Fingering might seem like a pretty basic sex move, but that doesn’t mean everyone knows what it takes to finger someone (whether it be a partner or ourselves) really well. So, whether you’re new to fingering or just want some tips on how to finger someone for maximum pleasure, well, we’ve got you covered.
First, let’s make it clear why fingering is so vital. You might not know it, but fingering can be a really important part of sex and foreplay from the perspective of female pleasure and orgasm. It’s not all about penetration, trust us: Over 36 percent of women report that clitoral stimulation is necessary for orgasm during intercourse, and an additional 36 percent said while they may not need it for orgasm, orgasms do feel better when their clit is involved. This is why fingering skills are important and can help you instantly improve your sex technique if you sleep with women or anyone with a vulva.
“Fingering often gets overlooked in conversations about sex, but it can be one of the most intimate, versatile, and pleasurable ways to explore someone’s body,” says sex educator Amari. “Whether slow and sensual or intense and orgasmic, fingering deserves more attention as a standalone act of pleasure rather than just a warm-up!”
Now that you know the importance of fingering skills, we’ve asked Amari, as well as our friends at Kinkly, for a thorough fingering bootcamp. Thank us later.
Fingering Tips
Step 1: Clean Your Hands and Cut Your Nails
Some housekeeping before you start: Keep your fingernails short and clean to reduce the risk of infection, says Dr. A Eskander, a consultant gynecologist at The Gynae Centre. And go slow. Being too rough and vigorous can result in vaginal tears, which although minute, take a few days to heal and “increase the risk of catching an STI, particularly if there is an exchange of bodily fluids," says Dr. Eskander. Additionally, as a rule of thumb, don't go from anal to vaginal fingering without washing your hands, says Amari, as this can spread bacteria and infection.
Step 2 Take Advantage of Your Fingers' Flexibility
Once you've gotten all that squared away, remember: Fingers are a great tool for creating the persistent and often nuanced stimulation needed to really pleasure a vulva—and deliver a mind-blowing orgasm to your partner. The raw materials are great. Fingers are nimble, agile, and strong. Fingertips are alive with different nerves, allowing them to be receptive to a partner’s changing cues and to play with the sensitive skin of the labia, clitoris, and vagina.
“Fingering allows for precise control over pressure, speed, and rhythm, making it easy to tailor the experience to what feels best,” says Amari. “It can be combined with oral, clitoral, or penetrative stimulation for maximum pleasure, or enjoyed on its own as a deeply satisfying experience. Fingering is also a great way to explore your inner hot spots, A-spot, and the internal structure of the clitoris, offering sensations that other forms of stimulation might not reach.”
But like all instruments, you need to use your hands right if you want to create the desired effect.
How to Finger Someone
Do: Focus On the Whole Vulva, Not Just the Clitoris
You’re probably already aware that the clitoris is a hub of sexual pleasure for women and people with vaginas. It has an astounding 8,000 nerve endings, and despite appearing tiny from outside, actually extends deep into the pelvic area and around the vagina. It’s even possible for internal orgasms to occur from stimulating the back-side of the clitoris.
However, the clit isn’t the be-all and end-all. The rest of your partner’s vulva also deserves some attention. You should also keep in mind that it’s really important not to shock those 8,000 super-sensitive nerve endings with a super intense start—not only can this be jarring, it can also be painful. Touch and caress other areas of the vulva as a way of easing into clitoral stimulation.
To help you know which areas to target, here’s a quick anatomy lesson for you! The vulva is made up of the pubic mound, the inner labia, and outer labia, the clitoris, the vaginal opening, and, just beneath, the perineum. Each of these areas are sensitive and responsive to touch. Which is to say: for expert fingering, you should try working in a few of these areas—just listen to your partner’s needs and discover which work for them.
Do: Use Lube
“The wetter the better,” says Amari. “Lube isn’t just for menopausal people or P-in-V sex. It makes everything smoother, softer, and better.”
The more slippery your subject, the more satisfying your touch will be. Discard the idea that natural lubrication is enough—vaginal wetness is subject to the body’s fluctuations and can be impacted by hydration, hormones, medication, and stress. Instead of leaving it all up to chance, get cracking with the lube. (If you’re using sex toys, condoms, and/or latex gloves, remember to use water-based lube.)
Maude Shine Silicone lubricant
Bloomi Delight Oil-Based Personal Lubricant
Sliquid Silk Intimate Hybrid Lubricant
Jo H2O Personal Lubricant
Don’t: Start at Full Speed
Remember: It’s a marathon, not a sprint. Vulvas respond well to stimulation that is sensual and slow. This is because it takes an average of at least 15 minutes of stimulation for a vulva-owner to reach orgasm. Fingering is not an exercise in instant gratification. Instead, it helps to think about it as a story with a beginning, middle, and end.
Don’t start at the end of the story by launching straight into clitoral stimulation. Instead, craft a narrative: Slowly reel in your partner’s attention, draw out new characters and twists, build up the tension, and then—only then, when they're hanging onto each word, is it time to unveil the ending.
Start slow and gentle, and steadily increase the speed and intensity as you gravitate towards more sensitive terrain. This isn’t just about setting the right pace; it encourages blood to flow to your partner’s genitals. This amps up their arousal, making them more receptive to intense stimulation and pulling them closer to the beginnings of orgasm.
Do: Build Anticipation
So, now you know you need to slowly build up the intensity. But you also should be working your way from the outside in, towards the clitoris. It can help to conceptualize the clitoris as a sort of bullseye. You can begin by stroking the outer edges of that target—the thighs and lower stomach, for example. This can all be done with your fingers—the sensation should be light and teasing, building up the anticipation.
If your partner is enjoying the process so far, you can move your caresses in closer, towards the pubic mound, labia, and perineum. To spike your partner’s interest, you might even run a single finger over the clitoris. But don’t jump in yet—make those touches light and teasing.
By this point, your partner should be becoming more and more aroused. If that’s the case, you can start zoning in on the areas they are responding to the most, being sure to make your touch more rhythmic and consistent as you go. You can do this by perhaps rubbing a finger back and forth, or tracing a circle. As always, it’s good to listen: Use your partner’s words and cues as your roadmap.
Do: Seek Verbal and Physical Cues
As things heat up, it’s important to tune into your partner’s bodily response, the directions they give you, and any sounds they make. If you switch up the rhythm or direction of your touch and things get quiet, course correct. If your partner moans, gasps, their breathing gets heavier, or they let you know that they like what you’re doing, it’s safe to say you’re on the right track.
When it turns hot and heavy, move closer to your partner and allow yourself to get lost in their movements, pleasure, and breathing. It’s never not important to be attentive to your sexual partner’s body language, but it’s tantamount for fingering. There is no advice that will serve you better than listening to your partner’s wants and needs, so make sure you take note.
Don’t: Change the Rhythm When Things Are Going Well
Look, we’ve all been here. When our partners are clearly really into something, that turns us on too. The way they are responding to touch is so hot that we might alter our rhythm or pressure because we want to make them feel even better. But while that’s an understandable reaction, it’s one you’re best to avoid. When your partner is loving what you’re doing, it’s a sure sign that you should stick to it.
Successful fingering comes down to persistent and rhythmic stimulation. If the pace and pressure are working, make sure you keep going—unless your partner asks for something different.
Want a helping hand? Maybe you might want to work in a clitoral vibrator to further arouse their clit or, better still, a finger vibrator. Begin with a low setting and speed to keep this stimulation persistent and consistent. According to how they like it, you might gently brush the vibrator against their clit to tease them, or apply the toy just above it.
Lovehoney Ignite Finger Vibrator
Dame Fin Finger Vibrator
OhMiBod Lovelife Rev Finger Vibrator
Do: Ask Your Partner Before Trying Penetration
Wait until your partner is properly warmed up, but some people like penetration as part of their finger play. Before you begin, make sure to ask your partner if it’s okay for you to go inside. Once you slip a finger or two in, these are a few moves you can try out.
- A circular, swirling motion inside the vagina. This targets the sensitive area at the opening of the vagina.
- Internal stimulation (try to target the general G-area—it's not one single spot, as some would have you believe—the spongy area of tissue, found two to three inches inside the vagina’s front wall). There are a few techniques you can try, but the most common is a firm "come-hither" motion, using a finger or two against the vagina front wall.
- Switch things up by slipping your fingers in the vagina, caressing the G-area, then slipping them back out, up, and over the clitoris. Repeat as necessary.
- Get handy. Use the rest of your hand to caress and massage the clitoris and labia while your fingers move rhythmically in and out.
It’s important to check in with your partner about whether they like what you’re doing. Ultimately, this should be a joint effort, with both of you working as a team toward your partner’s ultimate pleasure. And, says Amari, while it’s good to focus on internal stimulation, don't obsess—it's not everyone's cup of tea.
If they do like internal play, but you’re concerned about finding their hot spots, you can always use a toy specially designed to massage it. Sex toys with a curved or bulbed tip are made to target vibrations and pressure that specific area.
An avid multitasker? You might also want to take a rabbit vibrator for a spin—sex toys designed to target the clitoris and the inner hot spots simultaneously.
If you want to experiment with using toys while you finger a partner, bullet vibrators are an affordable and accessible option, but remember, these toys are for external stimulation *only*.
Do: Let Your Partner Know They're Turning You On
As your partner edges closer and closer to orgasm, their breathing will get faster, their body will tense up, and their noises and moans will either grow louder or much softer. At this stage, it’s crucial that you maintain your focus.
By now, you might be stimulating the clitoris directly and, if your partner is into it, the stimulation can be pretty rough and intense. But as we’ve stressed, it’s important to keep up the rhythm and touch that’s working for them, and check in to see what they need.
“Use your thumb (or other hand) to rub circles, up-and-down strokes, or gentle taps on the clit while fingering,” advises Amari. “For most people, clitoral stimulation is the key to orgasm, so don’t be afraid to throw in some toys and your tongue.”
To tip them over the edge, all it takes is a little something extra. Maybe kissing them extra hard, looking deep in their eyes, or caressing their neck. You might also want to let them know just how much they’re turning you on. The best sex engages the body and the mind fully. Making sure your partner is fully in tune with their body and present in their mind can help move them to climax.
Don’t: Assume Every Partner Is the Same
You should keep in mind that every person (and every vulva) is different. There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to fingering, as we each have our own unique preferences.
“Ask! Ask! Ask!” says Amari. “Everyone is different; what feels amazing for one person might not work for another. Your partner has likely spent years learning their own pleasure through masturbation, so put your ego aside and ask: What do you like? Can you show me what feels good for you?"
If sex is a skill, the most important part of that skill is listening to and learning about your partner’s sexual quirks. For example, did you know that some people prefer stimulation on a specific side of their clitoris? Do you know which side your partner prefers? You should. Small changes to your fingering technique over time are the things that can send your partner beyond just orgasm and into a place of sexual bliss.
You hold the power to make that happen—all thanks to your skillful, sexy hands. In the eternal words of Paris Hilton, that’s hot.
