Contrary to my being a beauty editor who writes about perfume for a living, my entire family has always been rather scent-averse. My mom doesn’t wear perfume—to her, everything smells too perfumey—and despite all the years I spent rummaging around my grandma’s vanity, I never found a pretty bottle or caught a distinguishing whiff of her when she entered a room. We never spoke about it either—until her final week.
Her health rapidly deteriorated this summer, and I wasn’t able to make it home to say goodbye. A few days before her passing, my grandma requested a light rose perfume, selected by me, her favorite “perfume connoisseur.” (Her exact words.) I knew I didn’t have enough time to mail her something from my collection, but I remembered my sister owned a bottle of Fresh Rose Morning. This velvety rose perfume feels jubilant and bright with a surprising burst of blackcurrants and peach blossoms that beautifully intertwine with the soft, heady rose petals. (Essentially, it’s as far as you can get from your stereotypical "grandma rose" scent.)
Within hours, my sister brought my grandma her special perfume. She spritzed the scent all over herself and her hospice bed, and blissfully basked in the life-like rose garden smell. Less than 48 hours later, she was gone.
This perfume was one of the last things my grandma was fully able to enjoy. And although I was never able to experience and appreciate the scent with her, I can spritz it on myself now and automatically feel like she's right beside me. According to Sanam Hafeez, PsyD, a board-certified neuropsychologist, this isn’t the least bit surprising.
“The parts of the brain that process scent sit right next to the ones that handle emotion and memory,” Dr. Hafeez says. “When you smell something familiar, it doesn’t just remind you of a moment, it actually brings the feeling of that moment back. Smell gets sent directly to the emotional memory center of the brain, so it affects us more deeply than sight or sound.”
Smell has long been considered the most emotional sense. “It bypasses logic and connects directly to emotion,” Dr. Hafeez adds. “When you detect a scent, your brain begins to look for a match from its databanks of memory, so you immediately think of a person, place, or experience.”
This occurs when you smell anything, not just perfume. It’s easy to feel a surge of happiness when you smell your best friends’ signature scent (or recoil when you catch a whiff of your ex’s go-to cologne), but other aromas—whether it’s food, laundry detergent, or specific flowers, just to name a few—can also trigger the memory center of your brain.
Think about it: Holiday scents—like fir balsam, cinnamon, and sugar cookies—automatically put you in a cozy state of mind. The smell of fresh seawater and sand can instantly calm your nervous system if you associate the beach with relaxation or vacation time. It makes total sense (heh) that people’s aromas can affect you just as much as certain times and places.
In fact, it’s not uncommon for people to treasure the perfume of loved ones who have passed as a way to keep their memory alive. But if the person didn’t wear perfume, there are still ways to rely on scent when you’re experiencing loss.
Dr. Hafeez has worked with clients who have put together small boxes that hold scented items that remind them of the person, like aftershave, candles, body lotion, and even coffee. “It’s a small, personal way to stay connected,” she shares. “The smell can be calming when the loss feels heavy. Sometimes that tiny ritual brings more comfort than words ever could.”
How to create a scent memory:
The key to building out a scent memory of someone in your life who didn’t have a signature perfume is selecting something that feels like them—not just something that smells nice. Think about their daily activities: Did they enjoy going for walks in the park? Visit their favorite spot to figure out the wildflowers that grow there, then start buying bouquets with those blooms. Were they a regular at the movie theatre? Microwaving a bag of buttery popcorn can make it feel like they’re sitting right next to you. You can even start using other scented products they loved as a small way to dispel the grief. “Over time, it becomes a quiet way to keep their memory woven into your daily life,” says Dr. Hafeez.
Truthfully, there are plenty of scents that remind me of my grandma: Piping hot Dunkin’ Donuts coffee; dewy grass on a chilly spring morning; good-quality lunch meat (her weekend lunches were legendary); and, of course, Fresh Rose Morning.
Through this agonizing loss, my whole family has grown to love perfume. All of my aunts picked up a bottle of the scent to help them through the heartache, and everyone holds it near and dear to their heart. When any of us are feeling sad, we gain some solace knowing the essence of my grandma is just a spritz away.
