to “bi” to “queer” to maybe, just maybe, Totally Gay, know that you’re in some of the best company around—a club that’s getting more popular by the day.
A version of this article also appeared in Love, Willa. If you liked this story, you’ll LOVE our relationships newsletter. It’s a special place where we navigate the wild terrain of modern love together—whether you’re cuffed, ghosted, heartbroken, or thriving. Sign up here.
