Kayla* is no stranger to being ‘the other woman.’ It first happened in high school, when she started talking to a guy after he broke up with his girlfriend—only for them to get back together. “We kind of became friends after that, but then things escalated,” the 34-year-old recalls. “I was really upset about it, but I was obsessed with him and so kept it going for far too long.” As with most affairs, they were eventually caught. “I told a friend who told the other girl,” she says. “It was an awful fall out.”
Still, from then on, infidelity seemed to follow Kayla wherever she went. In college, she often found herself making out with guys at parties who—unbeknownst to her—had girlfriends. “It seemed to happen a lot,” she continues, “and I guess at that point, I was kind of enjoying it.” After college, the trend continued. Kayla started sexting with an old friend, who broke up with this girlfriend for her. “By then, I wanted nothing to do with him, but I did continue to hook up with him until he met someone else and ended things with me.” But then they ended up having “a bit of an emotional affair” during his new relationship, too. Flash forward to now, and Kayla is currently engaged in a digital affair (texting, sexting) with a married man she knew in college. “We’ve been trying to find a time to meet up in real life, but it hasn’t worked out yet.”
Although Kayla says she’s not sure if her attraction to taken men is “a kink, per se,” it’s not uncommon for people to have a so-called ‘homewrecker’ fetish. And, as Kayla admits, “there is excitement in the taboo of it all.” “Being sneaky can be fun,” she adds, “and I guess when I was younger, I had the mindset of, ‘He’s risking it all for me’—and that was exhilarating.”
There are few things more illicit than infidelity—and for good reason: it can upend people’s lives, lead to mental health, trust, and self-esteem issues, and have long-term effects on future relationships. Overall, it’s shitty, and pretty unpopular (an understatement).
Obviously there are myriad reasons people cheat—attention, selfishness, relationship difficulties, kinks they can’t or don’t want to explore with their partner, the list goes on — but, for some, there’s no bigger turn-on than the risks that come with it. According to a 2015 YouGov survey, 15 percent of people who’ve had affairs did so because they ‘enjoyed the thrill of cheating’. Some enjoy the threat of getting caught and ruining their lives (hello, Nicole Kidman in Babygirl), while others get their kicks from wrecking someone else’s relationship.
Trawling the world wide web, the kink appears to be very heteronormative, and tends to position men as being into having their lives wrecked, while women like to do the wrecking. It’s worth noting that this archetype of the ‘homewrecker’ is fairly misogynistic: a temptress comes to steal your man, using her wily skills as a wanton woman to lure him to her man-eating cave. Women also face more stigma (and blame) when they cheat, whether they’re in a relationship or ‘the other woman,’ than men do, owing to the shame still heaped on their sexual lives and expressions. “Puritanical ideals still have a great hold on the value of a woman,” agrees Eva Oh, a dominatrix, writer, and cultural commentator. “We often position the erotic as something that women don’t have except within the context and confines that relationships and the institution of marriage dictate.”
In reality, of course, the person in the relationship is responsible for their actions—if they decide to cheat, that’s on them. Still, being into ‘homewrecking’ isn’t exactly morally sound. But for many people, that’s the point.
“In a multitude of different kinks and fetishes, things that are more taboo can create an erotic charge,” says Gigi Engle, sex and relationships psychotherapist and resident sex expert at the dating app 3Fun. “There’s a power element to it as well—you’re so sexy and irresistible that somebody couldn’t help but cheat on their partner.”
This is exactly why 28-year-old Katy* is into the idea of ‘homewrecking.’ “I like the idea that I’m so important that nothing else matters,” she says. “I suppose it’s a competition thing with their current girlfriend—a sign that I’m better than them. Which is terrible, I know. But the ego boost is addictive.” Katy has, in one way or another, hooked up with four guys who’ve had girlfriends—and although she feels some guilt afterwards, she says in the moment, these relationships are “the hottest she’s ever been in.” Although she might superficially compare herself to these unsuspecting girlfriends, Katy likely has to see them as two-dimensional characters in a sort of ‘homewrecking’ game—lest she be faced with the complex, unpleasant reality of the trio’s situation.
Whether the kink is as prevalent as Reddit suggests—there are at least a dozen subreddits dedicated to ‘homewrecking’ (mostly filled with porn)—it certainly makes for big business. Pixie James, a LoyalFans creator (a subscription site like OnlyFans), has carved a niche in the saturated adult market as a professional homewrecker. James doesn’t do nudity or sex acts, and only chats to men online, including via face-to-face camming sessions. Because of this, James says men often ask her if what they’re doing is actually cheating. “And I say, ‘Well, does your wife know about this?’” she tells Cosmopolitan. “Once they answer no, I say, ‘Yeah, you’re cheating.’ Many men like to push as close as they can to actually having their life destroyed, whether that’s their wife finding out that they’re cheating or that they have the kinks [they explore with me], but at the last second, they drop out and disappear.”
Although it’s her line of work, James admits she gets a thrill out of ‘homewrecking,’ too. “I do see this as a job, and I’m very strict about that,” she says. “But at the same time, do I love it when they’re spoiling me on their wife’s birthday? Yes, I do! I like making videos that they’re going to sneak away from their wives to watch. I like the superiority of it, and it’s an outlet for me to act in a way that I wouldn’t in real life.”
As our digital lives have expanded, the definition of cheating has, too—and it differs for everyone. Like James, 22-year-old Mia* says she would never act on her ‘homewrecking’ fantasies in real life. “In the past, I’ve posted stuff on Reddit [about being into ‘homewrecking’] and exchanged a few DMs with people, nothing personal and no pictures, but in real life, the concept of it is disgusting to me,” she explains. “I hate cheating and cheaters. But I am excited by the taboo nature [of infidelity] and the sneaking around that comes with it. I enjoyed talking to a married man who spoke in detail of what he wanted to do to me on his wife’s bed, which turned me on a lot, especially as he was 15 years older. I felt guilty, but also not so much because I have no obligation to uphold someone else’s marriage.”
“I think I’m aroused by the depravity of men when I’m masturbating,” she continues, “but, again, in real life, what a lot of men do and how they treat women pisses me off. Also the idea of empowering and enabling a man like that is gross—to add to that, I couldn’t do it to my fellow women. Essentially, my horny brain is very different from my normal brain.”
For those with a ‘homewrecker’ kink, but who aren’t so keen on actually wrecking a couple’s (or their own) relationship, there are ways to safely, consensually, and playfully explore this interest—with no harm to anyone else. “You can role play with your partner, where they’re pretending to be in a relationship and you’re seducing them,” suggests Engle. “There’s also lots of people on dating apps like 3Fun, FetLife, and Feeld who are into ethical non-monogamy and might be open to this kind of dynamic.”
Essentially, the important thing is that everyone is in on the game—or isn’t, as the case may be. “This is a morally gray area,” continues Engle, “but I firmly believe that what happens inside your fantasies is your own thing. So if you want to play a fantasy game in your brain where you’re a ‘homewrecker’ but not expressing it to [the person you’re lusting after], I don’t see anything wrong with that.” As soon as an unknowing, unwitting, and therefore unconsenting person is involved, that’s when a line has been crossed.
Aside from the high school bust-up, Kayla doesn’t believe any of her affair partners’ girlfriends have found out about their cheating. That hasn’t stopped her from feeling guilty about it, though—even if she does find the whole thing hot. “These situations are so toxic for all parties,” she says. “I definitely have some attachment issues and can be very avoidant in relationships, so these relationships can feel safe to me because I don’t have to be vulnerable and fully commit. They can be addictive, too, and once you’re in, it’s really hard to break out of it because unless the wife finds out, the man has no reason to end it.”
Kayla says her therapist has told her that since she’s very empathetic and people-pleasing, she’s “easy prey” for a cheating man. “I’m not particularly seeking these guys out,” she adds. “I just often get pursued by attached men.”
And yet, she adds: “If I do meet up with this married man, we’d definitely hook up. It sucks [that he’s married] because we get along very well and he has a lot of qualities that I look for in a man. I am trying to break out of this habit and find someone single, but it’s hard.”
*Names have been changed
