There are plenty of high-stakes conversations couples should have before getting serious. Long-term goals for the future, the division of household chores, how you feel about overnight guests, who gets the last slice of pizza on a Friday night (kidding, kind of)—these topics should all be discussed, and continuously. But perhaps the most important conversation cohabitating couples should have is about money. As in, full disclosure on salaries, credit scores, spending habits, and more.
Sure, it can be a little intimidating. For most people, money is usually discussed vaguely, in hushed tones, or at least asked about with some hesitation followed by quiet relief if the person on the receiving end isn’t uncomfortably cagey about the whole thing.
But in a world where student loan debt has never been higher and life in general has never felt more expensive, financial communication is key—especially in couples. Plus, 86 percent of men and 74 percent of women in long-term romantic relationships believe in dividing fiscal responsibilities fairly, according to OkCupid data. Of course, that can mean different things to different couples.
Not being on the same page can lead to disagreements and end relationships altogether. Hence why we went ahead and pried into the personal finance styles of six folks in various cohabitating relationship dynamics to see what’s working for real couples out there.
Keep reading to steal some tips for making the money work in your own relationship.
1. “Now that we have two kids, have established careers, and purchased two homes together, we view money more as ‘ours.’ It’s hard to keep things separate and we almost don’t really think about it anymore. We have joint accounts and access to each other’s personal ones, but for the most part, we put everything on our joint credit card. I typically use that card for anything kid-related, too—unless it’s something absurd like a designer baby jacket or something, which I wouldn’t get, but if I did, I’d buy it with my own personal card.” —Rachel, 33, in a relationship for 12 years
2. “We had the same views from the start: Both sets of our parents fully combined finances when they got married, and both sets of our parents are still together. It’s what we’ve always known, and we’ve seen it be successful. So once we got engaged, we began combining accounts. By the time we were married, our finances were fully merged. At first, I felt a little weird dropping $100 on a facial or buying new items of clothing because it wasn’t just ‘my’ money anymore, but we trust each other to make smart financial decisions and we’ll run spendier purchases by each other first.” —Alexis, 31, in a relationship for 11 years
3. “We each contribute 33 percent of our income to rent. We don’t have a shared bank account—one of my partners has a direct deposit set up to our landlord. One of us earns the most by a long way, so they pay for more expensive bills like electricity. I cover most of our food bills, and my other partner pays for things like Netflix. We don’t keep a running ledger—we all trust each other to contribute relative to what we can afford.” —Abby, 36, in a 3-person relationship for 6 years
4. “We have separate accounts and pay about the same percentage of our respective incomes in rent and utilities, which feels fair because those costs total about one biweekly paycheck for each of us. Before moving in together, my girlfriend would cook or I’d get delivery. So it feels natural that she now pays for groceries and I still cover takeout. Household supplies are more of a gut check.” —Lydia, 29, in a relationship for 4 years
5. “We made a spreadsheet with our monthly salaries and subtracted what we each pay in student loans, car payments, and health insurance. Of our combined take-home pay, I earn 56 percent and my wife earns 44 percent. We use that split to determine what percentage of fixed monthly expenses (utilities, rent, groceries) we’ll both pay, and we direct deposit that money into a shared account. The rest of our earnings go into individual accounts for personal spending.” —Casey, 33, in a relationship for 11 years
6. “My fiancé is in a doctoral program that he’s financing with scholarships and loans, so I’m contributing more toward our expenses until he graduates and starts earning a full salary. I pay two-thirds of the rent; he covers the remainder plus utilities and everything for our dog. I don’t help with his school bills because I have student debt, too. We split household stuff like our housekeeper, laundry detergent, and groceries but handle personal items on our own—I’m into luxury purses and shoes that he can’t fathom spending money on.” —Cindy, 32, in a relationship for 4 years
